[This has proven to be the most difficult post yet for me to write. It started as a series of smaller posts that I have merged into a single, larger one in the hope that it will be more approachable and easier to follow. My non-Christian readers will likely find it of little value, because it is entirely religious in nature.]
The Delusion
Life isn’t fair.
For most of us, this is something we are “taught” while we are young. On a surface level, we know it to be true. But deep down inside, I think that many of us still harbor a belief that life is fair. That everything will turn out alright in the end.
Why?
Because we live in a wish fulfillment culture. A culture that says that dreams do come true. A culture that tells us, from an early age, that we can have our cake and eat it too.
How so? Think of all the life scripts that we hear about. Here is one:
Study hard in school, especially high school, so that you can get into a good college. Once you are in college, study hard some more so that you graduate with good grades. Then maybe you can get a job right away, or perhaps go to graduate school for an even more impressive degree. Perhaps during grad school if you go, or more likely a few years into the work force after graduating, you find a mate of roughly equivalent SMV whom you marry. Then you have two to three kids, live in a three to four bedroom house with two and a half baths, and get involved in the community in some minor way, such as PTA or the Rotary Club. Eventually the kids all grow up and follow the same pattern as you, giving you the freedom to take those trips that you couldn’t beforehand. Then the grand-kids show up, you retire and get the chance to enjoy life.
This kind of life script is peddled to many of us from an early age. And it is far from unique. There are others longer, and others shorter. Except for those coming from the most disadvantaged backgrounds, we all get something like this. It never occurs to us to think that maybe, just maybe, it won’t happen. That something will come along and interrupt it. We have a plan for our life that we are going to live… because that is just how things work. Right?
How are these life scripts anything but wishes and dreams which provide a façade of being grounded in reality? Consciously we may not think this, but our unconscious or sub-conscious selves do appreciate them for what they are. And these messages are everywhere. Television, books, movies, magazines… all these sources spout them. We hear them at home, at school and at church. Unless parents make a concerted effort to isolate their children from all aspects of mainstream culture, this message will seep through.
And the central, and hidden, subtext of these messages is that life is fair. That hard work always pays off. That those who deserve to win always do.
I know that many around these parts like to condemn the “entitlement culture” which seems especially prevalent in some circles, especially female ones. But I think that the rot which infects our culture runs much deeper than that. It is my belief that we, in our pride, our wealth and our security, have lost sight as a people of the fundamental truth that life isn’t fair.
Not all among us are so deluded. Reality has a way of cruelly teaching us otherwise. But even still, most of us are insulated from the kind of experiences which would impart that kind of lesson. Christians, despite numerous passages in Scripture indicating otherwise, are not immune to this disease.
And I am no exception.
God as a Matchmaker
Recently it has been bothering me whenever I see or hear someone say something along the lines of “I’m sure God has someone special set aside for you.” It was not always so; I have been the recipient of such statements before and will admit that for a while they were actually a comfort to me. But as time passed I grew uneasy with such statements, and wasn’t quite sure why.
Initially I thought that my unease was because such statements seemed awfully close to the idea of a “soul-mate.” As has been pointed out many times before on this blog and others, there is no such thing. Yet such sentiments are far from unheard of in some Christian circles. But after careful thought I understood that wasn’t the reason for my distrust of such statements.
Then I wondered if it didn’t make sense in light of free will. After all, couldn’t that “someone special” decide that they weren’t interested? The only way such a scheme could work would be if God knew what choices that person would make beforehand. That is hardly beyond God’s power, of course. Yet I had trouble with the idea of God taking on the role of Yenta. But that wasn’t what was troubling me either.
It was only while I was re-reading the Gospel of Luke recently that I realized the problem with those statements is that they evinced a hidden sentiment: that a special someone had to be out there for me because I deserved it. And the thing was, I believed this too. You see, because I was a good person, someone who always did the right thing, God was sure to reward me for all my good deeds. As I read the following passage I understand just how wrong I was:
7 “Will any one of you who has a servant[c] plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? 8 Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly,[d] and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? 9 Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? 10 So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants;[e] we have only done what was our duty.’”
I am an unworthy servant. All I’ve done is perform my duty. Nothing more. In my mind I had turned God into some kind of cosmic Santa Claus; someone who would reward me for all of my good deeds. But there is nothing special about what I have done. All I was doing was what I was obligated to do all along. If that places me above many others, it only means that I fail less often. Hardly something worthy of distinction.
Now, Scripture does teach us that we will be rewarded for our actions… in Heaven. Not on Earth. Ostensibly I knew this, or at least, pretended like I knew it. But deep down inside I must admit that part of me believed that I would receive earthly rewards as well.
