A Must Read Story

A woman going by the name of Eva has found her way to Dalrock’s blog, drawn by his post Advice to a woman in her 30’s looking to marry (Warning, 1000+ comments, so it can present loading problems). She left her story there, which can be found here. It is worth reading in its entirety.

I’m late to the discussion, but I found this blog today and after reading it and all the comments, I wish I could apologize to the “beta orbiters” I had for how I treated them when I was younger. I’m 4 months into being 30, but I’ve been aware of my impending expiry date as a marriageable woman, partly because of my mother’s training. She got married around 23 to my biological father in their home country, moved to America with him and had me and my younger brother, then divorced and was able to snare another younger man (she being 32, my stepfather 29 at the time) to marry and take care of us all. I grew up envisioning that by the time I was 25 I’d find someone like my wonderful beta stepfather, not because of any sordid incestuous attraction – but because he was a great provider, worked as an educator, and he was a great leader and father). My fantasy husband and I would raise 5(!) children together. Go ahead and laugh, but I’m a hopeless romantic, a 2nd-gen immigrant with ‘old world’ tastes, and I really love and get along with kids! I thought my fantasy was definitely attainable because I’d watched my mother get the same deal with her beauty and agelessness (today she’s 55 but routinely gets mistaken for 35), plus I felt I had the ‘advantage’ of growing up Westernized, being educated, having my youth and her genes, and being much more ‘likable’ than my mother. My mother suffers from narcissism and is quite abusive, even and especially when she’s being worshiped like she demands.

I discovered that it was ‘easy’ for me to attract boys starting in middle school. My stepfather treated me like his own daughter, though, and he was very protective of my virtue – my first date was my senior prom! I was insecure because my mother was constantly belittling me (telling me I was ugly, a closet lesbian, too nerdy), but when I got to college and had to beat the male attention off with a stick, my ego ballooned. I was convinced that I was better than the betas that I used to get along well with in high school, and could get myself an alpha to marry instead of the boys who wanted to discuss Mortal Kombat and Dark Avengers all day. Yet I felt no one would ask me out but the hopelessly-optimistic betas who persisted despite the fact that my stepfather taught at the university I attended, and was around more than ever to guard my every move. I spent/wasted a lot of time flirting and less time caring about the opportunity my stepfather gave me (free tuition). I used to be studious, but dropped my scholarly interests to be one of the popular girls, and stopped taking life seriously – instead hitting up every party and social on campus, playing a game with myself to see which alpha I could get to ‘fall in love’ with me next. My stepfather had connections to help me get summer jobs, as well, and I screwed those up because I didn’t do the work. I’d avoid being at home because my parents were constantly fighting, and I didn’t want to be a housemaiden, taking care of my new 2 young stepsiblings and doing chores, basically being responsible in any way when I felt I was entitled to ‘the college experience’ and had earned it by being a jailed-up late bloomer.

My stepfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and it changed my whole college experience. My mother wasn’t willing to give up her job to be a housewife and look after anybody either, my brother had already moved out to escape my mother’s abuse, and I didn’t want my stepfather to have be both father and mother as he was dying, so I dropped out of college and stayed home to help in any way I could. I think my stepsiblings saw me more as a mother than their sister during that period, because I babysat, fixed their meals, made sure they caught the school bus, helped with homework, tried to keep them from understanding how badly their father was doing. My stepfather finally passed away when I was 23, and shortly after the university gave him a funeral (and my stepfather’s will went into effect), my mother kicked me out because she wanted to get married again, and I would be a tip-off to any potential suitors/suckers that she wasn’t as young as she looked. I went out into the world for the first time without ‘Dad’ to help me, and I had no job, no formal education (only some college), no skills, just my looks. I latched onto the first male who would have me, moved in with him, and gave away my virginity at age 24. Then when that guy got tired of me, it was on to another one, an alpha who knew me from college. My third live-in boyfriend raped me at age 27, and again there was another psychological shift. I wasn’t able to get a criminal conviction against the man (charges were filed but dropped by prosecution for ‘insufficient evidence’), but I’m in the middle of a civil lawsuit against him and the church I joined where I met him, since that church actively tried to cover up that he had assaulted me. I feel like ever since I lost my dad, I’ve been wandering in a haze of life where the mist keeps getting thicker as I age and wonder if I’m salvageable.

My thing is – it will sound insane to most people, but I think some my horrible experiences were necessary in some way because they’ve forced me to see that I was no ‘catch’ in my 20s, and I have to race against time if I’m going to have a shot at giving away the love I know I have in me. I realize now that I was entitled, spoiled, and insecure growing up partly because I had nothing to work for or earn on my own. I was so selfish until my father dying while my mother acted like she was being deprived of life made me see that I didn’t want to be like her, but that was where I was going to end up because I was on the path. I spent every dime I touched because I knew my parents would bail me out of trouble when I needed it, and now I’m on my own trying to fix my credit history. I used to get As in school, now I’m uneducated and working as a housekeeper to keep myself afloat, but in a way I appreciate it because it’s reinforcing the ‘old world’ teachings I had growing up that I tried to escape – that a woman should know how to keep house. I’d like to go back to school, but I’m hoping that that can be a part-time thing I’ll do from home while I raise children. I want to be a stay-at-home mother – to this day I get a lot of happiness from checking in on and visiting my younger stepsiblings and bolstering them up as much as I can, especially when my mother decides she ‘quits’ for weeks at a time and drops the children off at my apartment. I’m not suited for alpha males. It has nothing to do with my looks or that I still get mistaken for being an 18-year-old by complete strangers, but rather that I want a man of substance … if that man will have me.

