Guard Your Strength

I. Introduction

This post has had a interesting history. It started, almost two months ago, as a post about Biblical advice on finding/attracting/taking a wife. Then  it morphed into a post about the qualities that a man should look for in a wife. I wasn’t entirely satisfied with the end result, so I shelved it. Last month I started to modify it so that it was a post about what to look for and what to avoid in women when screening for a wife. But even that didn’t seem right.

Then, over the last few weeks, I read a number of comments in various blog which all said, to some degree or another, that male chastity was of little to no importance. Seeing a number of men, including some self-professed Christians, dismiss the sin of fornication (but only in men) triggered something in me. Inspired, I went back to this post and re-wrote it to respond to those who think chastity is only a female concern. Of course, being me, I had to take the post further than that, and so it encompasses some other related subjects as well.

I should mention that this post is written from a Christian perspective. It will contain a lot of quotes and passages, from both the Old and New Testaments. Non-believers are of course entitled to simply ignore this post. I have organized this post into 5 sections, starting with this introduction. Following that is section two, which directly addresses fornication and chastity in men. Section 3 looks at marriage and section 4 at female chastity and how it relates to male chastity. Finally there is the conclusion.

II. The Destroyers of Kings

The Old and New Testament approach chastity and fornication by men in a different fashion. In fact, one of the more common pieces of “evidence” offered by those who disregard chastity in men is that the Old Testament doesn’t flat out say fornication by men is a sin. Of course, if you actually look at the Pentateuch (or the other parts of the OT), female fornication isn’t explicitly called a sin either. Deuteronomy’s punishment of stoning for a woman who wasn’t a virgin when she married was for instances of fraud (a woman holding herself out as a virgin but she wasn’t), although the clear implication was that her fornication was a sin as well. There are a number of reasons why the OT was silent about fornication per se, and a big one is that it almost always involved prostitution. Outside adultery and a man lying with a virgin, most extra-marital sex centered around prostitutes. The distinction between harlot and whore in OT times was razor thin, “loose” women were usually prostitutes; the modern concept of a “slut” just didn’t exist back then.

As a result of this, what you find in the Old Testament regarding chastity is usually declamations against prostitution. Although some general advice against “loose” and “foreign” women can be found as well. Another major difference is that the OT couches most of its teaching to men in the form of self-interest. Since I will start with the Old Testament, this will be evident quickly. Here are some of the more poignant passages:

14 The mouth of a loose woman is a deep pit;
he with whom the Lord is angry falls into it.

(Proverbs 22:14)

26 My child, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe my ways.
27 For a prostitute is a deep pit;
an adulteress is a narrow well.
28 She lies in wait like a robber
and increases the number of the faithless.

(Proverbs 23:26-28)

Do not give yourself to a woman
so that she gains mastery over your strength.
Do not go to meet a loose woman,
lest you fall into her snares.
Do not associate with a woman singer,
lest you be caught in her intrigues.

Do not give yourself to harlots
lest you lose your inheritance.
Do not look around in the streets of a city,
nor wander about in its deserted sections.
Turn away your eyes from a shapely woman,
and do not look intently at beauty belonging to another;
many have been misled by a woman’s beauty,
and by it passion is kindled like a fire.

(Sirach 9:2-4, 6-8)

Wine and women lead intelligent men astray,
and the man who consorts with prostitutes is reckless.
Decay and worms will take possession of him,
and the reckless person will be snatched away.

(Sirach 19:2-3)

19 My child, keep sound the bloom of your youth,
and do not give your strength to strangers.

(Sirach 26:19)

No, my son! No, son of my womb!
No, son of my vows!
Do not give your strength to women,
your ways to those who destroy kings.

(Proverbs 31:2-3)

Some Old Testament teaching addresses chastity in a different form, focusing on a man’s dignity.

15 Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16 Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for sharing with strangers.

(Proverbs 5:15-17)

After a reading like that, I couldn’t help but think of this:

Leaving that aside, as a bit of information for those having trouble with the last passage, water and water sources often had strong sexual connotations in the Old Testament. I will leave it to my individual readers to actually put the pieces together, of course.

