This post’s title is somewhat tongue in cheek, as I rather doubt that I will be offering “Girl Game” tips in the future. For those looking for such advice, Girls Being Girls is your best bet. But I was inspired to write about the subject by some recent events in my life, as well as reading someone relate a story where she received some truly awful “Girl Game” advice, which thankfully was not followed. Before I get into the advice, I will relate two brief stories about girls I met recently.
Girl #1
Last week I attended an evening Mass at my local church (many Catholic churches will hold services, which we call Mass, during the week), something which I hadn’t done for a long time. When I arrived at church I noticed a young woman, perhaps mid-twenties, sitting in one of the pews. My seat didn’t provide me much of an opportunity to get a good look at her, but she seemed pretty enough at first glance, not to mention thin. Her clothing appeared fairly modest as well, which, coupled with her body language, made her seem somewhat demure. I didn’t recognize her, as I hadn’t seen her at any of the normal masses at my church before. Naturally all this intrigued me, and I wished that I had an opportunity to speak with her before Mass. During the service I was struck by her voice, which had a sweetness and clarity to it that I found thoroughly enjoyable. While I was still concentrating on the Mass (something I became quite skilled at years before thanks to the Sunday Morning Nightclub), I resolved to speak with her afterward. While I couldn’t be sure, I wasn’t able to observe any rings on her fingers, so I guessed that she was unmarried. Unfortunately, as soon as Mass ended I saw her leave quickly and rush out of church, before I even had a chance to leave my pew.
Girl #2
A few days later I was at Saturday vigil Mass (seriously, there is no making an excuse about not being able to attend Church as a Catholic), which is the usual service that I attend. I was already seated, and Mass was about to begin, when I observed a young woman sit several rows ahead of me. She appeared to be of Hispanic descent, and was either very early twenties or late teens. She was clearly pretty and had a feminine figure as well. Like the previous girl, I had never seen her before at Church, which made me wonder if she normally attended one of the Spanish language Masses. Interestingly enough, I thought that she might have been giving off some IOIs during Mass (which was rather distracting, actually) by playing around with her hair, which was a long and lustrous black. Furthermore, she also sat in her pew in such a way so that she didn’t face straight forward, but instead facing somewhat sideways, which meant that she could see me out of the corner of her eye. The thought of not speaking with her after Mass never entered my mind. But this time, Mass wasn’t even fully over before the young woman left her pew and hastily exited church.
The Tip
Now, it is likely that both young ladies had somewhere to go after Church. Perhaps even something important. And it is also possible that neither was “single” in the sense of not having a man in her life. And of course, one could question if Church is the proper place to make an approach (but if not Church, then where? Especially if you are looking for a devout spouse). Whatever the situation, neither girl made herself available for an approach.
And this is the crux of the matter. If a good, high-value woman wants to be approached by men, she needs to make herself available. Rushing about from place to place makes this next to impossible. If you have time, linger for a few minutes. Give any men who might be interested the opportunity to evaluate you and decide to make an approach. You can help them by moving somewhat away from any other action going on, to give a slight amount of privacy between the two of you. Men can feel somewhat vulnerable during an approach, so we feel less pressured when it is just us and the woman in the vicinity. Also, it is essential to maintain a pleasant or even cheerful demeanor if you can manage it. This makes it much more likely that a man will approach you. Men are drawn to cheerful women, and are repulsed by angry or unpleasant ones.
So, to summarize:
Girl Game Tip #1: Be Available
1) Let yourself linger for a few minutes to give me a chance to approach
2) Place yourself in a somewhat private place
3) Display a pleasant or cheerful attitude
Thus endeth the lesson.
Update 1: Girl #2 wasn’t present at the vigil Mass yesterday. Something tells me that I will probably never see her again.
Donal Graeme 
Nice one! Just seconds ago I switched the words Be Available with Be Approachable several times over in a comment about ‘Girl Game’ 🙂
I hope the girls come back to church and linger next time!
Thanks. I was unsure if it should be Available or Approachable. But as I thought on it, it really was a matter of Availability. If you aren’t aren’t around, you are neither available nor approachable.
So true 🙂 And I went with Approachable to cover the ‘don’t be so reserved you come across as haughty’ aspect :)11
True post. I had an interest back in the mid-90’s in a girl at church. She seemed interested as well but it was next to impossible to have meaningful conversation with her because she was always doing something with girlfriends, etc. I gave up and dated someone else. And I moved away from the area 1,100 miles to the southwest.
