Must It Be A Man?

*Both Men and Women Permitted*

Today’s post is a follow up to my most recent Masculine Monday post, found here. Therein I stated the need a man has for a good and honest friend. As part of my argument I explained that this friend needed to be a man. My specific words:

No man can be right all the time. We all make mistakes, we all err (as an aside, they are not the same thing).  So it is essential to have someone in our life who will tell us what we need to hear, even and especially when we don’t want to hear it. Naturally enough, that friend also needs to be a man.

If a man has a wife, she cannot be that honest friend. If she is truly devoted to him and reveres him, then she cannot be unbiased when he is concerned. She won’t be capable of the brutal honesty required. And if she is not devoted to him, and reviles him, well then, her words cannot be trusted there either.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, a female reader objected to this argument. She felt that a wife could fulfill the role of objective imparter of the the truth. And unsurprisingly, I disagree with her. I felt a discussion on that particular subject was worth having, but the previous post was not a proper place for that discussion. Therefore I have created this post instead.

So tell me readers- must that friend be a man? Can it be a woman? A wife specifically, or a woman in general? Feel free to let loose in the comments.

 

Spirit Of The Age

[This post is aimed for men and women, and while it will have an obvious Catholic flair, I believe it will have value for all my readers.]

One of the biggest problems when trying to explain the Truth to someone, whatever that Truth might be, is that sometimes the Truth is incompatible with that person’s mental framework.

What do I mean by “mental framework?” Well, the best explanation I can give is this: it is the set of mental tools and instructions/skills for both viewing the world around us and determining how it works. Essentially, it provides a canvass upon which we can paint reality and thereby interpret it.

How does this relate to my first statement? Simple: sometimes people lack the mental tools and instructions/skills which would allow them to be able to see the Truth, or to perceive that they have strayed from it.

Consider the following proverb: when all you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

The same applies to our mental framework of reality. When all we have is a mental hammer, our mind will only consider nails, and only see solutions that involve the use of nails.

A person caught up in this will not believe themselves to be irrational. In fact, they can appear and act very rational at times. Their explanations can be clear, thoughtful and at times seemingly brilliant. But at the same time they are very, very wrong- and the person has absolutely no idea of this.

What this means is that no matter how carefully your explain the Truth to someone, if that Truth is incompatible with their mental framework, you are wasting your breath. They just won’t get it.

Unfortunately, those who are caught up in the Spirit of the Age- modernism or liberalism or whatever you wish to call it, all suffer from serious defects in their mental framework. They cannot grasp certain core Truths, because their view of how the world works, of how things are and ought to be (there is no separately the two in their mind), simply is incompatible with the Truth. To accept the Truth would require that they reject, either consciously or unconsciously, certain of their core beliefs about how the world works. Naturally enough, this is a terribly uncomfortable demand upon one’s psyche- a demand that most will reject outright. Unless a person is willing to confront the dissonance between what we want things to be, and what the Truth demands them to be, he or she will be blind to just how out of step with the Truth they really are.

I should know- I was one of these people once. Perhaps I still am to a degree- after all, the rot runs deep.

Here is one case in point: Is the Pope a Feminist? And what’s “Wives Submit” mean anyway? Given the length, I won’t quote the whole thing. Instead, I ask my readers do so to help understand my post. [Hat tip: Julian O’Dea]

The author is a self-described Catholic. He claims to be both explaining and upholding traditional, universal Catholic (but I repeat myself) teaching. To be on the same page as the Apostles and the Fathers of the Church.

He is, of course, doing no such thing. Rather, he is fully caught up in the Spirit of the Age. Whatever his intent, he is defending a modernist/liberal interpretation of Scripture and Church teaching. One need only read older Church writings (and not even that old- see Casti Conubii, for example) to see just how “off” the author really is. Anyone with an open mind (that is, a mental framework freed from at least some of the constraints of the Spirit of the Age) who reads the homilies of St. John Chrysostom and then compares it to the piece I linked will be able to see that disconnect, that dissonance. That isn’t merely a cultural shift- they are on completely different pages.

