A number of weeks back a reader of mine sent me an e-mail, asking if he knew of any blog posts that addressed the following two, related questions:
How can a man become a deeply committed Christian and not then become the epitome of all that a woman despises?
Is ‘Alpha’ and ‘Christian male’ a dichotomy?
I let him know that I would try and answer these questions, although it has taken me far longer than I originally intended.
Let me begin by answering his question: Yes. It is possible to be what van Rooinek once called “the Righteous Alpha.” This post will provide a brief idea on how that is possible.
One note: what is commonly known as “Alpha” in the manosphere can be usually translated as “attractive.” So an Alpha Male is a man who is considered attractive, even highly attractive, to women. The “Righteous Alpha” is a God-fearing man who is attractive to women, and thus in a position to hopefully marry a good Christian woman. Personally, I don’t like “Alpha” and “Beta” as they are used in the manosphere, and try to avoid using them whenever possible. So from now on don’t expect to see Alpha or Beta show up very often.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
In my post Are Women Attracted to Evil? I explained that attraction is amoral; women are attracted to certain key features of men, namely Looks, Athleticism, Money, Power and Status, irrespective of any moral context. I wrote that post to address whether women were attracted to Evil (shocker, I know!), and arrived at the conclusion they aren’t. Attraction, like hypergamy, doesn’t really care about Good and Evil. Of course, how a woman reacts to that attraction does reflect moral choices. That post focused mainly on attraction and Evil, and only tangentially addressed how attraction relates to Good. Here are a few quick primers on that interaction before I go into depth:
The Good- Being a devout, God-fearing Christian man does not mean that you will be inherently unattractive to women.
The Bad- Unfortunately, being a devout Christian, God-fearing Christian man won’t make you attractive to women either.
The Ugly- A lot of what Christian men are taught in how to act and behave does make them unattractive to women.
As far as the Good and the Bad go, your faith is a wash (with one possible exception, mentioned later). It won’t help or hurt in and of itself when it comes to attraction. Now, I need to make an important explanation here: Attraction is not the same thing as Desirability. As I explained in Attraction versus Desire:
Attraction is a matter of biology, we don’t have much, if any, control over what we find attractive. It really boils down to sex appeal in the end. Desirability is another matter, however. What we desire is based on conscious as well as unconscious preferences for behaviors and characteristics in a mate.
A Christian woman looking for a devout Christian man will find your faith desirable… but only if she finds you to be attractive first. Attraction is the key hurdle to overcome; once you have made your way there the hard part is mostly done with.
As for the Ugly, it encompasses a lot of the behaviors and characteristics that so many Christian men are taught from a young age. The biggest problem lies in many men being taught to be nice, as nice is a sure-fire turn-off for women.
The rest of this post will try and briefly explain how you can build your attractiveness while still being a deeply committed Christian. My response will be divided into three sections. The first covers general rules of attraction outside of any religious context. The second covers how some of what passes as Christian teaching about women is wrong, and how to correct its mistakes. The third and final section covers how you might be able to use your involvement in your church, and your faith, to your advantage in generating attraction. None of them is going to be especially long or detailed, as each could take up its own post.
I. Universal Rules
The basic criteria that women use to judge the attractiveness of a man are universal. All women judge by them, although each woman might (unconsciously) rate the different attributes higher or lower in importance. They fall into three general categories: Appearance, Personality, and Externalities. The sub-categories, which are specific enough to provide working guidelines, are Looks, Athleticism, Money, Power and Status, also known as LAMPS:
Looks- This includes physical attractiveness, such as facial symmetry and strong masculine features in a man’s face.
Athleticism– Here we have the overall physical attributes of a man. His strength, muscle tone, endurance, dexterity and general athletic ability.
Power– This subcategory is a short-hand for Masculine Power, or Masculinity. Aspects of a man’s personality such as confidence, assertiveness, self-mastery, dominance, a commanding presence, poise and posture would fall under the Power sub-category. These are often known as “Alpha Male Traits.”
Money– This sub-category includes a measurement of both the amount of resources that a man can call upon in the present, as well as what he might be able to make or create in the future. However, it takes a LOT of money for it to really affect attractiveness.
Status– This sub-category includes the social position of the man and is principally based on where he is on the social ladder. Any authority that a man can exercise in the community based on his position would fall under Status.
In terms of importance, from greatest to least, they are: Power, Status, Athleticism, Looks, Money.
