Doubt

I second guess myself. A lot. I suppose it is in my nature. Over time I have built myself into a person who tries to always do he right thing. In order to be that person I have to know what the right thing is. But rarely is the “right thing” easy and obvious to discern. In this day and age there are so very many different paths to walk, each of them saying that this particular path is the right one. I find myself always second guessing whether I am following the right path. Every day it seems like there is a new fact, a new piece of evidence, a new point of view that makes me question my choices and my beliefs.

Sometimes I just wish that I could pick a path, stick to it and ignore everything else. But I can’t. No matter how much I might wish that I could do so, no matter how hard I try, I can’t- I just can’t. I always second guess myself. I always doubt.

Doubt… at the moment my mind is full of it. I am not sure if it is strange, or fitting, that I should be in such a state right now. Because, for the first time in a long while, I am starting to finally feel the ground beneath my feet. Things are finally starting to make sense- everything is clicking into place. At long last I can see the faintest of glimmers ahead of me on the road. And yet, at the same time… I doubt.

—————————————————————————————————————————

I guess these reflections are prompted by the fact that it has been nearly a year since I stared this blog. My first post was on March 10, 2013. A lot has happened since then. I started this blog in large part because Sunshine Mary had deleted her old one, and I wanted to preserve some of what I had written before. Since then I have written on a variety of topics. Yet the overall focus has tended to be the same. Therein is found some of my doubt. If you had asked me what kind of blog this was when I first started up, I would have told you that this was a “Red Pill” themed blog, although perhaps one with a Christian theme or perspective. For a while I would have called this blog a “Red Pill Christian blog”, and myself  a “Red Pill Christian blogger.” But now?

I’m not sure what I am anymore, or what this blog is. This isn’t a Game blog, as I am certainly no PUA.  I’m not a MGHOW nor a MRA activitst. And I am not some kind of rationalist observer, watching it all from the sidelines without a care in the world.  I suppose that, given what Chad, Deep Strength, Free Northerner and I have been working on as of late you could call me a “Christian Masculinist.” Because in that project I find a sense of purpose that I haven’t felt for a long, long time. And yet… I doubt.

—————————————————————————————————————————

I envy the certainty that others seem to possess. That sense of self-assurance that lets them steam forward no matter what. The ability to set aside all doubt. I can only imagine what it must be like.

Advertisements

29 Comments

Filed under Red Pill

29 responses to “Doubt

  1. Without knowing what your doubt(s) are its hard to give any specific advice or insights.

    Still, when in doubt, pray.

    And when actions are called for, act with your best discernment, trusting the Lord.

    Personally I find most of my doubt on our combined efforts to be one of questioning how men can turn personal revelations from scripture and life into a path to masculinity that fatherhood should be leading. Not doubts if it can, and certainly not if it should, but how best to do so and if my own efforts will bear fruit.

    But, so far I’ve gained a great amount of personal joy and satisfaction as I draw closer to God in my efforts. If nothing else ever comes of it, I’ll know that I’m better disposed to minister to those I love

    And that, by itself, is enough for me to move beyond any distractions and doubts the devil lays in my path

  2. Also, depending on the actions, don’t rush things. That may or may not be what you want to hear, but I know I personally had a hard time with the latest post on David. I had a hard time staying focused towards where the post needed to get, and it wasn’t until I devoted a night to prayer and writing personal thoughts on the old blog that I was able to do that. It didnt come out anything like how I planned, but it got to where it needed, hah!

    But for the whole time since the post before that, I felt pressure to write and get things done. But I wasn’t right with the Lord, and any time I tried to write that showed in the writing. I was worried about what you guys would think of the post, or keeping momentum to get followers, etc. I -wasnt- concerned about the spiritual growth I needed to address and if the post was what God wanted.

    So the writing was shoddy and distracted.

    I hope these two comments assist you in addressing and overcoming your doubts. They don’t go away, but can be overcome.

    [DG: I think you are on the right track with this. Doubt is something we all have to face, and is part of our nature. We can’t get a rid of it, or at least we shouldn’t. But we can overcome it.]

  3. Elspeth

    I envy the certainty that others seem to possess. That sense of self-assurance that lets them steam forward no matter what. The ability to set aside all doubt. I can only imagine what it must be like.

    I must have written some version of those very words on my own blog at least 5-10 times. I face the challenge with prayer.

    I responded to your email, by the way.

  4. ((The first time you find something beautiful and incredible, you always doubt the evidence of your senses and your reason. This is normal. Press on, brother.))