An Unpaid Debt
As I reflected on these misunderstandings, I realized to my great shame that my errors were even greater than at first glance. It wasn’t simply that I believed God was going to reward me for being a “good boy,” I believed that God owed me for being a “good boy.” In effect I was telling God:
See what carrying out your Will has cost me? Now you owe me for all of that.
Oh, I wasn’t thinking that out loud. But it was etched into my heart. Motivated by my earlier epiphany, I looked back through all of the Gospels until I found this passage from Matthew:
23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.[g] 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.[h] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant[i] fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,[j] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,[k] until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
At that time a talent was worth something like 19 or 20 years’ worth of wages. Which means that the King forgave a servant who owed him close to 200, 000 years’ worth of wages. Translated into today’s money, that total amounts to billions of US dollars of debt. In short, a debt which the servant could never hope to repay.
Most who read this passage understand that we are the principal servant (with the great debt), and that our fellow men and women are the second servant (who owes roughly 100 days’ worth of wages). And they correctly interpret that this passage is about the importance of forgiving one another, for unless we forgive one another we won’t be forgiven by our Master in turn. But we often overlook that initial debt which we all owe to God: 10,000 talents. A debt that we can never hope to repay.
Which makes the problem with my mindset becomes obvious: God doesn’t owe me anything. I am the one who owes God, and my debt is one that I can never hope to repay.
Or rather, my debt was one that I could never hope to repay. Because it has already been paid in full.
Despite this unwarranted generosity, I still have inwardly acted as though it was God who owed me. Once I understood the depths of my error, I sat down and tried to discern how it was that I was led astray. In time, I realized that I lacked a spirit of sacrifice.
Take Up Your Cross
This discovery was one that I made on my own, but its significance was not something that I fully appreciated until I read this comment by Sunshine Mary:
…I had two choices at the end of my first date with my husband: put out or no second date. He didn’t directly say so, but it was understood. So I put out. I wanted to anyway, so it wasn’t like it was some traumatizing thing. But the fact that I wanted to was in conjunction to the fact that I had to do so if I wanted to continue seeing him. Understand?
So, I willingly became his concubine, like 80% of other women do with their men. And I (and they) enjoyed it, but I was very much wanting his commitment, too. My choices, again, were this:
– Put out immediately. Continue to see him. Have a slim hope that he will put a ring on it.
– Do not put out. Do not see him again. Have no hope that he will put a ring on it.
(Reminder: I was a lapsed Christian and he was an atheist, so two sexually-active Christians *might* have a slightly different script, but it will probably only be a matter of how long they wait to jump in bed together).
The right choice would have been the second one: do not put out, do not see him again, do not get a ring.
But…and here is where it gets tricky…suppose I had done that? Suppose I had continued doing that? I’d be 44 and single. I would also be righteous and blessed by God…but I’d probably have no husband. As it stands, I was unrighteous and I got the prize. I have a man who committed to me.
I included most of her comment to provide context, but the part in bold is what matters. What Sunshine Mary expresses here is an admission that she might have been confronted with a scenario that placed righteousness on one side, and getting what she wanted on the other. More than that, I think that her comment betrays fear on her part. A fear that she would have been required to sacrifice something of great value to her (a chance for a husband) in order to serve God and keep His commands. I mention this not to excoriate her, but to provide an object lesson in how we all fear making sacrifices in order to serve God. This is a failing that I am just as guilty of as she.
While I never placed the idea of marriage ahead of serving God (I’ve always though that the former would be part of my efforts towards the latter), I never considered, much less acknowledged, the possibility that I might have to choose between the two. I can no longer put off that confrontation, but must instead face it head on. Because now I cannot help but conclude that my efforts to get what I want, a chaste Christian bride, would be bolstered if I were to engage in sin. Not only do women not have the qualms that men do in terms of marrying an unchaste spouse, but pre-selection means that they actually find previously unchaste men more attractive (although not necessarily undesirable). And even that last part is debatable, because I cannot say I’ve ever met a Christian woman who has insisted that she would only marry a chaste Christian man. In addition, the experiences gained from sleeping with other women would improve my skills at handling the other sex, not to mention boost my confidence. Furthermore, just as Sunshine Mary’s strategy can work for women, a male strategy of sleeping with other women to marry the chaste Christian girl you want works too.
To say that this process has been difficult for me would be something of an understatement. But it shouldn’t have been. Its not like there is a dearth of scripture to remind Christians that sacrifice is necessary:
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.
No, not in the slightest:
25 Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. 27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.
As I said earlier, I lacked a spirit of sacrifice. I suspect that the reason why is because I have never had to make any serious kind of sacrifice before as a result of my faith. It has caused me some minor inconveniences, yes. And has limited my circle of friends noticeably. But nothing truly life impacting. Because I have never really had to suffer for my faith, I have been able to maintain (at least until recently) that delusion I spoke of earlier: that life is fair. No longer.
