I.
In my last post, What qualities should a man look for in a wife?, I was asked by Maeve to “write a post about what a woman should look for/expect in a husband.” This was a reasonable request, and so I delved a bit into Scripture to create this counter-part for my last post. [Something that isn’t clear from the title, but is baked into this post and the last one, is that it is for Christians.] The goal is some basic qualities that a Christian woman should look for in a man to determine if he is “husband material.”
This post was a much easier endeavor, as I focused on Character traits rather than more specific life skills. However, before I mention what I think a Christian woman should look for, I wanted to mention a few suggestions brought up by commenters in the last post, as well as another set of traits mentioned elsewhere. That will be section 2. Section 3 will be my own thoughts. And of course Section 4 is the conclusion.
II.
Commenter Aquinas Dad suggested that the traits I was looking for had already been codified by the Church, a reference to the seven virtues:
Prudence
Temperance
Fortitude
Justice
Faith
Hope
Charity
While this is a good list of qualities for a potential husband to have, it is too broad and general to really be helpful to a woman trying to determine if a man would make for a good husband. Instead, we need to get a bit more specific (or particular, depending on how you want to define it) in order to get some identifiable qualities for Christian women to look out for.
While I was thinking about good qualities for a man to possess, I started to think of what might already be out there which could help. In particular, I was looking for something not written recently or by women. Searching around, I found in the Boy Scout Law something close to what I was thinking of. It has 12 points:
- Trustworthy
- Loyal
- Helpful
- Friendly
- Courteous
- Kind
- Obedient
- Cheerful
- Thrifty
- Brave
- Clean
- Reverent
A nice list, but a little shallow in some respects, and too long. It is possible to condense them down somewhat and make a shorter list. Besides, some of those points aren’t really necessary qualities in a husband, although good ones for a man to have.
Moving back to my original post, Deti and Deep Strength also chimed in, offering their thoughts on the subject. Here is the final list that they came up with:
- God-fearing
- Independence (he doesn’t need a woman)
- Interdependent on other men (is part of a “tribe” and has a place in it)
- Firmness of resolve (has a well developed worldview of facts and Truth, and is wedded to it)
- Industriousness (works a job and has some material things, or the potential for same)
- Temperate (even keeled in his day to day life, has basic mastery over his mind and body, does all in moderation and nothing to excess, easy going, slow to anger)
- Enforces his boundaries (1) enforce the boundaries and restrict others’ behavior to remain within them; or (2) remove the offending person/situation/behavior. This can be applied to jobs, social situations, friends, girlfriends and wives.
All in all a good list, although I think again there can be some condensing. Plus a few things are missing as well.
With all of this in mind, lets move on to part 3 where I discuss what I think Christian woman should look for.
III.
I used the above examples as guidelines or templates, and then looked at Scripture to fill everything in and make sure I was on the right track. Here are the qualities,. in what I perceive to be the order of importance, that a Christian woman should look for in a husband:
- God-fearing
- Courageous
- Honorable
- Sensible
- Resolute
- Mission-Oriented
- Temperate
Now for a bit more as to what they each mean.
- God-fearing- This is much the same as it was for my previous post. Devotion and faith all fall under this character trait. Scripture makes it clear that we are not to be yoked to unbelievers, and that Christian women shouldn’t marry men who are not of the Lord. So this trait is absolutely essential. It is also the most secure safe-guard that a woman can have that the man she marries love her as Christ loved the church.
- Courageous- Courage is a quintessential masculine trait, and is pretty much required for a man to really achieve his full potential. It is essential to face the many travails of life, as well as to really live your faith as required. For a husband especially be extremely wary about marrying a man without courage. Odds are, he will fold easily and be unable to lead you and your family as is required. The end result is you will probably lose sexual attraction to him, and suffer an unhappy family life. Courage is also necessary for him to protect his family as needed.