  5. DJ

    Your feelings of confusion and frustration with finding and doing the right thing are very common . The self assurance comes because they made andecision that what they choose is the right thing. Your not alone you have lots of company.

  6. DJ

    Comes when a person decides the decsion they make is the best one*

  7. What you call “doubt” I call “figuring things out” – and it’s a natural place to be when you’re in the pursuit of understanding.

    People who “have no doubts” and seem full of self-assurance are the greater problem as they’re convinced of the rightness of their positions, and it’s nearly impossible to get them to change their mind even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This also means they’re not open to new or enhanced understanding of “stuff”, and it’s for that reason that I personally avoid such people and their blogs.

    Chewing on good questions is a lot more interesting, instructive, and informative than having good pat answers ever will be.

  8. “I’m not sure what I am anymore, or what this blog is.”

    You are a man of God, doing the Lord’s work, reaching others through your work here on your blog. I, and others are very greatful for all your words here, I believe God is working through you in this blog, and I hope you get to feel more sure about your purpose, as your voice is very much needed.

    “I envy the certainty that others seem to possess.”

    We all go through times where we feel not certain, I admire your courage to say this as many don’t. We seem to be sure footed, but sometimes we all doubt. We may doubt our path, but surely when we know we are following Christ it is the right path. I am praying for you.

  9. “I’m not sure what I am anymore, or what this blog is. This isn’t a Game blog, as I am certainly no PUA. I’m not a MGHOW nor a MRA activitst. And I am not some kind of rationalist observer, watching it all from the sidelines without a care in the world. I suppose that, given what Chad, Deep Strength, Free Northerner and I have been working on as of late you could call me a “Christian Masculinist.” Because in that project I find a sense of purpose that I haven’t felt for a long, long time. And yet… I doubt.”

    I can relate to a lot of what you say here. The things you say you are not, I am not. I prefer “Biblical manliness advocate” to “Christian Masculinist,” but that’s probably semantical. But when it come to purpose, I know what I am. I am a watchman. I take my reason for writing from Ezekiel 33:1-20. I think you might also find some encouragement in that passage.

  10. Sometimes I just wish that I could pick a path, stick to it and ignore everything else. But I can’t. No matter how much I might wish that I could do so, no matter how hard I try, I can’t- I just can’t. I always second guess myself. I always doubt.

    Welcome to the club.

  11. Forgot to add this one,

    Proberbs 3:5,6

    “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

    I believe doubt is natural inclination of being human. Our own understanding is often times wrong, we just have to keep walking that narrow path even when we are plagued with doubt. If you know you are doing His work, and you still have that annoying doubt trying to hold you back, it is from Satan. Satan doesn’t want you to do the Lord’s work so he will place doubt in your heart and try to get you to lose confidence in what you are doing. Doubt will always knock at the door, as long as you are human, we succeed when we answer it with faith. 🙂

  12. Others have said some good things.

    It would be a lie to say that I only write for the Christian nice guys. I am also writing in part for myself.

    I find that the more I write the more I understand. It forces me deeper into the Scriptures, and I have to think about if what I am writing is theologically correct first and applicable to masculinity second.

    I freely admit my application of material in life is not the best, but it is improving. As an INTJ it’s hard for me to do something without understanding it, so the more I understand the mindset that I need to have the more I change.

  13. Good post! Hey, we have this treasure in earthen vessels. I think the *right thing* is to glorify God no matter what you find yourself doing. And you definitely desire to do that based on what I have read of your writing! So, I think you probably have a lot more certainty than you realize — maybe you need to just push the doubts aside? I’ll look forward to see the direction you go with your blog.

  14. jack

    Tell me about doubt. I’m never more than about 5 minutes away from abandoning a lifetime of principled behavior. Not because of desire, but because of spite.

    Thorough annihilation of previously principled actions, in order that there be no room for prevarication about intent.

    In other words, I’ve been slut-shopping, or something.

  15. jack

    The semi-last straw was the Christian single mom who most recently harvested me for freebies, while playing “interested possible girlfriend” game on me.

    She had the church thing down, which was probably how she got past my usually keen filter.

    No. Rings. For. Sluts.

    But that principle never said ” no dick for sluts”. One must adapt.