All together, the Old Testament advocates that men avoid harlots and those with whom they could commit fornication (or adultery, for that matter). The appeal to self-interest and a sense of dignity is chosen out of effectiveness, however, not because there isn’t sin involved. The Old Testament is very clear about it being a sin for the men of Israel to associate with foreign women. Since that is largely where promiscuity as we would understand it would have been found, the inference that fornication is a sin is easy to make. Of course, the New Testament makes this inference unnecessary, as it directly deals with this subject:

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

(1 Cor 6:9-10)

13 “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sina person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

(1 Cor 6:13-18)

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

(Heb 13:4)

19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

(Gal 5:19-21)

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 13 God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

(1 Cor 5 9-13)

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

(Eph 5:3-5)

The references to sexual immorality in all of these passages and verses come from the classical Greek word, Porneia. It refers to illicit sexual intercourse, which includes fornication amongst other sins (see here for more). Couple that with the admonitions against the works of the flesh and warnings against sensuality, and it is clear that the New Testament teaches that fornication is a sin that Christian men are to avoid.

Combine the New Testament and Old Testament teachings together, and you can see that men shouldn’t be associating with, much less having intercourse with, loose women or prostitutes. What I find fascinating is the emphasis on a man protecting himself from women. I was only half-joking above by including that clip from Dr. Strangelove. There is some truth to the title of this section, a man can lose his strength, power and dignity to women. Given the stories of “player burnout” being told of certain Pick-Up Artists, it shouldn’t seem far-fetched that promiscuity harms men just as it harms women. With this understanding, we can see that chastity for men isn’t solely about being “a good Christian boy”, but about a man protecting himself from harm.

III. The Blessed Fountain

The previous section contained a lot of Thou Shalt Not’s, but not as much teaching on what should be done. This section will correct that. I don’t think it will come as a surprise to anyone to learn that the intended avenue by which men of the faith can protect themselves and meet their needs is marriage:

18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19     a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
May her breasts satisfy you at all times;
may you be intoxicated always by her love.

(Proverbs 5:18-19)

20 Seek a fertile field within the whole plain,
and sow it with your own seed, trusting in your fine stock.
21 So your offspring will prosper,
and, having confidence in their good descent, will grow great.

(Sirach 26:19-21)

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

(1 Cor 7:1-9)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor

(1 Thess 4:3-4)

Unlike with harlots and whores, a man’s relations with his wife do not drain or weaken him. Whereas loose women will take money and strength from him and give him only fleeting pleasure in return, a man who invests in his wife will be repaid many times over. In fact, scripture tells us that there is nothing of this world more valuable than a good wife:

27 A woman’s beauty lights up a man’s face,
and there is nothing he desires more.
28 If kindness and humility mark her speech,
her husband is more fortunate than other men.
29 He who acquires a wife gets his best possession,
a helper fit for him and a pillar of support.

(Sirach 36:27-29)

19 Children and the building of a city establish one’s name,
but better than either is the one who finds wisdom.
Cattle and orchards make one prosperous;
but a blameless wife is accounted better than either.

23 A friend or companion is always welcome,
but a sensible wife is better than either.

(Sirach 40:19, 23)

10 A good wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

(Proverbs 31:10-12)

Marriage isn’t necessary for a Christian man, of course. Both Jesus and St. Paul tell us that it isn’t necessary to be married in order to walk the hard path. I already quoted from 1 Corinthians 7 before, where Paul explains that a man who can control himself need not marry. As he points out:

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; 33 but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife,

(1 Cor 7:32-33)

If a man can control his passions, and not fall into sexual immorality, then he needn’t marry. Instead he can focus entirely on pleasing the Lord. A wife and family is a distraction from this. Our Savior also talked of how “there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven”. But all of this only applies to those with that level of self-control, of which men there are few. A man without that level of control should marry.

IV. A Well of Your Own

Having covered the importance of male chastity, of avoiding sexual immorality and the value of marriage for men, it is only appropriate that I turn this post towards women. After all, teaching men that they should avoid sexual immorality and should marry is only half the battle, as it were. The matter of what type of woman a man should marry cannot be ignored. Proverbs 31 provides some measure of insight, and other parts of scripture also give some idea. St. Paul, throughout his letters, tells us about the fruits of the Spirit, which are signs to look for in a wife candidate.  Since the overall topic of this post is chastity though, that will be the point of discussion in this section.

