Chad has provided us with an interesting tale from when he went dancing last:
All the single guys in our group figured the dancing that night was going to be a bunch of couples. We couldn’t have been much further from the truth. Some women had ‘dates’ whom I’m not even sure they went on a date with, but simply came to the dance with. I say this only because several of the women with ‘dates’ told me that they didn’t want to dance with anyone besides myself all night. Some of them in the same group of friends.
At a couple points I had women I’d never seen before approach me not to dance, but to introduce themselves as they were heading out the door, say they were sad I didn’t ask them, but that they wanted to give me their name and dance with me next weekend. Some women I’d known for weeks suddenly seemed more interested. While I can write a good deal of it off to V-Day, there were certainly both better looking men and better dancers out there.
So the whole thing was bizarre at first, until I realized that with my decision to pursue vocational possibility I’d altered my behavior. I’d talked and stopped caring as much about what I said, but just saying it and having fun. I’d avoided, purposefully, some of the women whom there’s more a lustful tension than a healthy tension in the dance. I’d talked about my faith and the writing at Depths to Wilderness with a couple of them. I’d taken some beginners, and showed them how to really follow and enjoy themselves out of a place where I didn’t care if we connected or not, I simply wanted them to have fun and I wanted to dance. Nothing more. I’ll admit that I did ask one girl’s number, but it was out of reflex. As soon as I asked, I realized she instantly could tell the difference, got lukewarm, and I avoided doing so any more.
Chad, by adopting an attitude of not caring what was going on around him, achieved what some folks call “outcome independence.” When a man achieves that state of mind, he seems to be above it all, at least, so far as women are concerned. They (women) find this highly attractive, and will be drawn to a man who can display it. I suspect that is because it is an attitude that normally manifests in men who are extraordinarily confident in themselves. Or otherwise stated, men with the highest levels of the Power attribute.
I bring this up because his story clued me in about some of my past experiences with women. One thing that always, always frustrated me is that I always seemed to receive far more attention (and more favorable attention) from women that I was not interested in than women who did interest me. This started in high school and continued through college and beyond. At the time, I didn’t understand. Later, after finding this part of the web, I briefly examined my past to try and solve this. My attempts to answer the question revolved around the fact that the women who interested me were Christian women, and the ones who didn’t interest me (yet were throwing IOIs at me, including ones I could pick up) were not Christian. I wondered whether Chuchian attitudes were to blame, but that didn’t seem quite right to me. So I just let it go.
Now I can see what my problem was: I was treating Christian women differently than non-Christian women. I was completely natural, completely myself when dealing with non-Christian women. I didn’t care what they thought of me, and it showed. [DG: In case I wasn’t clear- this isn’t about “being yourself”. It is about not caring what women think of you.] As a result, I demonstrated outcome independence towards them, and they found it attractive. On the other hand, for Christian women I was on my best behavior- I was every bit the “nice Church boy” that I was raised to act like. In short, a Beta White Knight who put women on a pedestal. And it showed. And it drove those women, women who I considered marriageable, away from me.
Since then, I have taken women off of my pedestal, and placed God there, where He belongs. But the temptation to replace them there still lingers within me. Part of me wonders if this is a problem that all men have faced from very beginning. The best defense against this, I should think, would be a good offense- adopt an attitude towards women that is playful and teasing, one that resists placing them on a pedestal.
Below are a few other things that caught my attention recently:
Here is a great comment by JDG delving into feminism and its incompatibility with Christianity.
Reader Don R. has clued me in to a great quote by Thomas Sowell:
“When people get used to preferential treatment, equal treatment seems like discrimination.”
This applies just as well to relations between the sexes as it does between the races, I should think. Women have received boosts for so long they are apt to shriek if one mentions leveling the playing field (for example, by aiming for equal college admissions).
Also, Joseph of Jackson is back.
This comment at JustFourGuys is one that I found fascinating. The ideas that it broaches bear further examining at some point.
Lastly, here are some of the search terms people have used to find my blog lately, along with some commentary:
are men with power and status attracted to women who are attracted to power and status?
Yup. Since all women are attracted to power and status, by definition men with power and status are attracted to such women.
what are women attracted to some men and not attracted to other men?
Well, you might need to go elsewhere to improve your English, but I can at least answer the question. See here.
christian marriage is the same as secular marriage?
Sadly, this is often the case. It is not supposed to be, of course. But nowadays its hard to tell secular and Christian marriages apart.
my boyfriend and i are chrisitans – no sex until marriage but he booked us a hotel room
Ok, clearly the lady who asked this needs to read this post. Then leave him, and start courting, not dating.
how do i know what i rate on a scale of 1-10
There were a few of these. My advice is to consult a male friend who will be brutally honest with you. Actually, several, just to even things out.
And that does it for this random post. Thanks for sticking through it everyone. I may update it over the week if I find anything else interesting, as I suspect my posting will be light until then.