Many Christians (from many different faith traditions) have expressed surprise about how so many other so called Christians find it so easy to bash the Truth and support positions that are in some cases openly heretical. The answer need not be only a dysfunctional mental framework, but by itself would likely suffice. Even those with no ill intent, such as the author here, can be led astray and lead others astray if they are caught up in the Spirit of the Age.

This problem with mental frameworks is why it is so essential for the Faithful to focus on the things of God, rather than the things of the world. The world, with its cultural institutions and modes of thought, aims to confuse us and muck up our mental framework. As a result, we will find it more difficult to turn towards God, as our ability to understand Him and His ways will be hindered. Consider these words of St. Paul:

¹⁸ Let no one deceive himself. If any one among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. ¹⁹ For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their craftiness,” ²⁰ and again, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.” ²¹ So let no one boast of men. For all things are yours, ²² whether Paul or Apol′los or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future, all are yours; ²³ and you are Christ’s; and Christ is God’s.

(1 Corinthians 3:18-23)

The “wisdom of the world” is another way of describing the Spirit of the Age. It seems wise to men, but is folly with God. It confuses us and blinds us. So be wary of it. Accept that the wise people of this world will call you foolish if you follow the ways of God.

I have more to discuss on the subject, but that will require future posts. Here are two quick extensions. First, this same process can be applied to “the Red Pill” and “the Blue Pill.” Those who have defective mental frameworks will have difficulty swallowing the Red Pill, and likely throw it up. Second, thoughts on how one might break free from the trap of a defective or dysfunctional mental framework have given me another metaphor to use, rather than the Red Pill/Blue Pill metaphor, or The Glasses.

An Abundance Of Concern

I would like to clarify something from my previous post: I am not advocating that men adopt an abundance mentality. Least of all Christian men.

Rather, I was trying to explain that there was a similarity between the “Abundance Mentality” and a mindset which doesn’t care about how women view you.

Deep Strength explores much of what is wrong with the Abundance Mentality, at least as it concerns Christians, here.

As a prescriptive matter, I think men need to do a couple of things. Here are just a few:

• Stop caring what women think of you, especially women you might be interested in.
• Look for women who will be a good fit for you.
• Create an atmosphere of command (a concept worth exploring more later)
• Build yourself up- physically, mentally, economically and spiritually

Feel free to disagree or add your own thoughts as you see fit.

What Will She Think Of Me? -Masculine Monday- #9

*Men Only*

My last Masculine Monday post was aimed at helping men in their interactions with women. Specifically, it was all about saying “No” to women. This post continues that trend, and was inspired in part by Dalrock’s most recent post.

One of the most important flaws that a man needs to excise from his mind is the question we are inclined by both nature and culture to ask: What will she think of me?

We need to stop caring what women think of us. We need to stop worrying that the girl we like might get a bad impression about us. We need to let go of our anxiety about what impact our actions will have on the way that women view us.

Letting go of this bad habit will only make our life that much better; including with women. Seriously, I speak from personal experience here. Many of strongest reactions (read, IOIs) I have gotten in my life are from the women I have cared the least about (at least as far as their opinion of me is concerned). A lot of PUAs say pretty much the same thing, at least from my limited understanding of them.

This ties in a bit with what “Game” types call an abundance mentality. I will save the definition for others, but there is a solid connection here. Having an abundance mentality requires a mindset in a man where he can let a woman go without a second thought. That mindset requires in turn that a man not care about what women (specifically that woman) think of him.

So guys, stop asking yourself: “what will she think of me?” when you are trying to decide something. Instead, ask yourself what God will think of you. After all, His is the only opinion that matters.

As always with this series, my readers are encouraged to offer their own thoughts, suggestions and tips on the subject.

