The series continues. As always, these do not necessarily represent my opinion.
Tuesday Tips was started for a singular reason. I presumed (rightly or wrongly) that Donal was weary of blogging and might close up shop. Tuesday Tips was an attempt to give him a breather.
My motive was and is entirely selfish. As a father (many time over, from ‘moved out’ to newborn) I unfortunately can’t just ignore the modern ‘religious’ SMP. I may not be interested in it, but it sure as hell is interested in me! So I’m doing my small part to help keep this blog alive in order to keep up with what’s going on out there.
For this tip, I’m going to tell a personal story reinforcing the need for a man to maintain his balance in a relationship. It’s a bit dated, but still applicable to today I think.
I was about 21 (early ‘90s). I had a kinda “girlfriend” I had met in my former coed dorm. Blond. Total ditz. I found her addictive, but honestly have no idea why. She was at best a 6. My friends found her ridiculous. But she “clicked” something deep and primordial in me. Beauty or personality certainly had nothing to do with it.
Anyway, we were out on a Friday night playing a sport with friends. She did something clumsy (not uncommon) and broke her nose. Blood everywhere. I wasn’t involved in the accident itself but as the informal “boyfriend” I took her to the emergency room.
Guys, you know where this is going. She called her mom for the insurance number, got her nose taped up, and everyone closed out the ruined night with cards and beer. Or so we thought.
Within hours, cops were banging on the door. Why? Her mom had “intuited” I smacked her around and requested the cops investigate.
I will never forget those cops. They flanked me, armed, visibly threatening, while I stood gaping incredulously. They didn’t even seem to want information, just an excuse to bash somebody’s head. Specifically, mine. They wouldn’t let it go, no matter what I (or she) said. Eventually, a roommate corralled a few people who had personally witnessed the injury. The cops finally left. Grudgingly.
I was inflamed, to put It mildly. I remember thinking: what if we had been alone when she broke her nose? What if she wanted to get even with me for something? I demanded answers. She actually had the nerve to kind-of/sort-of defend her mom’s behavior. I was aghast and stated flatly we were over, it was her mom or me; I wasn’t going to keep dodging cops. She burst into tears. I should have just walked, but I was obsessed. And thus a fool.
I’m humiliated to admit that this “relationship” lingered for years after this event. I didn’t actively pursue her, but I couldn’t move on. I remained infatuated. In fact, she was the one who finally “manned up” to initiate a formal breakup. Thank God.
So where did I go wrong? Where to start?
1) Never answer your door to cops, period. Set up a door microphone (I have one now) and don’t be afraid to ignore the bell. If they threaten to break in (in supposed DV cases like this one they may) just send out the required parties one by one. But never talk. Record everything. Keep control.
2) Never date women from bad/broken homes who haven’t dealt with their dysfunctional parents. I know this flies in the face of many people’s interpretation of “honor your father and mother” but they forget the second part of the commandment, which helps to explain its proper interpretation and application. In this case, her mom was divorced (natch) and I must wonder with chuckle what her father would have said about the situation. Regardless, I should have been far, far more careful. And critical. The danger signs with that woman were everywhere.
3) Get control of your emotions regarding women, or prepare to reap the whirlwind. It’s better to just not get involved with any woman who pickles your emotions to idiocy. Lose control and command of the relationship? It will likely end badly. Get out long before then.
4) Try to date various women. Never get oneitis like I did. There is no “one”.
5) Pay close attention to what others think about your girlfriends (spoken or unspoken). Do so with an open mind; you may have lost your head. I certainly did, and I’m not the type to do so.
This tip is so obvious I’m skeptical it’s even worth sharing. And a lot has changed since then; today I’m not sure the cops would have even came by, don’t most places have mandatory arrests in DV callouts and this was just a hysterical mother?). But regardless, if I can prevent even one man from being the fool I was, it’s worth the pixels and the time. Be careful out there, guys.