Those who are familiar with my blog and my online persona know that I am very particular when it comes to a potential wife candidate. Specifically, I am looking to marry a woman who is a virgin. Not a “born-again virgin”, or a woman on her “second-virginity”. An actual, real, hasn’t “known a man” virgin. Needless to say, this position has garnered a not insubstantial amount of negative responses over the many months that I have been blogging. Much of it has even come from self-identified Christians. Unsurprisingly, the responses from men and women have been very different.

With only one or two exceptions, most of the men who have criticized my position do so from the perspective that I am being unrealistic. They tell me that in the present environment I can’t reasonably hope to find what I am looking for. My usual response is to tell them that I do have a realistic understanding of my “chances.” I have been around this part of the web long enough to learn how things really work; I have taken the Red Pill, put on the Sunglasses. This world of ours is not a Disney fairy tale: there is no happily every after, the Ingenue doesn’t choose the Hero, and good doesn’t always triumph over evil. Trust me, I know how bleak the odds are.

As for how women respond, it ranges from simple condescending shaming to outright hatred. [See here for an example]. As I alluded to earlier, Christian women join in this, and frankly, their responses aren’t much better than those of their secular sisters.  The most common attack is that I am “unforgiving”, followed closely by “I shouldn’t judge women who aren’t virgins.” Of course, as I point out time and time again, it isn’t a matter of forgiveness, because women excluded by my filter haven’t wronged me. And 1 Corinthians (which I quoted in part II) makes it clear that we are to judge our fellow Christians on such matters. Those are easy enough to dismiss. The ones that really get to me though, are the more subtle attacks, the insinuations that it isn’t Christian to consider a woman’s sexual past if she has truly repented, and looking upon me as a lesser and “weaker” man for insisting that any woman I marry be a virgin.

For those Christians holding such views I direct your attention to these verses, which I have already quoted before:

15 Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16 Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for sharing with strangers.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19     a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
May her breasts satisfy you at all times;
may you be intoxicated always by her love.

(Proverbs 5:15-19)

19 My child, keep sound the bloom of your youth,
and do not give your strength to strangers.
20 Seek a fertile field within the whole plain,
and sow it with your own seed, trusting in your fine stock.
21 So your offspring will prosper,
and, having confidence in their good descent, will grow great.

(Sirach 26:19-21)

I highlighted several parts in bold because they are particularly meaningful here. Proverbs especially makes it clear that a man shouldn’t have sexual relations with any woman but his woman, aka- his wife. His attentions should only be directed towards his wife, and hers towards him. There is a clear implication here that a husband and wife should only have, and ever had, relations with each other and no one else. Likewise, Sirach advises a man to seek out a fertile field, which in context here is an untapped land ripe for planting. Translated, a man should not give his strength to (have sex with) strange women (women other than his wife) but instead acquire (marry) an untapped, fertile field (a virgin woman) and sow his seed to produce great stock (have lots of children).

I would be remiss at this point to fail to mention one of Cane Caldo’s great quotes:

Men are like farmers, and place a higher value on rich virgin soil, smooth slopes, easy irrigation, and a decided lack of plow-shattering stones.

What I am looking for is nothing more than what Scripture recommends to me. I have done exactly as Scripture advises me to do: I have guarded my strength, and not given it away to women. To any woman. All I am doing is looking for a woman who has guarded herself accordingly. A man who has guarded his strength, who has kept himself pure, has every right to ask the same of any woman who would be his wife. Not only does he have the right to seek such women, but Scripture says that he should seek out such women.

If that offends anyone, well, too bad. I am not saying that a non-virgin woman can’t or shouldn’t marry, only that she isn’t acceptable to me. There are plenty of other men out there in the world, including Christian men who themselves walked in sin in the past. Seek them out; it shouldn’t be hard, as they are far more common than someone like myself.

Not all Christian men who are in a position similar to mine have to follow this advice. It is a choice that each Christian man who has maintained his strength has to make for himself. If you find it acceptable to marry a non-virgin woman, then that is your right. I add only this: make that choice because it is what you have decided for yourself, not because you have been shamed or guilted into it by others.

V. Conclusion

And so this post comes to its (long overdue) end.

Men are not given a pass by God to engage in fornication or other forms of sexual immorality. Female chastity receives more attention in the Bible, but that doesn’t mean men aren’t held to a high standard themselves. There is now, and has always been, only one appropriate medium for human sexuality, and that is inside marriage.