The delusion has been shattered in my mind. I am finally starting to accept that my life may not go according to plan. That I might have to sacrifice what I want in order to follow the Lord. That I might not be able to have my cake, and eat it too.
This acceptance does not come easily. I will not lie, part of me is refusing to go along. My hamster has been spinning furiously on his wheel, trying to convince me that it won’t really come to that. You know, that. A lifetime of celibacy: no wife, no children, decades of loneliness. In a way the rodent is admirable. He is pulling out all the stops to keep the dream alive, to preserve a spark of hope.
But it is a false hope, because it is not grounded in God. No, I will put my trust in the Lord. That trust may not gain me anything in this world. In fact, it may cost me everything I want and care for. It is a reality that I will continue to struggle with. But what I lose in this world, I will gain in the next:
28 Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, in the new world,[a] when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold[b] and will inherit eternal life.
There is nothing more to do at this point other than to take up my cross. I have everything to lose, and yet, everything to gain.
Update: David Taylor II has written an excellent companion piece to this post, titled Life: Is it Fair or Not? I highly recommend it.
Donal Graeme 
I realized that myself, some time ago. I had been fighting against it, trying to find a way to avoid it, but I finally came to accept it. You will find fewer things more painful. We must do our duty, and that is a burden to which nothing can compare. Carry it well, Donal.
The Shadowed Knight
@donalgraeme:
“I am finally starting to accept that my life may not go according to plan.”
The best laid plans of mice and men… doesn’t count for much.
‘Life’s Not Fair’ is the motto I was raised by. It’s my go to thought that stops me in my “Surely I deserve…” tracks.
Good on you for having the courage to be willing to pay the price.
That said, I pray God will ease your burden at this time of sorrow… and may He bless you abundantly with His peace and joy.
Well I reckon that life script you wrote did play out that way for enough boomers to give generation X a living example. However, the boomers used up all the soical capital previous generations built up. There was a small amount social capital left to make the script work for some X’ers, but sadly none left for the millennial generation.
I came to a similar theological concussion as you on the same topic. However it now extends to a whole list of things, chief among them is how God answers prayers. Oddly enough, I believe at similar age range as well.
I’m not a sympathetic man by nature, but I can sympathizers with men like you two. You can also do the mail order bride thing, which has worked well for a number of men I know, and is certainly no more risky then marrying an amercian chick.
May the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth pour his blessing on you two like rain
Good post. The key in life to remember is to not lament on what you don’t have, but praise God for what you do have, for He is not a man that owes us anything. It is better to be able to say and do in your heart what Job said and did than to think we should receive anything from His hand.
The best laid plans of mice and men… doesn’t count for much.
‘Life’s Not Fair’ is the motto I was raised by. It’s my go to thought that stops me in my “Surely I deserve…” tracks.
I can echo this. And still, I used to think that “because of all I’ve suffered I deserve…”
Once I recognized that I deserved death, it changed the way I approached life. It made me more grateful.
I’m glad that Ballista and TSK offered encouragement because I suspect words of marrieds might be cold comfort on this one.
This is similar to a comment that I posted at Sunshinemary’s blog post about “sluts, frivorcees, and spinsters”.
I will pray for you, that you continue to grow in faith and follow the Lord. Even though I am only 18, where statistically I was suppose to lose my virginity a year ago, I realized that based off of the world I live in today and being a servant of God, that there may be a chance where I will have to sacrifice my desire for kids and a husband. I’m not saying you should have your hopes down or up, but just leave it up to the Lord. “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21).
I realized that based off of the world I live in today and being a servant of God, that there may be a chance where I will have to sacrifice my desire for kids and a husband. I’m not saying you should have your hopes down or up, but just leave it up to the Lord.
My eldest (19) has also expressed that she is preparing herself for the possibility that she may never marry, but she is leaving it in the Lord’s hands also.
This was beautiful, Donal, and it makes me cry. Seriously brings tears to my eyes, because my kids are right behind you, and I worry that they will suffer similarly. I thank God everyday for my undeniably charmed life, and try not to grieve for what I do not have, what I fear they and you and others will not have. It is difficult to not take the grim view. The Rosary helps.
Great post. Of course life isn’t fair and in some ways that’s probably good.
There is another important truth to consider. You could get married next Saturday and your wife could be killed in a car wreck two weeks later. I’m not trying to be morbid, but it’s why we need to get over the script you mention. The good news is that God is bigger than the script and at the end of the day it’s really about my walk with Him. It’s sounds cheesy but He is the only sure thing. Doesn’t mean don’t seek a wife. Doesn’t mean don’t dream. But it means my hope and identity had better be in Him because it’s possible those things won’t happen.