- Honorable- This traits encompasses trustworthiness and loyalty. It means a man of his word- someone who will follow through on his promises and treat you as you both want and need to be treated. Outside of faith, this means a man who will do the right thing- by you and by others. Kindness is a plus, but honor is a requirement. One can also include a strong sense of Justice here too- always a valuable thing in a man.
- Sensible- Prudence and wisdom fall here, but so does mastery of self. His ability to exercise sound judgment means the difference between a head of the household who knows what he is doing, and head of the household who doesn’t. Remember, you will need to submit to his authority, so pick someone who is going to make wise decisions. Also, someone who is in control of himself is very important, as it will keep trouble and sorrow away from your home. Well-grounded is another way to describe a man with this trait.
- Resolute- When he sets his mind on something, does he see it through to the end? Is he a hard worker? A resolute man is one who won’t be distracted or easily driven off course. Diligence is a key example of this trait. It is a very important trait, as his hard work and resolve will ensure that there is food on the table and a roof over the heads of you and your family. Jobs come and go, but a strong work ethic takes a life-time to develop. Likewise, any task which is necessary to your family’s well being requires a resolute man to see through to completion.
- Mission Oriented- This trait is somewhat difficult to explain. It means a man who is oriented towards a specific goal. He doesn’t drift from place to place, or event to event. Instead he deliberates on what actions to take, and then sets about accomplishing his goals. While seemingly similar to Resolve (or Diligence), its not the same thing. Diligence kicks in after a man has begun to act- this trait is what drives him beforehand. A man with this trait doesn’t let distractions divert him from his goal. Nor does he pedestalize women- he knows that a wife isn’t his mission but a key help in him achieving his mission.
- Temperate- Cool, calm and collected describes a man with this trait. A temperate man is one who controls his emotions, rather than let his emotions control him. You will find living with a temperate man to be much easier than living with a man ruled by his emotions, or subject to emotional outbursts from time to time.
Just as with my post concerning women, men will display these traits in different ways. All men are unique, even though they share many masculine qualities. And just like with women, you will need to observe a man to get a measure of how he fares when these character traits are concerned. Some can be easier to discover, perhaps in a conversation or two, while others will simply take time.
Just like with my previous post, Proverbs and Sirach were both pivotal in providing scriptural support. I also looked at many of the male figures in the Bible, and observed and analyzed their strengths and their flaws.
IV.
In summary, there are seven key character traits that Christian women should look for in a man to determine if he will make a good husband: god-fearing, courageous, honorable, sensible, resolute, mission-oriented and temperate. These are all character traits- more specific than the seven virtues but also not so specific as to include life-skills, which a man might not have had time to develop yet. As I close, I would like to note that there is no such thing as a perfect man. While I’m sure my regular readers don’t need to be reminded of that, I feel it prudent to issue that reminder all the same. None of us is perfect, and if women wait for perfection they will wait forever and never marry. So don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Instead, look for a man with a solid foundation of these character traits, and one who demonstrates a capacity and eagerness to improve himself.
[I’m sure I have missed a few things, so don’t be surprised to see this post get updated over time.]
Donal Graeme 
This post reminds me of a typical bland, vague sermon I hear in the RCC these days. Sounds nice, but how practical is it? Rather, I would tell chicks to look to specific, practical measurable traits before dating:
1) Does he attend church weekly? Bonus for leadership roles & doctrinal knowledge.
2) Does he have a job (or schooling) that demonstrates he’s smart, articulate, mission-driven?
3) Does he exercise? Play sports? Is he fit and masculine?
4) Does he have a temperate vehicle, clothing, toys? Does he live flashy?
5) Does he come from a large, intact family?
6) Does he waste time on a TV (sports) or video games?
7) What time does he normally get up on the weekends?
If dating I would hint around the following (evading my own opinions to see is he has balls):
a) Is he willing to support and lead a family? (NOT the “I love kids!” simp).
b) What does he think about abortion? Birth control? Family size?
c) Sex before marriage?
d) Under what conditions is divorce ever permissible for a woman or man?
e) Should kids take care of their parents? Siblings? Extended family?