Yes, marriage is a “bum deal” for men now in the West. The Law and the Culture are hostile to married men, and frankly, so is the Church in many instances. But that doesn’t change how we as Christians are to act. The world has always hated God, and therefore will always hate us as well. Christian men have two choices: take their chances in marriage, or life a celibate life in the model of Paul. More than a few Christian men in these parts have started down that latter path, and I wish them well. For those of us who don’t want to, or can’t, walk that path, then we must try to find the best possible candidate and marry her. We may end up walking that lonely path anyways, if our efforts to find a suitable wife prove fruitless. Either way, we all have a difficult journey ahead of us. But its not like we weren’t warned.

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24 Comments

Filed under Christianity, Courtship, God, Marriage, Men, Red Pill, Sex, Sin, Temptation, Women

24 responses to “Guard Your Strength

  1. Short side note that isn’t really relevant in the main post: I used the internet to help guide my search for many of these passages, and I was surprised by how many websites there are out there which claim that fornication and extra-marital sex are not sins for Christians. I was expecting some, but not nearly as many as I found. They have forgotten the words of the prophet:

    Woe to those who call evil good
    and good evil,
    who put darkness for light
    and light for darkness,
    who put bitter for sweet
    and sweet for bitter!

  2. Solid post. Don’t give in or back down. I pray for you and the other men I care for regularly; almost daily. We’re all in a hard place

    [DG: Indeed we are. And thanks.]

    I’ll admit, while I have a past that makes me more lenient towards the ‘repentance’ side…. The longer I practice a hard life of true chastity, mortification, and go through courtships…. The more I think I’ll be expecting from a future wife should she need that forgiveness. I’ll have been chaste longer (barring any falls) and simply be older.

    Anyways, just saying that even as a fallen and repentant man I get your stance and support you. I really don’t understand any man who doesn’t.

    [DG: Like I said, very few had a problem with it.]

  3. BD

    What a joy to see what I think about (and know to be true) actually transformed into words.

    It’s a relief to read this and know I’m not alone in the world.

    It’s all-the-way-biblically or die a virgin. End of story,

  4. lozozlo

    If a man can control his passions, and not fall into sexual immorality, then he needn’t marry. Instead he can focus entirely on pleasing the Lord. A wife and family is a distraction from this.

    Good post, although I don’t think you properly understand the verses you are referencing here.

    It is true a man needn’t marry (heck I’m MGTOW) but the verse’s actual meaning is different from the common mistake that you are making here.

  5. @lozozlo

    Assuming that interpretation is correct, it doesn’t really change the overall implications of that passage. Towards the end Paul makes it clear that marriage is the means by which most people should control their sexual passions. If anything, that interpretation only strengthens the argument against abstaining from sex in marriage.

  6. jack

    With regard to women with a past, I am more interested in judging their attitude about their past actions than I am the presence of those actions.

    Now, I would prefer a virgin as well, but there are more than a few virgin women who are far haughtier than their less discreet sisters, and who would probably be a frigid nightmare in the sack.

    Given only the choice between the two, I’d pick a woman with a FEW guys in her past over a strict virgin who was still single only because she spent 15 years being a picky little snot.

  7. @ BD

    Thank you for your kind words. Once I was done with this post, I realized that it had been one that I had needed to write for a long time but never got around to.

    Its a long, difficult road ahead for those of us who follow God’s commands. But its the only safe road to take.

  8. Congrats on the post and holding fast to your position.

    I’d note that in biblical times, when marriage was the rule instead of the exception, and getting pregnant out of wedlock was a death sentence, even the concept of what we call “slutting around” didn’t even exist for the children of Israel and their ancestors.

    Certainly there were other cultures and nations which practiced random couplings, and when they filled the cup of the Lord’s wrath, He emptied it on them. This is what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah –

    just as qSodom and Gomorrah and rthe surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and spursued unnatural desire serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire.
    Jude 7

  9. sandy

    Donal, your choice is wise. The things I hear from girls’ mouths when males aren’t around. Ugh. And I know they are holding back when I’m around. I think I make it awkward for them… not intentionally, but they know I’m a virgin. Oh and the married women! Don’t get me started……do their husbands know that stuff too?? Or is it “none of their business”? It’s scary.