Great thoughts – regardless of marital status by the way.
Yes; this is it. And a much better post; even if not happy.
Life has never–never–been fair. Being a created thing means starting out with a deficit; one that can never be repaid. How can we create the creator to erase the debt? When you look at the OT law, the laws of recompense are staggering–ridiculously heavy in some cases. The only workable solution is forgiveness.
The good news is that it was never God’s intention for there to be an economy of works. If we are walking with Christ, there is no debt. It’s not only that he paid it, but that the notion of debt is gone. “Suffer the little children to come unto me” because children do not track rights and wrongs; they just want and love. Those are things God can easily correct. In contrast, the “adult” ideas of “debt” and “right and wrong” are acts of our will against Him. It’s not that He can’t correct them; it’s that correcting the act of defying Him means destroying us–the very thing He loves.
This is very deep stuff you’re getting into.
I strongly encourage you now to recall the other concept that goes hand-in-hand with daily willingness to sacrifice: Live one day at a time. Today you are not sacrificing (a life that does not exist) a wife, or children, or whatever you dream. You’re just waiting for today’s orders. This is actually much harder than accepting the inherent unfairness of life, but also much less painful.
Again, good post.
You’re at a crossroads.Something also tells me that your patience has been exhausted. While hope does spring eternal, from time to time, you may run out of it. The best thing to do is to take a break. Do something else and get your mind off of it.
Go out and have some fun.
Sometimes I wonder if the Rapture hasn’t already happened and no one on earth was worthy of levitating up into Heaven. I think a lot of the faithful think they’ve ‘earned’ that magic flight into ascendancy, up up and away from all the earthly woes, iniquities and injustices they feel like they have no control over; or are too confused, too fearful, or too lazy to think they could (or should) have some degree of control.
One of my favorite Christianese tropes is, “God will never put you in a place where he can’t sustain you.” Bullshit. Yes, he will, and often does. That’s how you grow, mature and evolve into a better (or worse) person. Get up, move. Sometimes I wonder if sin isn’t a necessary element to this maturation process.
Here’s a secret – there’s no such thing as contentment.
Being content implies that life is static; it’s not, and to be honest, how boring would that be anyway? Life consists of varying states of discontent: why else would you bother doing anything? But the good news is that it’s more fun and more beneficial to manage discontent than to endure contentment (which you can’t anyway since it’s transitory at best). The trick is to understand that there are 2 kinds of discontent – creative and destructive discontent. What you choose to do with that discontent makes all the difference in the world. You will only get what you’ve gotten if you keep doing what you’ve done. Don’t allow yourself to fall back into old destructive habits of dealing with discontent. Don’t bother with anti-depressants and self-help books when a good hard workout at the gym would serve you better.
The truth is I’m always discontent, but constructively so. The minute you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see you’re sunk. You can always improve, even after achieving things that were once very important and difficult to attain. Happiness is a state of being, it’s in the ‘doing’ not the ‘having done.’ It’s not about endlessly chasing your tail, it’s about being better than you were the day before.
Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.
Thank you for your comments everyone.
@ TSK
I realized most of this a long time ago as well, after I took the Red Pill. But accept it? That has taken much longer. We are both in the same boat here, so I think you can appreciate this quote as much as I:
@ Hannah
That is what I have been doing with myself as well.
@ Ton
Good analysis. And I appreciate the sentiment.
@ Ballista
Yes, exactly. I think that I will read all of Job later tonight, it seems appropriate in these circumstances.
@ Elspeth
Yes, for me as well. Its not that I’ve been lacking gratitude towards God. Its just that I never really accepted, deep down inside, that I might not get everything I wanted. I guess I tried to bargain with God in my mind, thinking my requests were perfectly reasonable (I wasn’t asking to win the lottery or anything, after all).
I will pray for your daughters as well. Truer words have n’er been spoken that the sins of the parents are visited upon the children (in generational terms, that is).
@ Lovely
I considered including your comment, because I thought it was a perfect expression of the right attitude to take. I might update the post later to reflect that.
@ Velvet
I do not envy Christian parents these days. Trying to raise God-fearing children in this wicked age is tough enough without having to worry if they will have a future as we understand it.
@ Justin
Yes, that kind of scenario is one that I have had running in my mind. I guess the thing is that I never really blamed God for all of this. My scorn has been reserved for my fellow men, who left me and my generation (and those that follow) in this mess to begin with. But I did always sort of count on God rescuing me from the consequences of their sins.
@ Cane Caldo
This is the post I told you about. Took me longer to write than intended, but such is the nature of the subject. And yes, this is very deep stuff indeed. I spent a lot of time researching various teachings and doctrines, and even then I only scratched the surface.