For courageous I would expand it by using the words from God, Moses, Joshua, and David as they passed on the torch: “Be Strong and Courageous”
@ mdavid
You have gotten started on the next couple of posts in this series. I agree that these are somewhat general. But I wanted to see if there was some consensus on the traits to look for before writing a post which showed how to identify them. Same thing for the post on what to look for in a wife.
@ Deep Strength
I had those commands in mind. I consider strong to be part of Resolute, so its there, just not as obvious. Unless of course you can think of something which adequately covers both? Besides something as general as “Be a Man.”
This is a pretty good list. I can only think of 2 things to add (unless they come rolled into the qualities already listed here?)….
1. Chastity (I realize that most people don’t think that’s important for a man to be, but it really does say a lot about his character, and is attractive –in addition to being desirable–)
2. Intelligent (it’s essential for a man to be generally more intelligent than his wife… a woman recently told me that she doesn’t want a man that is smarter than her because if he is, then she can’t control or manipulate him!)
@ FBNF
1. This would fall under God-fearing, I think, as chastity is an important requirement of being a Christian. That is how I handled it with the post on looking for a wife.
2. What you are explaining is subjective, in the sense that it is more that a man needs to be more intelligent than his wife, than just intelligent. Of course, the problem with this is that the distribution curve for intelligence in men is much wider than it is with women. So there is going to be a limit to how many men are more intelligent than women, on average.
DG, But I wanted to see if there was some consensus on the traits to look for before writing a post which showed how to identify them.
Got it. I withdraw my prior comment. Feel free to delete it as desired.
My list of traits would then be:
1. God-fearing.
2. Intelligent.
3. Courageous.
4. Family centric.
5. Justice sensitive.
6. Hard working.
@ mdavid
No worries. Wasn’t clear. And I will keep it until the next post, when we can move it over or delete it.
“Chastity (I realize that most people don’t think that’s important for a man to be, but it really does say a lot about his character, and is attractive –in addition to being desirable–)”
I know it’s a side point, because we’re not talking here about what’s attractive in a man; we’re talking about what a woman should look for in a husband.
But It’s not true that male chastity is generally attractive to most women. It might be true of FBNF, but for most women (including Christian women), it’s not true that they will find a chaste man attractive.
but for most women (including Christian women), it’s not true that they will find a chaste man attractive.
Disagree. My own daughter has called it a potential deal breaker, so FBNF is certainly not alone.
It’s not the chastity that’s the problem. You think Tim Tebow will have any problem finding a bride? Forget him, what about that 19 year old kid that the Duggar daughter is marrying?
It is and always has been an issue of confidence and frame, not lack of chastity. It just so happens that men with more “experience” with women tend to be less afraid and less prone to eager capitulation.
You don’t have to have been sexually active to present that. It’s correlative, but that’s all it is.
Oh, shoot.
Delete that last comment Donal. We’re not supposed to be talking about men.
Please pardon me.
Elspeth:
The fact that a particular woman prizes chastity in a husband does NOT make that trait “attractive” or “sexually desirable” in general to women; or in particular to a woman. The fact that a woman wants something or some characteristic in a man does NOT mean that that characteristic is particularly or unversally “sexually desirable” or “attractive”. It just means she wants her man to have that.
Most women want their men to have jobs. But she isn’t going to tingle at his lunchpail or briefcase or paycheck.
We’re talking here about what women should look for in husbands. Some of the things they should look for are traits that are desirable in a man; but they do not make him sexually desirable.
You’ve fallen into the same pitfall FBNF fell into when discussing this above. You’re confusing and conflating “desirable” and “beta” traits with “attractive/sexually desirable” and “alpha” traits. This is just another reason why so many men are so confused and unclear about what is “attractive” and what is not. Many women will talk about nice guys and kindness and goodness and “he does dishes” as “attractive” when they are NOT. This is where we get fallacies like “utilitarian tingles”.
@ Elspeth
FBNF said she found it chastity attractive, which is different from merely considering lack of chastity a potential deal breaker.