Fast forward fifteen years, I revisit the church with a buddy. I’m at the information table making a phone call. She walks by alone, sees me there and get in line at the table, putting herself in a position that she would be near me as the line moved forward and people were served.
The years have not been kind to her and what attractiveness she had was clearly in the past. I had things to take care of and had no interest in speaking with her as I had lost interest in her long ago and had no reason to rekindle any interest. I walked away without speaking.
Back in her prime years she was always too busy to let guys who were interested (and there were a number who were), myself being one of them, get to know her. That no longer seems to be a problem given that she no longer has the attractiveness she did not too many years ago.
Ladies, give us guys a chance. Yes, we make mistakes, I made many of them and regret it. And you might have to help us or give us encouragement. But at least be available and not in a hurry and perhaps you won’t share this woman’s situation. Relationships don’t flourish when one or both parties are always in a hurry. Often, they don’t even begin.
The best plans of mice and men….
When I’ve gone to daily mass a couple times during the week…I noticed a pleasant looking girl there. I would introduce myself to her but after Mass we pray the rosary and to me that is more important. If she wasn’t in such a rush to get out of there once Mass is done…I would approach.
Now that I’m over approach anxiety…it seems their busyness is the next obstacle I have to get over. But that one is on her.
Donal, it’d be great to have a man’s POV of Girl Game over on GBG. If you’re ever interested in writing something up for us or want to x-post one of your posts here please let me know!
@ MargeryM
Thanks. I’m not sure what I can contribute, but I will consider the offer.
Also, it is essential to maintain a pleasant or even cheerful demeanor if you can manage it. This makes it much more likely that a man will approach you. Men are drawn to cheerful women, and are repulsed by angry or unpleasant ones.
Wow, it is interesting you mention this.
I am a very cheerful and giggly girly-girl. It is a relatively common demeanor among Japanese girls. After I moved to America in my youth I was told to act more serious. I still have difficulty making female Western friends, due to many of them finding perkiness to be grating (for example, the irrational female hatedom of Zooey Deschanel). To make a long story short, I just assumed Americans didn’t like cheerful women…???
Are you sure all American men feel this way about cheerfulness? I guess I got approached a lot by guys (and I still do – but only ’cause my fingers get swollen during RA flares and I cannot wear my wedding ring on my finger) when I was single but that isn’t relatively uncommon for young women. I mean, considering how hostile American culture is to female cheerfulness – if it was a trait valued by men than why would it be so suppressed?
Hi Butterfly Flower 🙂
“I mean, considering how hostile American culture is to female cheerfulness – if it was a trait valued by men than why would it be so suppressed?”
Because the world is so upside down! Because what is valuable to men is no longer being adhered to, respected and followed, nor even LISTENED to these days! Because everything that men value is being systematically crushed, rejected, denied, withheld and replaced with a horrific alternative that serves the enemy!
As for you Butterfly Flower, you carry on being cheerful and brightening up your corner of the earth 🙂 x Hannah
Ps… You might think it’s just American culture that is perverse but I assure you that this is world wide…. not many societies have remained unscathed by the feminist machine.
This approach to “be available” — linger for a bit, be in a private place; and be cheerful – is part and parcel of what I’ve talked about in my comments on this blog when I’ve said women are going to have to assume some of the risks of meeting, approaching and “breaking the ice”. It sounds harsh, but women will simply have to be more proactive in this process.
It used to be men would have to assume 100% of the risk – the risk of rejection, overcoming approach anxiety, and going forward – while women stood back and simply let men come to them while they selected the man (men) they wanted. It’s not going to work that way anymore. Chances are that the attractive man who’s aggressive and forward is not interested in much more than sex. If you want good men, you’re going to have to make it very, very easy for them to come to you and you’ve got to make it crystal clear that they’re not going to get blown out of the water if they approach.
Another problem that’s inhibiting “be available” is the extreme defensiveness most women seem to have around ALL but the most attractive men. This culture is training women to see all men as creeps, potential rapists, sexual harassers, and violent serial killers. This culture does little but instill fear, distrust and distance between men and women.
Great post and good advice!
@deti,
but confidence and poise is one of the LAMPS factors, in a way, isn’t it? Expecting women to share the ‘burden’ of approaching men because men are no longer willing to do it is not very different from expeting men to do the vacuuming because women are no longer willing to do it, I think.
