I second guess myself. A lot. I suppose it is in my nature. Over time I have built myself into a person who tries to always do he right thing. In order to be that person I have to know what the right thing is. But rarely is the “right thing” easy and obvious to discern. In this day and age there are so very many different paths to walk, each of them saying that this particular path is the right one. I find myself always second guessing whether I am following the right path. Every day it seems like there is a new fact, a new piece of evidence, a new point of view that makes me question my choices and my beliefs.
Sometimes I just wish that I could pick a path, stick to it and ignore everything else. But I can’t. No matter how much I might wish that I could do so, no matter how hard I try, I can’t- I just can’t. I always second guess myself. I always doubt.
Doubt… at the moment my mind is full of it. I am not sure if it is strange, or fitting, that I should be in such a state right now. Because, for the first time in a long while, I am starting to finally feel the ground beneath my feet. Things are finally starting to make sense- everything is clicking into place. At long last I can see the faintest of glimmers ahead of me on the road. And yet, at the same time… I doubt.
I guess these reflections are prompted by the fact that it has been nearly a year since I stared this blog. My first post was on March 10, 2013. A lot has happened since then. I started this blog in large part because Sunshine Mary had deleted her old one, and I wanted to preserve some of what I had written before. Since then I have written on a variety of topics. Yet the overall focus has tended to be the same. Therein is found some of my doubt. If you had asked me what kind of blog this was when I first started up, I would have told you that this was a “Red Pill” themed blog, although perhaps one with a Christian theme or perspective. For a while I would have called this blog a “Red Pill Christian blog”, and myself a “Red Pill Christian blogger.” But now?
I’m not sure what I am anymore, or what this blog is. This isn’t a Game blog, as I am certainly no PUA. I’m not a MGHOW nor a MRA activitst. And I am not some kind of rationalist observer, watching it all from the sidelines without a care in the world. I suppose that, given what Chad, Deep Strength, Free Northerner and I have been working on as of late you could call me a “Christian Masculinist.” Because in that project I find a sense of purpose that I haven’t felt for a long, long time. And yet… I doubt.
I envy the certainty that others seem to possess. That sense of self-assurance that lets them steam forward no matter what. The ability to set aside all doubt. I can only imagine what it must be like.