The following story was originally left as a comment on my post concerning Moral Agency in Women. The author of the comment asked that I take it down, but later graciously allowed me to use it in a post. My thoughts will come after the story, which is a tragic one:
I think that you could set up a confessional…
Recently discovering the “manosphere”, I quickly became fascinated by it if only because I sensed that I could learn something not only about men, but about myself as well. Suffice it to say that this blogpost in its entirety is *truth* and has been borne out in my experience. Let’s see:
–made it into my mid-20s without so much as a kiss; I was often approached by men, but I accomplished this by not entertaining unsuitable men and not being alone with men. Had made the “true love waits” pledge while quite young and 100% believed that’s what I would do.
–found myself by happenstance in the middle of nowhere for a school assignment–middle of nowhere meaning that even a Wal-Mart was an hour’s drive away. No friends, family or church around.
–before leaving on the trip, experienced frustration and disappointment from a man I was interested in –> emotional vulnerability
–Limited housing meant I had to stay in an apartment with other students–young men. I was initially uncomfortable with it, but it was clear to me that nothing whatsoever would ever happen between me and those 2 guys (beta and lower beta). Nothing did.
–One fine day, Lower Beta says his friend is going to join us for the summer. He does, and when I meet him I immediately start praying for an “out” to this situation…every alarm bell is ringing within me. Tall, muscular, immodestly cocky; and Alpha is clearly interested. I mostly avoid him.
–One night, Alpha wants to play cards and chat. Seems friendly enough. He quickly hones in on my relationship history, and then, surprise surprise, sexual history. In my naivete, I admit to being a virgin and inexperienced in even *other* forms of sexual play. Like a shark smelling blood, his flirtation becomes more overt and the evening ends with a kiss. He wants to come to my room. “No.” Yet, my curiosity and his boldness together produce a very heady and honestly exhilarating feeling. I know all the more that I have to get out of there.
– Prayer answered! Someone in the community offers me alternate housing. I pack and leave with a quickness the next day. Alpha asks for a proper date. I say OK. [I should not have done this. I think this is the part where self-deception started kicking in. I mean, really, I knew what he wanted–so why would I be going out with him?]
–We spend more time; he acts and talks as if he’s genuinely interested, though I tell him I don’t think we really have anything in common. I’m not falling for him, but am highly attracted. He pushes physical boundaries in ways I am not prepared for—never had to resist at all before (avoidance method), nevertheless resist with such forcefulness. But curiosity again, attraction, boldness, the feeling of being desired, and buttons being pushed that were never pushed before—I’m drunk on all the feelings and my mind races to take it all in. My attempts to talk to him about not going too far ring hollow even to myself.
–He takes no pains to hide his intent to seduce me and truly goes all out in doing so. He succeeds. For a period of time as this “relationship” continues, I recognize within myself that I cannot process what is happening between us on a rational level. My actions are other than what I think I should do. I find myself acting without intention.
–It’s not romance, and it’s not friendship. I don’t believe it’s love, but now I have to try to “make good” on virginity lost. So I attempt to play out a relationship with Alpha (he asked, not me) though in my right mind I still doubt any longterm compatibility. It doesn’t work and fizzles. I’m not heartbroken, but disillusioned with myself.
I shared all of this because I think it lays out step-by-step with a very real example exactly how “good Chrisitan girls” can end up compromising. And I hope that other Chrisitian women can avoid the same. I think it also shows how women do respond differently to alphas than betas (for instance, living with the betas was inappropriate to me, but not at all a temptation). *And to the point of your post in general, I 100% agree that the temptation we are to flee is to be in the situation in the first place.* I do not believe that we can reliably count on being able to resist once those instinctual physiological responses start kicking in. I completely agree that this is why most societies in human history have prevented unrelated men and women from being alone together. I do think that such avoidance is really the only guarantee of chastity when it comes to pre/extra-marital sex.
There are some women and couples who claim that resisting sexual temptation really isn’t that difficult for them. Prior to that experience, I (pridefully) thought that I would never do something like that, that saying no should be so easy. God *did* provide my way of escape. But I chose to go back—and choosing to go back to the place of temptation was the first sin that made way for the second. I told myself that I could enjoy the thrill of being around Alpha without anything else happening. Many women either do not have high enough libidos for sex to be a great temptation at all, or they are mainly experienced with men who are easy to brush off and have just not encountered the type of man (Alpha) that really sets things off in them.
This unfortunate story supports the general trust of the theory I advanced in that post. After a certain point, women do lose their ability to resist an Alpha Male’s advances. That is not to say that they don’t have moral agency, but their agency is not without its limits. Or stated another way, they make their moral decision much sooner than they (or most people) realize. As I explained in the comments:
What I am arguing is not that women can’t resist temptation, but that the temptation comes sooner than we might think in the process of seduction by an alpha male. The temptation comes not when the alpha male is making his final moves. Rather, the temptation to be resisted by the woman is to place herself in an isolated place, without additional moral support, with the alpha male. That is where the temptation is to be found. And that is where she can resist. My theory is that if she gives into that temptation, it is past the point of no return. She knows, deep down inside, what it really means, and has decided to follow that path nonetheless.
Stories like this sadly show that I am on the right track. I wish I wasn’t, but we deal with the world as it is, not how we want it to be. Seeing as I haven’t addressed Moral Agency in a while, I think its time that I address it again. Expect a post in the next week or two on the subject.