And yes, Matthew 6:25-34 is what I should be keeping in mind all the time.
@ Fuzzie
I sort of took a break already in writing this, and will be more engaged in the future.
I simply came to the conclusion that if the church is unable to the point of being unwilling to generate a suitable help meet, then it has no business asking me to be part of it: if it wants to be a community which includes Christian men who grew up believing, then it must discipline its daughters and throw out both them and the trash they drag into the church.
There should also not be permitted any instance of a years long fornicator coming into the church and declaring “I found Jeesus!” and having the professional virgins getting all way up high, perky, and bouncy and chasing the fellow, to the humiliation of the lifelong Christian men. The newcomer to Christ needs to be subject to the teaching of biblical doctrine by the men of the congregation before teh daughters of the church are permitted to date the fellow: of course, once he is “churchified” he will be anathema to the silly women and will have to endure the humiliation as he is given the “not rough enough” brush off.
Church women must also be disabused of the notion that they are to teach men the church doctrines and that they are to be praised when their bad boy husbands begin to toe the Churchian line.
[Ed: I deleted your first comment because it was off-topic and an unwarranted personal attack. I allowed this because it was somewhat on topic and the tone was better.]
@Elspeth: The consequences of living in a sinful earth, I pray that she continues to serve the Lord. Your daughter seems like a genuine person and somebody I would’ve liked to meet.
@Rollo: “God will never put you in a place where he can’t sustain you.” Bullshit. Yes, he will, and often does.
>>I kind of see where you are going with this, but I don’t agree with your interpretation of it. God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. There is nothing that he cannot do or sustain, it is just that He chooses to allow things to happen sometimes. Why? We don’t know. He has a grander scheme than our mind can comprehend.
Now, I am worried. Quoting from aa samurai does give me a perspective. Put this burden down. Time enough later to take it up. Distract yourself. Film works for me. Ted Turner has dramatized a lot of stories from the Old Testament and they’re free on youtube. Also recommended is “Arn, the Knight Templar”, same source.
Let your heart heal in its own time. It’s hard bveing single. We only have ourselves to rely on.
@Rollo: “Here’s a secret – there’s no such thing as contentment.”
Or put another way the secret to contentment on Earth is to be in a never ending state of discontent no matter what your situation is. I think that is what Paul is implying when he says he is content.
Philippians 4:10-14
“But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction.”
David DeAngelo had the line, “Life isn’t fair, and that’s the best news there could be.” I think he’s an atheist, so he meant it was good because learning and applying yourself could turn the tables. But it’s always struck me as a particularly Christian thing to say, if said in a Christian context. If life were fair, we’d all instantly be damned many times over, or we never would have been created in the first place because God would have given up on humanity after Adam and Eve. I don’t “deserve” to take another breath, so I certainly don’t deserve a wife. I can pray for one and hope for one, but this “I deserve such-and-such because I’m such a special Child of God” stuff is nonsense. It’s a complete distortion of a couple lines in scripture (“every hair on your head” and “ask and ye shall receive,” mostly) that ignores everything else.
Submitting yourself to God’s will is one of those things that, every time you think you’re doing it, something smacks you and makes you realize you were only scratching the surface of what it really means. It’s so easy to project our wishes onto God and assume that His will must correspond with our desires.
And great post Donal. It was something I needed to read and take to heart myself.
After all the thing about crosses is that there are several men in this situation too. It would probably help us all out to give support to each other. That is one way to combat loneliness.
It’s not an original idea Donal. I read up on soical capital a while back. It was interesting for the time, but the books were all written by liberals and they didn’t/ couldn’t connect the dots on many issues
As for the sentiment, I figure I’ll have to shoot you one day, with you being Catholic and all and your church hell bent on destroying what is left of the South, our ways and our traditional people, but the day hasn’t shown up yet and I rarely borrow tomorrow’s troubles. You’re a good writer, most likely a good man and it’s interesting to see you mature…. for lack of a better word. I am sympathetic to the plight of your generation, as TSK will attest. My son being not much younger then you and same for the various soldiers I’ve worked with.
Lack of concern for the new generation is the hallmark of the boomers destructive path. Maybe the same.for the so.called greatest generation as well
Oftentimes that scheme is not to sustain you in order to get you to move. Sometimes the best plan B is not to have a plan B and simply burn the boats that brought you.
And this correlates to the context of this past week’s Gospel reading about the Pharisee and tax collector. Sure the Pharisee was more righteous but the tax collector got the reward because he had the proper relationship with God.