  16. Samuel Hancock

    It is human nature to have doubts. They arise in us because of our empathy. People who do not care do not have doubts. The same can be said of secular progressives who think they know everything there is know. They never have doubts about anything because they are blind to their own faults. However; I digress. We are told by our Lord to cast all of our cares on him. This is necessary so we do not worry needlessly over things that may or may not be important. We must be like the apostle Paul, who was told “My grace is sufficient for thee” So, when doubts do occur, prayer is a first line of defense. It also helps to be living in the Lord and to be in constant fellowship with him. I do not mean to the detriment of all other obligations. But, if we have daily confessed all sins, and keep his promises uppermost in our thoughts. Our paths will be clear and doubts will be few.

    My Take

  17. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.” (Psalm 32:8)

    “For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all churches of the saints” (1 Corinthians 14:33)

    “And the Lord will guide you continually
    and satisfy your desire in scorched places
    and make your bones strong;
    and you shall be like a watered garden,
    like a spring of water,
    whose waters do not fail.” (Isaiah 58:11)

  18. femininebutnotfeminist

    EoF pretty much summed up everything I was just about to say…

    Take heart Donal. You may not be 100% sure where you are headed, but God does. He is using you to do great things. I for one have found soooooo much encouragement from your writing, and I know a lot of others have too. Just keep on keepin’ on, as they say. And when in doubt, trust God and pray. 🙂

  19. mdavid444444

    Having read a lot of your stuff, I would merely define you as a man who seeks the truth. God is the way, Truth, and life…and the devil is the the Father of Lies…and the gate is narrow and few find it.

    Most of modern culture is merely a package of white lies to help people to avoid the truth as long as possible: 1) life is hard and is often unfair, and 2) we are going to die. It’s hard to accept.

    People tend to split into two camps: they a) seek God but demand their own personal understanding of what God is and deny the Church, or b) they deny God altogether for the pleasures of the world. So it is a very, very small group (the gate is indeed narrow and few find it) who 1) seek God and the unity of God’s church and not their own ego, while 2) accepting natural law – that is, they believe mankind is good just as God made him and needs no modification (except baptism and to reject sin).

    It’s tough to seek the truth in the modern world. Nobody will help, and nearly everybody is trying to simplify things to fit their own bias. You see this all the time with people denying natural law (i.e., the difference between the sexes) or question how the methods of how God does things (deny human evolution, science, or the reality of game, or whatever they don’t want to believe in, regardless of the data. They become God).

    Very few people can look at the world and humbly acknowledge: I didn’t make it nor create myself, and I’m here to learn and accept what is, not to try to recreate the world to make it more palatable to myself. One group denies God, the other tries to tell God how natural law and morality should work as if they created it themselves. So if you seek the truth in humility, you become a very, very slim minority. Methinks that’s what you are experiencing. I’ve never found it gets any easier over time, since both wings will deny you. One group creates heresies, while another creates fantasies. The truth is the eye of the needle.

  20. Patrick Pedat Ebediyah Golston

    Each of you with Blogs, I have been following here and there, silently, for quite some time. Father Yahweh gave me a vision for something called “The Circumspect Life” a few years ago. I’ve written short devotionals about this and that, railings against sin and lawlessness and the foolishness of this age. I declared that any time hasatan reared his head against any and everything concerning Biblical manhood and righteousness, I would pull out my sword and shield and fight against it.

    I have lost more battles than I have won.

    This made me realize that I am ill-equipped in so many ways, and that I need help through the visions and voices of other men and women who hate the works of the enemy as much as I do, which – in my own self-righteousness – I didn’t think existed – because the so-called ‘church’ has become a den of doting effeminate betas who are afraid to offend all the Eves (and their fanboys) in the body.

    I’m inclined the scrap TCL for now and regroup. I believe I need to learn more.

    All I do nowadays is read blogs such as yours and others on this thread – and I’m constantly repenting because of all the time I spend reading at work. *sigh*

    I just can’t get enough of truth and righteousness. I wish I had more people in my life who felt the same. 😦

  21. Patrick Pedat Ebediyah Golston

    @jack:

    “Tell me about doubt. I’m never more than about 5 minutes away from abandoning a lifetime of principled behavior. Not because of desire, but because of spite.”

    LOL.

    How many times has this brother been there!

    I don’t want to become a serial fornicator…I really don’t. But these women… aren’t worth the time and energy of a godly man trying to keep His charge.

    I’d love to HEAR one say, “I do what He says because He says it and because I love Him. And I know that I have a duty to the man that He sends me – and I’m game – in every way – I promise”.

    And I’d love to SEE some of those (appropriate) actions being modeled in courtship.

    Saying, “I’m a Christian woman and I love the Lord” means zilch nowadays.