You Don’t Own Me

I suspect that a fair number of my readers, or at least, those who are somewhat cognizant of pop culture, might have seen this trailer for Suicide Squad:

The first half of the trailer features a song, originally by Leslie Gore, titled “You Don’t Own Me.” I wasn’t familiar with it before this trailer, but wish I had been. It is a rather impressive piece in that it encapsulates so much of contemporary female thinking and behavior. Here are the full lyrics:

You don’t own me
I’m not just one of your many toys
You don’t own me
Don’t say I can’t go with other boys

And don’t tell me what to do
Don’t tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display ’cause

You don’t own me
Don’t try to change me in any way
You don’t own me
Don’t tie me down ’cause I’d never stay

I don’t tell you what to say
I don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you

I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

And don’t tell me what to do
Oh, don’t tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display

I don’t tell you what to say
Oh, don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you

I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
To live

Perhaps it is just me, but this song touches on a huge number of RP subjects. Heck, it almost seems like a parody of some of the stuff Rollo has covered over the years. Here are just a few subjects covered:

1. “Open” Relationships
2. Men shouldn’t try and change women
3. Young women need to be free to “find themselves”
4. Commitment is on a woman’s terms only

and so on and so forth.

Keep in mind this song dates back to 1964. That is right, over 50 years ago. What we are seeing now in women is nothing new. The difference is the environment- it is far more hospitable to this type of behavior than it was in the past. But the desire was already there; it was always there.

Oh, and is it just me, or does this whole song seem like a fitness test writ large?

Masculine Monday- #8

*Men Only*

Short and simple post today, with a short and simple message to men:

Learn how to say “No” to women.

Seriously, if you have trouble with it now, learn to do it. Your life will become so much better for it.

And, dare I say, so will the lives of most of the women who are part of it.

I might be a bit presumptuous here, but I think most men spend a lot of time trying to get women to say “Yes” to various things. But learning to say “No” to when when necessary can get you just as much. In fact, I would warrant a guess that you saying “No” just might be a factor in her saying “Yes.”

This is easier said than done, of course. We men have an instinctive desire to please women. We don’t like it when when are upset. And of course, we are fearful of being tagged a misogynist or the like.  Couple that with a Western upbringing indoctrination, and most men in the West end up as the ones saying “Yes.”

So perhaps some of my male readers would be kind enough to offer their advice on how they learned to overcome all of that.  Guys, what happened you learn to say “No” to women?

[This post was inspired by Dalrock’s recent examination of how many Christian leaders are fearful of telling the women in their congregation “No” in any way, especially the important ones.]

Random Musings and Links- #8

Been preoccupied lately, and so blogging has slacked. Here are some links and thoughts in the interim.

Deep Strength has had several good posts lately. One is a story about a Real Life Ruth. The second discusses how to approach the topic of attraction with Christians. Principally how to explain the subject to Christian men who are “Blue Pill.”

Ace of Spades returns for two short but important posts. The first deals with when to speak and when not to speak on the internet. The second concerns how a man should act when he no longer trusts his woman.

Mrs. ktc talks about NFP gone horribly wrong.

Zippy talks about Whitewashing and “pastoral mercy.”

Dalrock points out, once again, that divorce is meant to provide Cash and Prizes to women.

Free Northerner discusses “Virtue Signalling.” Not sure I exactly agree with his view, but it is an interesting discussion all the same.

Cane Caldo continues to shred the “Pro-Life” movement.

Now for some random musing…

I was thinking recently about how I would react if someone tried to match me a
“reformed bad girl.” It’s been a while, and I don’t remember how I reacted last time. So I am curious how my readers in a position similar to mine would react. And by react, I mean what would you think/feel, and also what would you say or do in response? Would the person conducting the match-making make a difference in your response?

In addition, I was struck by how easily men will lap up the rather consistent lie that women are “taken advantage of” by unscrupulous men all the time. Why do we soak up this lie so easily? Is this some cultural thing? A genetic component of being a man? I’m curious, because it is so obviously ridiculous when you actually confront the lie. Yet we do it all the time. I am curious what my readers think.