@ Anja:
“but confidence and poise is one of the LAMPS factors, in a way, isn’t it? Expecting women to share the ‘burden’ of approaching men because men are no longer willing to do it is not very different from expeting men to do the vacuuming because women are no longer willing to do it, I think.”
Perhaps I’m not making myself clear.
It’s not all or nothing, Anja. I’m not saying men are now going to expect women to do all the approaching and all the asking. I’m simply saying women can do their part by creating conditions favorable to male approaches and asking. Smile. Be nice. Don’t make the guy feel supremely uncomfortable. Be willing to be by yourself with him. Don’t be paranoid and don’t act like every guy is a criminal. Don’t nuclear reject the guy if you’re not interested and if you do reject him, don’t blab about how that creep asked you out.
I recognize a lot of girls will feel uncomfortable asking men out. Women need to make it easy for men. They need to be proactive in creating favorable conditions. That’s not the same thing as transforming the world into one big Sadie Hawkins dance.
Great advice, unfortunately I’m guilt of this. Being cheerful isn’t hard for me at all, I’m known as the girl who is always happy, but availability is such a problem for me. I’m very busy and while I would always stay after church, it would be because I’m babysitting kids, volunteering, helping in the back of the kitchen when there was a potluck. I was never in one place or by myself.
@Butterfly Flower
You’re right. Being friendly and cheerful makes a lot of women furious for some reason. It’s as if most American women have adopted that snobbish Kim Kardashian persona.
Men seem to appreciate it though. I notice I have to tone down my friendliness a bit as a married woman. For instance, there have been a few times where I’ve smiled and made small talk with men at my gym just b/c it’s my nature and they’ve misinterpreted it to mean that I was letting them know I’m available.
I’m not flirty and I always wear my wedding ring. Plus, I long ago hit that “wall” that the men in the manosphere are always talking about. Essentially, despite being in good shape and looking somewhat younger than my age, I’m definitely over the hill. But, I guess men are so desperate to find a woman who is friendly rather than snooty that they overlook these things.
You’re right. Being friendly and cheerful makes a lot of women furious for some reason. It’s as if most American women have adopted that snobbish Kim Kardashian persona.
I guess I am still naive to American culture. I always assumed American men wanted cold, uncheerful women (I never was attracted to an American man, and I married a Japanese man – I’m pretty clueless on American male preferences)
Although I have noticed that American women seem to think that people are required to put up with their bad attitudes. I have been driven to tears by American women on numerous occasions – yet whenever I confront them on their cruelty I’m told I’m too sensitive and to just deal with it. American women are the same way with their interactions with men, if not, more so. Like, men are supposed to be strong, and supposed to deal with whatever cruel, downright sociopathic trials women force them through.
The men who complain about bitchy women are just weak worthless betas – losers who don’t deserve them.
On another blog Shadowed Knight? (it could have been Deti) once eloquently explained to me why American women lose their sh!t when they see American men who happily marry foreign women. They want to have a monopoly on men, so they can continue treating them poorly and get away with it. I was skeptical of his explanation at first but I guess it makes sense, if what Donal says about American men wanting cheerful women, is true.
It’s not all or nothing, Anja. I’m not saying men are now going to expect women to do all the approaching and all the asking.
Um, what is so horrible about asking a man out, or telling a man you like him? I mean many Christian women complain about never being asked on dates by timid Christian guys – so why not solve the problem? Men aren’t telepathic.
I asked my husband out because he was pretty dense. I threw every signal at him possible (including trying to kiss him!) but the poor fool had no idea I l liked him! (which is especially hilarious because I liked him since I was about 14. I wrote his name in hearts in my diary)
Asking a man out isn’t inherently unfeminine. I collect vintage romance comics from the 1940’s & 50’s, and even way back then many of the stories involve women who ask guys out. LOL, men sure are clueless, sometimes! (I kept telling my husband he was cute – how could he have not known I liked him?)
@Donal: I sent you an email.
BF, that would have been me. Sex is the foundational transactional experience of mankind. Economics has many lessons for the observant when applied to social behavior. Fascinating, no?
The Shadowed Knight
I strongly disagree with this interpretation. I wrote an unpublished post about this very topic; it needs some editing, but I will put up that post, along with some thoughts on Donal’s OP, on Tuesday.
“Um, what is so horrible about asking a man out, or telling a man you like him?”
What if the guys doesn’t have the same feelings you do? Women have to make sure they don’t take it personally if they are going to do this (and from what I know about women…that might be impossible).