In fact the homily I heard was a real eye opener. Even though we as Christians may see ourselves as “better” than secularists…compared to God we are closer to the worst sinners. And their are some atheists out there living the Gospel better the Christians who read it but never act on it. There was even mention of the prodigal son story as well…where the righteous son did everything correctly but complained of no reward, while the other son was sinful, realized the error of his ways, and got a reward. Doing the right thing is of its own reward. So do we really deserve any more special treatment than anyone else? Not really.
I mean if God gave me the choice between living right and getting to Heaven or doing my thing and getting a wife…I’d take the little bit of loneliness. Hell is nothing more than eternal loneliness…and that frightens me.
A ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships were meant to do.
Once upon a time there were two old men talking about the places they lived and how each thought their homes were the best places to live. The first was born and raised in a remote town in rural Montana. He always spoke lovingly about his hometown and often boasted it was the most beautiful place in the world, though he’d never been more than a few miles beyond it’s borders. He was proud to be from a small town and had lived there his entire life because it was genuinely a wonderful place to live. He often said it was the best place in the world to settle down in.
The second man was from the same town, but he left at 18 to join the Navy. In the course of his enlistment he’d traveled to Singapore, Australia, the Philippines, Guam, and many other countries in the asian pacific. Additionally he’d spent time at several Naval bases in San Diego, Hawaii and San Francisco. Later he traveled to Panama, through the canal and was stationed in Florida and South Carolina. After his time in the Navy, he went to a university in New York and later became an investment banker traveling to Britain, the Netherlands, France, Germany and Spain. In his 50′s he was commissioned to be a US Ambassador to several countries in the middle east. In his travels he’d experienced the best and the worst of humanity. He’d been met with grace and hospitality as well as hate and hostility. Ultimately he’d decided to retire in New Zealand, because it was the most welcoming and beautiful country he’d traveled to in the course of his life – and proud, he too believed his home to be the best place in the world to settle down in.
Which of these two men’s advice should a young man consider when it comes time for him to call a place his home?
Yes, this is how it is. And you are right to refuse as insufficient any hope but in Christ.
But once that foundation is laid, and you have counted the cost and tremulously stepped over the mental line—well, there are some nice people who enjoy reading your blog, and are rooting for you. And that’s not so terrible, for today.
Lack of concern for the new generation is the hallmark of the boomers destructive path. Maybe the same.for the so.called greatest generation as well.
I think some of them do care. They just don’t *get it* is all. They don’t appreciate that it’s a very different world than it was 50 years ago. Things aren’t as neat and clear cut as they were then.
You could screw up and come back from it with ease. It was easier to find someone to build a life with. The problem is that they think they made it to the good life because they were good, made the right choices, etc. Many of them have no idea that it had very little to do with them and almost everything to do with coming of age during a boom time where the veneer of Christian vlaues was still faintly visible and impactful.
We are living in the last days (yeah, I know every generation says that). I often think of this Scripture when I want to cry for my kids the way Velvet mentioned crying for hers:
For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6 For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7 always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. And this especially:
But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14 But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
That gullible women part always makes me cringe a little bit, by the way.
Things are getting worse, people are getting worse, times are getting harder to live in, and we act shocked. I do it too.
I want my girls to marry and have babies but honestly, if they can manage to keep the faith and live holy, they have already beat the odds in ways too blessed to count. I don’t want to get all greedy and entitled.
Yeah having the faith, knowledge, and a relationship with Jesus despite an evil world telling you enticing little lies is probably the greatest reward you can get. Anything else is a bonus.
All I can say is it’s a good thing a lot of heroes of the Old Testament didn’t feel the same way as Paul or there’d be a lot of Jews building pyramids in Egypt, the walls of Jericho would still be standing and Goliath would still be hurling insults at the Israelites.
@ Rollo – Amen on the contentment thing. First off, Paul is not talking about staying the same or being the same. Also, he doesn’t say that about singleness – in fact, he says go get married. Here’s how I’ve come to read that. Be content (established, rooted, have your identity in) in Jesus, regardless of what is going on. In other words a lot of stuff is going to happen, change, mess you up – so if you have your core identity in those things you are screwed. But if I’m in Christ, then I can go at them all.
It’s like the whole sovereignty issue. If God is sovereign then you can go pursue whatever. He’s got it right. God’s sovereignty is a launching pad, not a hiding place. It’s should lead to action not sitting around.
Great post Donal.
I’ll pray for you, I know it must have been a difficult post to write.
But please don’t lose hope… we never know what/who God will bring us.
Accept may be too strong a term. Perhaps I am merely coming to terms with my reality. That us the best part, though. When you have nothing left you can risk it all. Part of our command was to gain dominion over the earth. We can remake our reality to better meet our needs. Do your duty, and take command of your fate.