 

 

Reference: Women, Not Men, Are Driving The Delay In Christian Marriage

[This is a reference post, made to be linked to in the future by myself, or anyone else who finds it helpful and convenient. It may be updated over time to include both past and future conduct.]

There is a significant delay right now in the age of first marriage in the US. We are well outside the historical norm, with women now at marrying at roughly 27 and men at 29. As many have pointed out, including myself, this is a disaster with many repercussions. Among them are a huge increase in sexual immorality, an increase in divorce and a drop in the birthrate.

Possible solutions for this problem are outside the context of this post. Instead, the focus is on why this problem developed. Some have accused men of driving the delay in marriage. An example of this can be found in one of Dalrock’s posts, Clearing the Christian marriage-market.  Dalrock correctly points out to one “Pastor Wilson” that it is not men (or at least, not primarily men) who are responsible for this. Rather, it is women who are driving the delay in marriage in the US right now. To quote from that post:

He overlooks the fact that women are very open about their desire to ride the carousel for as long as possible before marriage.  He also clearly doesn’t understand the realities of the sexual marketplace (SMP) and marriage marketplace (MMP).  Young women are the rockstars of the SMP, while young men are near the bottom.  Since young women have the power, they set the terms.  And what women want* is years, if not a decade or more, of sex with a small subset of the most attractive men before settling for a boring loyal dude.  It makes no sense that men would prefer to marry just when their SMP stock is on the rise, and just when the SMP stock of their soon to be bride is rapidly declining.

Now, women need not desire to participate in the carousel, or at least not participate (although they may want to) to delay marriage. They might simply use their twenties for other endeavors. For example, there is the phenomenon of “Good Christian Girls” going on extended mission trips or ministries or the like. Adding up, they can do these for years, and in the process, delay marriage.

If it were men delaying marriage, and not women, then we would see a greater divergence between the median age of men and first marriage, and the median age of women at first marriage. But there is no such divergence. The gap between the two has remained relatively constant over the course of decades. Given that men prefer young women over older women, all else being equal, and given that women prefer men a few years older than themselves, we can determine that this delay is largely attributable to women.

Update 1:

As a matter of clarification, I am speaking about the micro level here. It is individual women choosing to delay marriage, en masse, which is driving this delay. This is not to say that men are not involved in this process. A fair number of men are delaying marriage too- some because they are told to, and others because they don’t need marriage to get their share of female companionship. In addition, fathers play a huge role in this delay of marriage. Many of them are essentially teaching their daughters to act like sons, and encouraging them towards a life path that necessitates marriage. So men are not blameless here.

At the same time, if one wants to fix this problem, and it is a problem, the primary focus needs to be on changing female behavior. Of course, that necessitates that fathers stop giving bad advice to their daughters. But the focus is on female behavior all the same, although covering the penumbra of factors which influence it.

Furthermore, I am not interested in a blame game. Rather, the goal is to identify a problem, and its source.

[ My readers are of course encouraged to offer their own thoughts as well, and any data they have to support it.]

A Fixer-Upper

My previous post discussed why men weren’t obligated to “buy damaged goods.” This post extends that discussion a bit, towards something related yet different. [I should also mention that this post is open to both men and women.] My general argument can be stated as this:

Don’t marry someone with the intention of making them a better person so that they end marriageable.

Otherwise stated:

Neither men nor women should ever marry someone who isn’t marriageable at the time of the wedding, in the hopes that the spouse can be “fixed” and turned into a good spouse.

In other words, don’t marry a “fixer-upper.”

Now, that doesn’t mean that people don’t have flaws that can’t be fixed. Far from it- we are all damaged to some degree or another. But there is damaged, and there is damaged. Some people, for whatever reason, are simply not fit for marriage at a given time. Perhaps they can be in the future. But that is the future, not now.