It’s great if the guy either feels the same way…or is flattered that you let your interest be made known and that starts his path to courting you….but sometimes a guy may not have the same feelings. Your story was an example of a success.
I’ve been rejected more times than I can count when I make a move…to the point it isn’t personal. I’ve heard stories about women getting rejected once…and never doing it again. That’s why men typically go at it first.
@deti
that is something else completely, and I apologise that I misunderstood. You are right women shouldn’t try to make it a harrowing experience, and I’m convinced they didn’t use to, a couple generation ago.
@Butterfly Flower,
there’s nothing horrible about asking a guy out, if that’s your cup of tea. I preferred not to do it, because I tended to attract men who ere in need of a mother, not of a wife and by never approaching anyone I tried to make sure the ones who did approach me were strong enough personalities that I would be able to submit to them naturally. That does not mean, of course, I behaved horribly to anyone who approached me, regardless of whether I liked them or not.
deti: ” This culture does little but instill fear, distrust and distance between men and women.”
SSM: “I strongly disagree with this interpretation.”
Why do you disagree? Can you give us a thumbnail sketch? I’m just describing what I see. Are you seeing something different?
@ anja: “You are right women shouldn’t try to make it a harrowing experience, and I’m convinced they didn’t use to, a couple generation ago.”
Agreed, and no apology necessary.
In many places there are so few inherently cheerful women that any decent looking cheerful woman in her 40’s or younger and without a wedding ring is going to get hit on a lot because that is like catnip to men. Doesn’t necessarily mean she will be successful at marriage, that takes a bit more than just being cheerful.
I think it’s acceptable for a woman to give a man her number and leave it to him after that. Depending on her family’s approach to these things, asking him out may not be feasible.
I’m not flirty and I always wear my wedding ring. Plus, I long ago hit that “wall” that the men in the manosphere are always talking about. Essentially, despite being in good shape and looking somewhat younger than my age, I’m definitely over the hill. But, I guess men are so desperate to find a woman who is friendly rather than snooty that they overlook these things.
There are two things at play. The first is what you said; a friendly, feminine woman’s demeanor is appreciated by most men. Men strike up conversations with me all the time. Not trying to pick me up, but it’s simply the realization that I see them as people worthy of a smile and a hello. A lot of women these days are very bitchy.
The second thing is that ‘the wall’ as it were, is not as easily recognizable outside the confines of the Internet. I’m 42 years old and I still have to be careful not to be too friendly. Most of the men who comment and write here are young, single men whose radar screen I would never be on. Good. I have daughters that I’d much rather they notice.
However, If you are not careful you’ll filter all your interaction with older (35+) men in the real world through the lens of of “I’m over the hill” and your niceness will be interpreted as an invitation. I’ve been too unguarded twice in the few months, viewing myself as ‘harmless’ and had to make a point of noting that I am married and not interested.
“However, If you are not careful you’ll filter all your interaction with older (35+) men in the real world through the lens of of “I’m over the hill” and your niceness will be interpreted as an invitation. I’ve been too unguarded twice in the few months, viewing myself as ‘harmless’ and had to make a point of noting that I am married and not interested.”
Yep. I call it “the vibe.” I am definitely too old to attract the younger crowd, but the mature men are still looking around, and if you don’t give off the right “vibe” of being married, they will see it as an invitation. Plus wearing the wedding ring helps. I try to be friendly but nonchalant when interacting with men at the gym or grocery or wherever.
You married ladies do have a good point in keeping your filter on. Which is always good for protecting your marriage. But you are definitely witnessing the lack of cheer on the part of most women out there when you are experiencing how ridiculously easy it is to get male attention just by putting your cheerful self out there.
The single women who desire marriage are the ones who have to watch their filters and calibrate them downward as required if they are in the presence of marriageable men.
They’re all looking for Jesus Christ in Brad Pitt’s body.
If women wanted relationships and marriages, they would have them. There is no shortage of thirsting men.
But they “want it all”, and most of all is a man that is a symbol of their social triumph, one that makes their friends envious.
Anything that does not make her friends envious is not worth having. Because for most women, even a lot of Christian ones, the best part of having something is that someone else can’t have it.
That is what the story of Cinderalla is about, for crying out loud.
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Girl game tip: ditch the unicorn fantasy.
http://captaincapitalism.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/hey-they-stole-my-unicorn-idea.html
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