A lot of comments upthread asked the woman to evaluate what she can bring to the table for a man. Hmm … debt? Working-class income? One thing that I think I have going for me is that my experiences haven’t broken me. I believe in and really try to self-improve – reading, researching, praying, etc. to get better at life. I probably do have some psychological work to do still, but I don’t think I’m resentful or angry. I’m always being complimented on my smile, if that means anything – I can’t help that I smile even when I’m talking (most of the time). I’m grateful that in spite of her faults, I had a mother who modeled hygiene, health, and feminine dress and presentation very well, and I keep myself up to look sweet without being slutty. I can cook any dish from my parents’ home country, a lot of American dishes, and I love to experiment with my own recipes. I can make clothing. I’ve learned to show that I’m a giving person and not just convince myself that I’m so, or that because I’m soft-spoken and rather shy it means I’m submissive, when my actions should show that to be the case. My N is 3, and I’m determined to keep it there until I (hopefully) marry – not to be crass, but if my sexual desires get that intense, masturbation is a lot less headache than the guilt I feel after cheating my future husband out of myself little by little. I don’t smoke, drink, do any recreational drugs, have any prescriptions to worry about, I’m 5’3″ and 115 llbs,, no illness in my family that I know of, keep myself healthy. No tattoos. I speak 3 languages. I don’t have a religious affiliation, I was raised Catholic but I think I lean more towards Judaism in my personal beliefs – I read from the Tanakh/’Old Testament’ daily but don’t believe in the writings of the New Testament? (I forget the rest of the list!)

All this goes to say that to read the comments where men trash certain women for being 30+ older unmarried really cut to my heart, but I know no one would be saying anything if there were no problems to speak of. I understand that nobody wants to be anyone’s consolation prize in marriage. It’s a huge step for a man to choose any single woman and say ‘lets do this forever’, much less to choose a woman who gave him the cold shoulder back when she thought she had ‘better options’ than commitment, security, stability, and a purpose for living and loving.

I am sure that everyone here is familiar with the story of the Prodigal Son; if not then you can read it here. The story has many themes: repentance and redemption, the power of forgiveness, a Father’s love for his child, and the importance of embracing those who went astray but have returned. But there is another lesson in the story, one that is sometimes easy to forget in the reassurance of God’s boundless love for us. That lesson is a reminder that the prodigal son lost his inheritance, and doesn’t recover it. It is lost to him. While his Father does bestow some measure of kinds and riches on him, they pale in comparison to what is gone forever. And yet, what is really gone?

The inheritance that is mentioned in Luke’s gospel is not a material inheritance, just as the father here isn’t simply a rich landowner (this is a parable, after all!). Instead, the inheritance which the younger brother squandered is the measure of contentment and happiness that we enjoy in this world as a result of living a holy life. Although it is difficult for us to see when we are younger, following our Father’s commands ensures that we keep our inheritance and avoid the real hardships in life: Guilt, Remorse, Regret and Unfulfilled Dreams. Yes, living in sin is a blast… for a while. But eventually, unless we correct ourselves, we spend all of our inheritance, that is, use up the protections from the misery resulting from sin that we were allotted in life. Some have more protection, and some less. But eventually it is all gone, and the full measure of our sin weighs down upon us. At which point, enduring the burdens of a sinful life,  some will return to their Father, and seek forgiveness. Some wiser ones return before all is squandered. Thankfully, our God is merciful and compassionate, and will forgive us our transgressions.

However, our slate is only wiped clean in our next life, not this one. While we live we must still deal with the consequences of our past actions. The knowledge of God’s forgiveness can ease these burdens for a while (like a certain robe, ring and fatted calf), but that is only temporary relief.

Eva represents an instance of a prodigal daughter, a woman who fell far and has slowly pulled herself back. She has yet to fully return to her Father, and sadly may never complete this journey. But even if she does she will not return as she left. She squandered much of her inheritance, and what is left might not be enough for what she hoped to use it for. She may never find a man who is willing to make her into his wife, and even if she does, it is doubtful that he would be anywhere near the quality of man whom she could have married 10 years before.

Her story is one that should be told to all women are who coming of age, as a lesson to be etched deep in their hearts. They need to be taught that their inheritance is their youth, their beauty, and their virtue. If they squander that inheritance, what they are left with in the end might not be enough to buy them the happiness and contentment they seek.