From this point on, I’m going to offer a proscriptive analysis, using a generic Christian male as the recipient of my advice, otherwise known as “you.”
If you can increase these attributes it should translate to greater attractiveness in the eyes of all women (some more than others). The advantage of this framework is that shows a man how to build attraction outside of the context of faith. For a man who was raised in a Churchian background, this is important, as he can make strides in boosting his LAMPS values while he is still unlearning Churchian behaviors. Of course, how much you can improve each “vector” or category of attributes is different:
Looks- This set of attributes is the one that you have least control over. Most of it is determined by genetics. What little control you do have comes from dieting. Or, if you are willing to take the risk, surgery. Eating healthy makes a difference here, as it can affect your hair and skin. Fortunately, this is not an important attribute. The right clothing might help emphasize your more positive features in this category.
Athleticism- Barring significant health issues, you should have a lot of control over this. Healthy eating plays a role here as well, and is critical for controlling your weight. If you haven’t gone Paleo, or some version of it, start looking it up now. It works. Start working out, if you aren’t already. If you are doing cardio, start lifting weights. The health benefits are great, it boosts your confidence, and it dramatically increases your value here. While women might have individual preferences in the type of build a man might have, the general rule of thumb is that the more muscles, the better. This is the easiest and first area where you can begin to make a difference in your attractiveness. Start here.
Money- It takes a lot of money for this vector to be meaningful, so you probably won’t be able to rely on it. And improving it takes time and effort, and a lot of both. Fortunately, it is also the weakest vector by far. Now, if you actually are rich, or make a lot of money (or both), then don’t hide this. This may seem superficial, but it does attract women despite what many say. Don’t worry about gold-diggers for now, filtering comes later.
Power- This most important set of attributes is the one you will need to work on the longest. Increasing your Power means changing your personality, and how you behave. Needless to say, this takes time and discipline. I can’t explain it fully in a single post, much less a single paragraph. What I can tell you is that you need to become and make it clear that you are confident. You need to be assertive in everyday life, especially around women. I will talk more about this below.
Status- There are several ways to improve this attribute. The first is to take leadership roles, wherever they might be. Authority is an important part of Status, and the more authority you wield, the better. Climbing the ladder in any hierarchy is probably going to help you; women are attracted to the guy at the top, not the bottom. The higher up the food chain, the higher your Status, and the more attractive you become. Now, Status is highly contextual, so be aware that it only helps you if women know or are familiar with it. A highly respected job will help your Status, as will being respected in the community. So community outreach, or engaging in local politics, or anything that gets your name and face in the paper and on television will help you out. Needless to say, that is easier to do in a smaller community.
Those are some quick suggestions on what you can do to improve your LAMPS values. Now, these are only starting points. A real transformation is probably the work of years, although you can make a serious difference in only a few months if you put in the time and effort.
II. Everything You Know is Wrong
A lot of men show up in these parts wondering why they can’t seem to get a date. They are frustrated because their Christian faith is not only not helping them with Christian women, it seems to be hurting them. The reason for their frustration is because many churches (along with parents and the general community) are teaching men to be unattractive. The good news is that it isn’t Christianity that is the reason for this, but instead various accoutrements that are attached to Christian doctrine/teaching but are treated as if they are a part of the faith. I will quickly explain some of the behaviors/attitudes to avoid, and why.
Be Nice: Women are not attracted to nice. Not in the slightest. Whatever your parents told you, whatever the leaders at your church told you, it isn’t true. Nice repels women. While consciously they may like it, their unconscious minds regard nice as weak and servile. It is not the kind of behavior a dominant male will engage in. In other words, unattractive behavior. The lesson here is don’t be nice. This may seem counter-intuitive at first, but trust me, its true. Some quick tips:
– Don’t apologize incessantly. Do it once, if you truly need to. Make it quick and to the point. NEVER GROVEL.
– Don’t let women always go first. If it is your turn, just go ahead.
– Don’t do favors for women who have never done a favor for you. This is a quick path to being seen as a pack-mule, and nothing more.
Be Sensitive: Women are not looking for a sensitive, caring “touchy-feely” kind of man. They want to be able to cry on your shoulder, they do not want you to cry on theirs on a regular basis. You can show emotion, just don’t emote like a woman. In front of women you need to be strong, resilient, unflappable. You can show strong, and especially vulnerable, emotions to a woman after you are already attractive in her eyes.