The Shadowed Knight
If you want some perspective on why loneliness isn’t the worst thing in the world…read the domestic abuse stories at the A Voice For Men website. Sometimes having a woman in your life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
[Ed: Seriously. Modern day horror stories over there…]
Rollo said:
“You’re not good enough. You’re going to have to work to make yourself worthy. Hey: Check out that fruit!”
What the Bible says is: 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. While it is true that you put forward a Christianese trope not of your own making, your purpose is not to discredit phony Christians, but to cause doubt in Christ. I know this because your next sentence is:
<blockquote.Sometimes I wonder if sin isn’t a necessary element to this maturation process.
Let your wondering end here. Romans 3:7 But if through my lie God’s truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner? 8 And why not do evil that good may come?—as some people slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just.
Because doing evil is to righteousness as beta behavior is to Game.
More whispers, and a reframe to the worldly view. A Christian’s contentment is not found in the world at all not in the static and not in the dynamic. It is found in the Rock of Ages who does not change, yet causes all change. Our contentment is found in Him, not in ourselves.
Here is Rollo’s full philosophy laid bare: Don’t be like that pussy Christ who let the world destroy him: be like Rollo.* Life here is all there is, so living for your creator is useless. All there is to life is personal growth.
This message is deeply confused because the truth is we simply can’t get better every day. Sickness, aging, and death happen. Rollo, here, is the epitome of the Boomer disease. Instead of claiming 60 is the new 30, his message is Rollo is the new Vida Loca. The seeds of the confusion lie within his own message: life is about discontentment, but there is nothing but to be content with personal growth towards your best you ever! Don’t read self-help books…says the guy who wrote a self-help book! Hahaha! How remarkably stupid.
This is the whole part of Game that I have rejected since first reading it. The diagnosis is pretty solid, and that shouldn’t be surprising as the work of Satan is condemnation of real sin. It’s the prescriptions of Game that sucks.
*It’s always interesting what our chosen names reveal about how we view ourselves. Rollo Tomassi is a fictional character of a fictional character–a ruse within the ruse called L.A. Confidential. He’s a boogeyman; a hobgoblin who lacks character or flesh of his own, and who’s only purpose is to destroy and deceive.
“All I can say is it’s a good thing a lot of heroes of the Old Testament didn’t feel the same way as Paul…”
You must not know the background story about Paul. There was nothing about that guy that was about sitting around doing nothing…he was a motor.
@Rollo:
“Oftentimes that scheme is not to sustain you in order to get you to move. Sometimes the best plan B is not to have a plan B and simply burn the boats that brought you.”
I never said it was. All I said was that by the definition and characteristic of God, there is nothing he cannot do. God can choose to sustain us or not to sustain us. He is always in control. The grander scheme is to carry out His plans through, not ours.
Also, I’m content and I have peace. I have contentment in God and I find my peace through Him. The thing about being a Christian is that, while it is hard to be one here are earth, we only have to suffer through earthly sacrifices. Our God has offered us peace and we have it, despite and in the midst of all the pain on earth.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
I agree with Earl, what people seem to forget is that Paul was probably the most educated man during His time. That guy was all over doing God’s will. If Paul was just sitting around doing nothing (which doesn’t even make sense since he didn’t even stay in one spot), then what am I doing?!
Excellent, if depressing, post. If once a month I could hear something like this at the parish I might be inclined to attend.
A word of warning from a man who has done everything wrong: stay on your guard more than ever now, that you don’t succumb to the temptation to throw aside your chastity. It is even more difficult to keep yourself pure after you make a decision like this. Washing yourself with the word, and memorizing all the verses ( especially those in Proverbs) about the strange/contentious/whorish woman has been a great help to me.
Godspeed brother, let’s pray for one another.
” It is even more difficult to keep yourself pure after you make a decision like this.”
I’m curious as to why this is the case? Because you get lonely…or that women sense that you’ve found some power and want to exploit it?
Christ doesn’t ask for much — given what He gives in return. All you have to do is die to the things – all of the things – that are most important to you. Then follow Him.
The burden is light only once you fully realize, as Cane points out, that everyone dies. Ozymandius turns to dust. The price will be paid. The whisperers offering boastful greatness are deceivers selling a mess of pottage.
The only question is whether you ultimately end up with nothing, or with everything.
@ Fuzzie
Its been too long since I’ve watched Ben-Hur. Time to correct that.
@ Cail
Interesting perspective on life not being fair. Too often it is a source of lamentation, not of joy. And yet, for us Christians, we should find joy in it, for without that fact Christ would not have died for our sins.
@ Earl
We are not alone in this walk. While that is not good (in that it signifies others share this hardship), it is not bad (in that it signifies that we have others we can relate to).
@ Ton
You ain’t just whistling Dixie there.
@ Seriously
Once you understand what you are doing, that first step is the hardest. After that, I find they become easier to take.