  10. Augustina

    You are only asking of a woman what you are asking of yourself. I think the ‘Christian’ women who have a problem with this are trying to rationalize their own guilt. The ‘you shouldn’t judge’ line is a huge tell. For some it is the only commandment. For too many, Christianity has become do as you please, Jesus loves sinners, all is forgiven except judging people, and when we die we all go to heaven to see our grandmas. This view of Christianity is largely why we’re in the mess we’re in today.

    I admire your willingness to live out your Christian faith.

  11. @ ANO

    It is easy for many Christians, especially those whose knowledge of the Old Testament is weak, to forget why it was the Caananites were destroyed at God’s command. They engaged in the worst of evils, from killing their infants to depraved sexual immorality. There is an important lesson to be learned there for all of us.

  12. @ Sandy

    I’ve heard some pretty frightening things myself, even when women know that I’m around. I can only imagine what they say when I’m not…

    Yeah, married women are often not any better, if not worse. In fact, I seem to recall the Book of Sirach advising a father to keep his daughter away from other, married women. Something along the lines that a woman’s wickedness comes from other women…

  13. @ Augustina

    For some it is the only commandment.

    Yes, it does seem to be the core commandment of Churchianity. That, plus absolute forgiveness of any past wrong and to never consider it or think of it ever again. Unless, of course, it is committed by a man.

    And thank you.

  14. Mrs. KTC

    There are Christain sites claiming fornication is not a sin?! I shouldn’t be surprised- but I am. I enjoyed this post a great deal. The Scripture passages were powerful and gave such clarity to your position.

  15. @ Mrs. KTC

    Yes, there are sites out there. I won’t link them, but it won’t take you long to find them if you start searching.

    I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Even after the research was done it took me a long time to write it, the subject matter was hard to put in words. Part of me wonders if I should have broken it into three smaller posts.

  16. Mrs. KTC

    Oh, I don’t want to see them. I’ll take you word for it.

    I liked reading it in one sitting. It was encouraging to read a case for chasity. It certainly is of great importance! Part III was most pertinent for me. I was familiar with the scripture you sited, but the jaxtposition of your points brought about a rich image of what a wife can be- should be. That hit me. It acted as an examination of conscience. Of course, Part IV made me realize how blessed my husband and I were to find each other when we did. The conclusion inspired me to pray. So, yes, I think one long post worked well.

  17. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2014/02/12 | Free Northerner

  18. Ray

    In other words, live in a plastic bubble. Too many rules.

  19. Yup Ray, rules are hard.

    It is your choice whether or not to live by these rules. Just be prepared to pay the price for your choices.

  20. Ray

    “Yup Ray, rules are hard. ”

    You didn’t get it. No surprise there.

  21. Well Ray, given how little you actually communicated in your first comment, its good you aren’t surprised. It shows at least some self-awareness, which most folks in the internet seem to lack these days.

  22. Ray

    Reread it again and you just may get it.

  23. When your surrounding environment is polluted, a plastic bubble is a good place to be in.

    And Ray – I can sense your smug arrogance even from here.

  24. Brent

    A point on the warning that Solomon gives concerning harlots…

    He was a king. I don’t think women were any different than they are now when it comes to hypergamy and attraction. Prostitution is very transactional, and it doesn’t need any marketing to flourish. Just some skillful packaging, so to say.

    There were lust and passion, and these result illicit affairs with the female partakers not always being prostitutes. David and Bathsheba serve as one example–albeit David was the aggressor here. Delilah, however used seductive powers to control Samson. She was not a prostitute in the tradtional sense.

    The entire chapter of Proverbs 5 and half of Proverbs 6 is to provide the means to resist feminine seduction.

    “For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil… (Proverbs 5:4)”

    “23 For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, 24 to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes; 26 for the price of a prostitute is only a loaf of bread, but a married woman hunts down a precious life.” (Proverbs 6)

    They both begin with “my son”, which means the original intended audience was royalty…something hypergamy appreciates. In other words, the smooth advances of beautiful women are not something most men have to endure.

    However, righteous men amongst the elite will certainly have to endure such temptation. In many cases, the most dangerous of these women will be married, not prostitutes.

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