Whether you are a man or a woman, you shouldn’t marry a fixer-upper- someone who needs some serious work before they are fit for marriage. Especially don’t marry them with the goal of making them fit for marriage. That is not your job (and frankly, it shouldn’t be). To tie in with my last post, it isn’t your obligation to make an honest man or woman out of someone. That is between them and God.

The way I see it, and I might have borrowed this from some commenter in the past, but when you marry someone you should assume you are marrying them at their best, and they won’t get better from there. So if you wouldn’t want to be married to someone as they are when they marry you, don’t marry that person. [Confusing, I know.]

I invite my readers/commenters to leave their own thoughts on the subject.

Masculine Monday- #7

*Men Only*

If you are a young man in the West right now, I don’t envy you. The culture is at best apathetic to your existence, and at worst downright hostile. And if you are a young man who wants to marry in this day and age, well then… you are truly up #$^ creek without a paddle. Lets cut to the chase here. Young women these days are, for the most part, awful.

Their attitudes? Unbearable.

Their behavior? Often unmentionable.

Their desire for marriage? Low.

Their capacity to honor their word? Most non-existent.

And on and on.

Good women who want to marry are few and far between, and their aren’t nearly enough of them to go around. This means that many young men who want to marry will have to choose one of these two options:

1. Refuse to marry because no worthy women are available
2. Lower their standards in order to marry

This is a difficult choice to make, and nothing I can say will make it any less difficult. I sympathize with those going through this. How could I not, as I am going through it myself? As a matter of recommendation I would suggest the first course of action, but I won’t belittle a man who chooses the second.

At the same time, a man who makes that decision shouldn’t ever feel pressured into doing it. Which brings me to the point of this post:

Men, you are never obligated to buy damaged goods.

No matter what someone tells you, no matter how much they encourage or pressure or cajole you, you do not have a duty to make a woman “honest” by marrying her.

It is not now, and it never will be, your job to rescue a woman from her past mistakes.

When you marry someone you are basically intertwining them with pretty much every thread of your life. The consequences can’t be overstated. So you owe it to yourself, not to mention the people who rely on you, to marry well.

If you choose to lower your standards on your own, that’s fine. But don’t let anyone tell you that you have to do it. Or that you are a wicked person if you don’t. This goes especially for Christian men.

Don’t let Churchian leaders try and guilt you into marrying a low value. They don’t have your best interests at heart. They either are beholden to women and serve them, not God, or they merely see you as a janitor whose job is to clean up the trash. If they make you feel unwelcome if you resist, then find a new church.

Don’t let people use words like charity or forgiveness to try and trip you up. Remember, marriage is about building a relationship with another person and God, about bringing children into the world and raising them right, and it is about you and your wife getting to heaven. Marrying poorly will help you in none of these.

So refuse to be steamrolled into marrying poorly. Marriage affects everything about you, including your soul. Marry wisely, and marry under your own direction, not that of others.

¹⁹ My child, keep sound the bloom of your youth,
    and do not give your strength to strangers.
²⁰ Seek a fertile field within the whole plain,
    and sow it with your own seed, trusting in your fine stock.
²¹ So your offspring will prosper,
    and, having confidence in their good descent, will grow great.
²² A prostitute is regarded as spittle,
    and a married woman as a tower of death to her lovers.
²³ A godless wife is given as a portion to a lawless man,
    but a pious wife is given to the man who fears the Lord.
²⁴ A shameless woman constantly acts disgracefully,
    but a modest daughter will even be embarrassed before her husband.
²⁵ A headstrong wife is regarded as a dog,
    but one who has a sense of shame will fear the Lord.
²⁶ A wife honoring her husband will seem wise to all,
    but if she dishonors him in her pride she will be known to all as ungodly.
    Happy is the husband of a good wife;
    for the number of his years will be doubled.
²⁷ A loud-voiced and garrulous wife is like a trumpet sounding the charge,
    and every person like this lives in the anarchy of war.

(Sirach 26:19-27)