No, it’s not just correlative. It’s absolutely causative. Men gain immense confidence and frame from sexual experience. That’s a simple biological fact and is readily observable.
Once again: It’s common for women to connote “desirable”, “beta” traits like kindness, fidelity, industriousness, affability, and the like as “attractive” traits. First, women genuinely want those traits in a man they will commit to. But, women do not want to be thought of as shallow and superficial for saying they want good looking, sexy, hot men (who are also nice and kind and faithful and hardworking and friendly). So they will say they think chastity is attractive because they don’t want people to think poorly of them.
And finally, it’s my observation that this confusion is common because women only notice those nice, kind, faithful and hardworking men who are also good looking, sexy and hot. So if you are nice, kind, faithful and hardworking, but are not good looking, sexy and hot, you will simply not be noticed.
@ Elspeth
Don’t worry. It is all linked, so its not really off-topic. Really, all of this could and should have been in a single post- I just didn’t do it that way.
In fact, I’d argue that evolution has programmed women to be attracted to confidence precisely because it is an indicator of preselection.
@ deti
To be fair, part of the confusion is due to the terms used here (“attraction” and “desire”).
Personally, I’d prefer to break it down into “lust”, “attraction”, and “preference”. “Lust” refers to direct sexual desire, e.g. arousal, boners, and tingles. Here, “attraction” refers not to sexual attraction but to the mostly nonsexual draw that one feels to a person. Meanwhile “preference” refers to the conscious preferences of the person; this is exemplified by women’s lists.
So for example, I might feel “lust” for a hot slut but she won’t meet my preferences and I won’t much attraction to her (unless she acts pleasant and feminine). On the other hand, I might feel attraction to a modestly dressed innocent virgin, and she might meet my preferences, but I might not feel lust for her. I think the distinction between lust and attraction is the reason for the whole madonna/whore complex.
Personally, for me to have a relationship, the girl would need to meet my preferences and I’d need to feel either lust or attraction towards her (but not necessarily both lust and attraction).
Now when it comes to chastity, it’s clear that it does not invoke lust in women. It’s preferred by some women, but not all. Many secular women prefer experienced men because they want better sex, but some appreciate chaste men. As for religious women, many prefer chaste men, but there are also women who want to wait till marriage so that their husband can use his experience to “teach them how to have sex”; this latter view is very common amongst Muslim women, but I’ve seen it expressed by Christian (Churchian?) women sometimes too. As for attraction, I think it differs from woman to woman (some women feel attraction towards chaste men, while for others there is a visceral feeling that he is a loser virgin), but any attraction towards chaste men tends to be far outweighed by the strong attraction for confident, non-awkward men, and this confidence and lack of awkwardness is strongly determined by the level of sexual experience of a man (and whether a lack of sexual experience was due to chastity or incelness doesn’t matter – the effect on confidence and charisma is largely the same).
Oops, I did it again… (sorry Donal!)
About the chastity/attractive/desirable thing ~ I will put up a post tonight that I had lined up about this. Please reserve thoughts about this for the thread of that post so as not to derail yet abother thread of Donal’s (unless Donal doesn’t care in this instance, that is)
Sir Nemesis:
I think you and I are on the same page; we’re simply using different words to describe the same concepts.
The difference is in the interest being served: A woman’s want for sex; and a woman’s want for security.
Her want for a man with confidence, power, and looks satisfies the “sex” part.
Her want for a man with affability, industriousness, fidelity, and kindness satisfies the “security” part.
Deep Strength has a post up talking about this and various definitions. I’m going to do the same later. This is territory I haven’t explored for a while, so would be good to do so again.
@ SirNemesis, etc.
I wrote this up to define terms. I think it hits most of the points correctly.
@ FBNF:
I’ll try to reserve most of my thoughts for your thread although I probably won’t see it until tomorrow. I would like to address this one thing Deti offered. I can’t let it stand unchallenged, LOL:
Are you honestly insinuating that most men are any different in this regard? Seriously? If my own husband wasn’t a glaring exception (and Chad and Donal hadn’t restored my faith in devout young men) I might have said what I was really thinking and went with ALL men are like that. 😉 .