“Get in touch with your Feminine Side”: You may hear occasionally that men should get in touch with their feminine side. This is possibly the worst advice ever when it comes to being attractive as a man. First off, men don’t have a “feminine side.” Anyone saying otherwise is preaching New-Age garbage. Second off, any attempt to “embrace” your feminine side means casting away the very masculine behaviors which make you attractive to women. Listen guys, if you think you have a feminine side, you need to follow the immortal words of Zippy:
Every man should go deep within himself and get in touch with his feminine side. Then he should strangle the bitch.
Ask women what they want: Most of the time, women don’t know what they want. Even if they say something, they may not mean it. The turth is that they actually expect you to know what they want. In other words, they want you to Just Get It. You can solicit thoughts and suggestions from a woman, but never be as direct as to actually ask her what she wants. Your best bet is to simply act and keep moving forward. If she complains, don’t apologize. If necessary, simply leave or take the gift back or whatever and don’t mention it again. But don’t succumb to any pressure to go somewhere else or get her something else. If she doesn’t like something you did for her, that’s her problem, not yours.
There is more to it than this, of course. The key thing to carry away from this section is that most of the relationship or dating advice that is given out these days is rubbish. Assuming you had anything near a mainstream “education” in such matters, you would do well to question everything you’ve ever learned. If you have any doubts or uncertainties, posts like this are the perfect opportunity to get answers.
III. Be Not Afraid
26 “So have no fear of them; for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, and nothing secret that will not become known. 27 What I say to you in the dark, tell in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim from the housetops. 28 Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 And even the hairs of your head are all counted. 31 So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.
As Christians, we are reminded that we should not fear anything, save the Lord. We should be fearless in all we say and all we do. Once you start to truly take this to heart, it will change your life; fear is one of life’s greatest handicaps. Learning to control your fears provides one of the most liberating feelings possible. Embracing a life and spirit of fearlessness will aid you in all your endeavors, including your interactions with women.
Women are very much attuned to sensing fear in a man. And the aroma of fear is perhaps the most disturbing of all odors to women. Few things are as likely to repel them as much as a man who cannot control his fear. Not so much because the fear itself is unattractive, but because it is often accompanied by hesitancy, uncertainty and paralysis. But the flip side is also true: women are drawn to the strength of will and confidence that a courageous man displays. In fact, there are few displays of confidence as powerful as that of a man without fear. Your fearlessness, when fully developed, is something that should give you an advantage non-Christian men will have trouble matching. If they do not fear death, it is only because they have nothing to lose. But you, you don’t fear death because you have everything to gain. So don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid of being turned down. Don’t be afraid of women not showing interest. Don’t be afraid of disagreeing with them, or pointing out their errors. Just don’t be afraid.
Consider taking on a leadership position in your church, if you haven’t already. There are several reasons for this. To begin with, this is a chance for you to hopefully grow in your faith, as well as to serve the Lord and others. Also, it is a chance for personal growth, as the responsibility of leadership often serves as a crucible. Learning to exercise authority effectively is a major component of developing yourself as a man. Lastly, as I indicated earlier, Status matters to women. A leadership position in any organization provides some measure of status and as a result women tend find men in leadership positions to be more attractive than those who are not. Unless real fame is involved, it is mostly situation status. But if you take a leadership role in church, the women of your church will know, and it will affect their judgement of you accordingly. So this is a win-win all around: serve God, build yourself up, and become more attractive.
[I never thought to mention this until someone pointed it out, but don’t become a leader just so you can pick up the ladies. I trust that this message is unnecessary for my readers, but still, it bears mentioning.]
[I have a few other, unfinished ideas that I was originally going to include here. They aren’t fully fleshed out, so I am leaving this spot open so that I can introduce them here later. When that will happen I can’t be certain.]
To answer the fundamental question of my reader one last time: Yes, it is possible be a committed Christian and still be attractive to women. It is not an easy task in this day and age, but it is possible. You won’t be able to call on all of the tools that a pickup artist can rely upon, so you will have to dedicate yourself to working harder and smarter than them. Fortunately, unlike the PUAs, you don’t need to continuously worry about finding woman after woman; you need only find one good woman.
With luck, this post can serve as a starting point for Christian men who have asked the same question my reader did, and wondered about the answer. I hope to follow this post up with others in the future, expanding on some of the points and ideas raised, and adding new ones to the mix. Anyone who is curious about what I meant, or has follow up questions, feel free to post in the comments below. I will try and answer your questions in a speedy manner.