    The Red Pill is a big pill to swallow, but it’s truth leads to clarity and peace – and sometimes a few &^*%^! moments.

  22. jack

    Christian evolutionists always give me a chuckle. It is the strangest position for any human to take.

    There is something about a certain strain of Christians who fear the snickering derision of the atheist evolutionist. So, they “give in” on that one point, so as to not seem too “out there” to the world, either through ignorance of the flimsy pseudo-science that evolutionary apologists use, or the aforementioned fear.

    One of my favorite methods of entertainments to issue science-based challenges to Christian evolutionists. It is hilarious to watch them twist themselves into a knot, squawking the word “science” over and over again, with nary a verifiable shred of proof of their position.

    Christian evolutionists are either not real Christians, or they are cowardly Christians who still need to win approval from the world on at least one point.

    Think of it as “science-fetish white knighting”.

    It would be funny if it was not so sad.

    I have no problem with atheists holding evolutionary views, which is more or less the reasonable viewpoint of a God-doubter/God-hater (most atheists are both).

  23. When I find myself deep in doubt, if I step back I find that what I’m really in doubt about is my knowledge of the future. That perspective does a couple things.

    1) It’s completely to be expected not to know what the future holds. That’s what makes it the future.

    2) I refocus on the very immediate concerns; drawing back my focus until I get things within my inner-sight that I know and do not doubt. These are usually mundane things: Get ready for bed, get ready for work, organize the garage, pay bills, that sort of thing.

    While I’m doing those things my doubt abates.

    If your blog is a focus of these doubts: Our posts can seem very important, but they are not. I fall into that trap, too; getting angry about things I should not. Your friendships with and your specific knowledge of DS, FN, Chad, and especially the people you know in the flesh are of much greater importance than whatever inner monologues we jot on the web.

  24. Samuel Hancock:

    It is human nature to have doubts. They arise in us because of our empathy. People who do not care do not have doubts. The same can be said of secular progressives who think they know everything there is know. They never have doubts about anything because they are blind to their own faults.

    That’s an interesting point. I, too, am plagued by second-guessing myself sometimes, in particular when it comes to some aspect or another of parenting, and it really is because I care so much about my children that I’m afraid I’ll mess up. As you say, prayer is the best course of action.

  25. Thank you for your kind words everyone. Prayer has definitely been on the top of my mind. I’m going to try and answer people in the next few comments here.

  26. @ Elspeth

    I’m in good company, it seems.

    @HisLordship

    The first time you find something beautiful and incredible, you always doubt the evidence of your senses and your reason.

    This was beautiful and moving, thank you. I will try and keep it in mind.

    @ ANO

    People who “have no doubts” and seem full of self-assurance are the greater problem as they’re convinced of the rightness of their positions, and it’s nearly impossible to get them to change their mind even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This also means they’re not open to new or enhanced understanding of “stuff”, and it’s for that reason that I personally avoid such people and their blogs.

    I know such people, and I tend to find them grating at best, and dangerous at worst. Avoiding becoming like that is perhaps why I doubt as I do.

    @ EOF

    Thank you. I have hoped that my efforts here were pleasing to the Lord, but whether this is true or not is one of those things that gnaws at the back of my mind. Hopefully God feels the same as you about what I am doing.

    @ moose

    Yeah, I think it is a question of semantics. What matters is the intent, and what we mean in our hearts.

    @ NSR

    Welcome to the club.

    That’s nice, but is there a cover charge?

    @ Deep Strength

    I also write somewhat for myself. Both because I need a way to express myself, but also to force myself to examine what I think and believe. And ditto to the INTJ stuff.

    @ Amanda

    I always feel like its a hollow kind of certainty that I have. Not on the biggest things (like is there a God?), but more on the application of my beliefs.

  27. @ Samuel

    Interesting points about Empathy. I think you are on to something there. The rest of your comment is also spot on.

    @ Lovelyleblanc

    Thank you for the quotes from scripture.

    @ FBNF

    Thanks. It helps to know that others appreciate my work.

    @ Mdavid

    A lot of truth to what you said there. You’ve given me some more to think about.

    @ Patrick

    I hope this blog has been helpful to you on your journey.

    @ Cane

    Thanks for your perspective.

  28. theshadowedknight

    Doubt is Fear. Fear is something that you have created for yourself, but Courage does not exist without Fear. Use your Fear, and your Doubt, and above all, use your Faith, because Faith endures, where even Man cannot go.

    The Shadowed Knight

  29. Pingback: One-Year Blogiversary: Reflections | Donal Graeme

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s