@ Elspeth
Nah, they’re noticed and valued. But not considered potential spouse prospects. That’s where you have Christian men getting the label that they’re confusing, giving mixed signals, and the like because they care about everyone but aren’t interested in some.
I’ve gotten that look before from some women but what are you going to do? I’m not going to go up to a woman and say well, you’re sweet but I’m not attracted to you. That’ll put her in a position where she’ll probably deny she was attracted too (e.g. lie), and I’m not going to go place a woman in a spot where her first inclination is to sin.
That said, most Christian men AND women will not be willing to step out of their comfort zone to talk and serve others people — I still have to remind myself to do so on many occasions — even if they aren’t interested in them. So it’s a systemic wide failure because people want their needs met rather than look to serve others.
@ Elspeth
I think most men will readily admit that looks are a big deal. It’s not something that most of us are happy about, but we generally acknowledge the reality, and don’t claim that a girl’s niceness (or even chastity) will cause us to want to have sex with her.
@ Deep Strength
Thanks. Will discuss there to avoid muddling up this comment thread.
“Are you honestly insinuating that most men are any different in this regard? Seriously?”
I really don’t know if you’re joking around here, or serious, in suggesting that I am drawing a distinction between men and women.
Elspeth, I am not saying or implying anything other than exactly what I said, which is: The top 20% men get nearly all the play. Women notice the good looking, sexy, hawt men, and ignore the rest (for the most part).
How men respond to the very hottest women and the less hot women and the, well, average women, is a different story. But since you brought it up, I’ll address it though you’ve heard me say it before.
From my observation and experience, any woman at a 4 or above in attractiveness can get pretty much whatever she wants on the spectrum ranging from same night sex to marriage. Now, if it’s very attractive men the average girl wants, she will have to settle for a STR at best.
If she wants marriage, she can get that, but will have to look downmarket. If a woman really wants to get married, if she really puts her mind to it, she can lock down a man of her rough SMV equivalent inside of a year. In other words, a female 6 ought to be able to easily lock down a male 6 or 7 for marriage. Easily. Seen it happen, many, many times. Yes, she will have to compromise. No, she will not get to marry Alpha McGorgeous. She will have to marry Ernie Engineer or Paul Plumber or Tom Teacher. But if it is marriage she wants, she can do that. This is controversial, but I’ll say it — any woman in the United States who is not married is so because she does not want to be married. Period. Full stop.
An average man will be willing to date and have sex with a woman who is a point below him in SMV. If he can do better, he will, but if a male 6 can get a female 5 with little effort, he’ll do that. Men are more attracted to a wider swath of women than women are to men. Thus, a woman has a much better chance of finding a man willing to accept her than a man has of finding a woman willing to accept him. Might a man want a more physically attractive woman? Sure. But he will accept what he can get and will train himself to be happy (or at least content) with it. He knows that he is fortunate to get what he got.
So you are wrong to suggest that men only notice the “hawt” women. We notice them. Sure we do. But we notice the average girls too. And those men marry those average women in droves. And a few years and 20 pounds later, those average women divorce those average men in droves.
Here’s another thing.
I see quite, um, unattractive, unappealing women who seem to be in relationships. I see morbidly obese women with sunken chested, rail thin b-boys pushing strollers behind them.
I see totally busted women with ½ carat diamonds on their left ring fingers.
I see, um, rather homely church girls who get dates on Saturday nights.
I see, well, chubby girls with full dance cards (so to speak).
I see very unattractive, very overweight women with husbands and children.
It looks to me like women are doing just fine in finding husbands. It looks to me like women are garnering plenty of sexual attention.
It’s just that they resent the fact that they had to marry Barney Fife instead of James Bond. It’s just that they wanted George Clooney and got Steve Buscemi. They wanted Denzel and got Urkel.
Sorry. Can’t find it in me to shed tears for them. I just can’t. Not when there are legions upon regiments upon divisions of good Christian men that they cruelly pass over.
I think most men will readily admit that looks are a big deal. It’s not something that most of us are happy about, but we generally acknowledge the reality, and don’t claim that a girl’s niceness (or even chastity) will cause us to want to have sex with her.
Thank you. That’s perfectly fine with me. I have never hidden the fact that I chose my own husband over someone else because he was more handsome and more confident. I have never denied that women have these tendencies as well, more than ever now that so many don’t necessarily need a husband for financial support.
I just tire of Deti claiming that men don’t do the same. I do know that sometimes men marry down a bit from what they could have in terms of attractiveness. That’s I suppose where the submissiveness, chemistry and other intangibles come into play
The issue I think Deti refuses to acknowledge is that things are fairly different now than they were even a decade ago. Most people (men and women) have unrealistic expectations, about themselves, about what they are worth, about what they should be able to have. And those who know they can’t have what they want will go without. Especially men. I’ve heard a couple of young men actually say that.
I know a lot of men who would jump at the chance to marry (or even have a cup of coffee with) an average HB 6. But that 6 wants nothing to do with those men. We all know this is how it is, Elspeth.
I don’t see many women going without. I see a lot of men going without, though — good men, good Christian men, with jobs and cars and apartments and houses and willing to offer themselves up for courtship, dating and marriage.
“I have never hidden the fact that I chose my own husband over someone else because he was more handsome and more confident. I have never denied that women have these tendencies as well, more than ever now that so many don’t necessarily need a husband for financial support.
“I just tire of Deti claiming that men don’t do the same.”
Most men don’t do the same because they can’t. They take what they can get.
“The issue I think Deti refuses to acknowledge is that things are fairly different now than they were even a decade ago. Most people (men and women) have unrealistic expectations, about themselves, about what they are worth, about what they should be able to have. And those who know they can’t have what they want will go without. Especially men. I’ve heard a couple of young men actually say that.”
Oh, I know they’re different. I think women’s expectations are far, far more unrealistic than men’s are. Men nearly always get very realistic very fast about what they can get. Men are shown every day what they’re worth – in sexual acceptance (sometimes) and rejection (more often).
Men figure out very, very quickly where they stand on the sexual market value scale. Very quickly. Women’s views on this get distorted because the playing field is tilted so much in their favor. An HB 5 can lock down a male 9 for a night; a male 6 for marriage. A male 5 will never, ever even get to breathe the same air as an HB 9, much less have sex with her.
tl;dr Expectations.
Reality slaps men in the face everyday. Women tend to be insulated from reality.
There are two issues here.
First, neither men nor women are generally all that attracted to good guy/girl behavior. Men tend to be attracted primarily to looks (and some other aspects such as femininity and vulnerability), while women tend to be attracted to a mixture of looks and dominance. The difference is that men don’t claim to be attracted to good girl behavior, whereas women seem to conflate their desire for good guy traits with attraction.
The second issue is the pickiness of the two sexes, and, while I may be guilty of bias due to “grass is greener on the other side”, I’d argue that women are far pickier in practice than men when it comes to attraction. For average men, I’d say anywhere from 30-70% of women make the cut (depending on the particular man as well as the local obesity rate of women). For women, I’d say it’s something like 10-40% of men, (depending on the particular woman as well as the extent to which local men are feminized).
And I agree with Deep Strength, the primary reason for this difference in pickiness is that men are forced to be the initiators, which causes them to calibrate their tastes and preferences downwards in line with their experiences, whereas women do not have to do this (indeed, being approached by hot guys for sex, they tend to calibrate their tastes and preferences upwards in line with their experiences).
However, a major secondary reason is that men are, biologically, polygynous, whereas women are, biologically, hypergamous.
I want to respond to this, but it will have to wait until I finish my next post. There are some things worth exploring here.
Ok, here’s that post. Feel free to tear it apart, after reading it very carefully.
http://befemininenotfeminist.wordpress.com/2014/09/08/why-chaste-men-are-attractive/
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