@ Elspeth
I don’t know if these are the end times or not. They sure seem like it. But then again, there have been dark times before as well. We just have to try and do our best, for our selves, and by our loved ones.
@ EOF
Thank you.
@ TSK
That’s the plan. This scene from Serenity seems appropriate:
@ Frank
I have held my self in control so far, and I don’t aim to start down that path at this point in my life. If anything, it is easier now than before. I have the maturity and discipline which I lacked in my youth. A good thing too, given that since I’ve dumped a lot of bad traits/behaviors my SMV has increased noticeably.
@ Earl
For some reason the phrase “precious bodily fluids” comes to mind…
@ ZIppy
When you put it in perspective, the burden is that much easier to bear. What is fifty or so years more on this world compared to eternity?
I’m curious as to why this is the case? Because you get lonely…or that women sense that you’ve found some power and want to exploit it?
In my case, it was weakness and lack of dependence on God. A few years after my conversion I stopped trusting Him for ALL my needs and for a season decided to meet them myself. In addition, there were always an abundance of “volunteers” to help me out. And yes, loneliness did play a big part.
Sex, even in fornication, is very comforting. For a time. But in the end it is more bitter than wormwood.
Heh, good man, Donal. That is the spirit. However, be sure not to let it consume you. Even though it has faded of late, you still have the same power that your ancestors called upon. Use it wisely.
The Shadowed Knight
I’m curious as to why this is the case? Because you get lonely…or that women sense that you’ve found some power and want to exploit it?
Because once one’s given up hopes for a permanent relationship, the question one is tempted with is – What’s the point in remaining chaste?
The answer is – because chastity is as much about your own well being and your relationship with the Almighty as it is about coming together with only your spouse.
What a great blog post. I won’t comment on any specific part of it, because the whole thing is excellent. Your Catholic theology is very recognizable…and inspiring…and challenging. Thank you, sir.
Donal, go take a look at Ace’s latest. He has some great words that you could stand to hear right now. I would also recommend that you read this one as well.
The Shadowed Knight
[Ed: Read it, good as usual.]
we live in a wish fulfillment culture.
Girls certainly do now. Some of the younger men may have done. I never did, coming from a time early on in abortion culture, when zpg was all the rage, and we were told that as adults the world would be so full we would all sleep standing up.
subtext of these messages is that life is fair. That hard work always pays off. That those who deserve to win always do.
it is a common subtheme to contemporary culture, where distraction and amusement stops people from dealing with real issues. People are encouraged live their lives as corporate shills and drones, mindlessly being entertained and taught to believe that buying stuff is good.
I suggest another common current theme is instant fame and fortune. Hence the importance of celebritiea, and instant success memes. The millenials and gen x saw boomer parents being sacked and corporate loyalty has since declined. Given the way corporates treat their `resources` i have some empathy for job hoppers.
God doesn’t owe me anything.
Perhaps similar to your experience, i thought that all the lousy, dismissive attitudes from girls when i was in my twenties was a training ground for a better experiences down the track. I know now better that it was soliptist, female hypergamy that resulted in some of them being multiple divorcees, and others lifelong childless spinsters. A few more became single mommies. Multiple bullets dodged.
I agree with your sentiment though. Its awful to see women given a pass to sin, blow up marriages, and hasten the wests’ decline. I had expectations, that i need to keep modifying as i deal with the reality of evil being real and present. Were that not so, then hard work would have more certain outcomes.
Suppose I had continued doing that? I’d be 44 and single.
Straw man. She had a string of beta men interested including one she broke an engagement with. Not blaming, just noting. This is a common tactic i see, mostly with younger women that become alpha widows. Those five minutes (trading on their early peaking smv) ruined them for mere mortals.
Any woman who is average or better can get sex, a boyfriend or a marriage proposal. Deti says this repeatedly and i agee. She just has to lower her standards. Hypergamy encourages women to avoid doing this. That ssm got her alpha is statistical noise. Most women can sex up an alpha or pua, but few indeed get a ring.
am finally starting to accept that my life may not go according to plan. That I might have to sacrifice what I want in order to follow the Lord.
Obedience brings sacrifice, yes. Choices have consequences. Like cs lewis wrote about in the screwtape letters, we fight an enemy that constantly reshapes the culture, changes how it works and changes what people think is desirable.
Every age has its different challenges. And i would encourage you. Chastity is a special discipline, but did get easier with age. You must have purpose, that gives direction and meaning. Your purpose is different to mine, and is for you to seek out.
we live in a wish fulfillment culture.
Girls certainly do now. Some of the younger men may have done. I never did, coming from a time early on in abortion culture, when zpg was all the rage, and we were told that as adults the world would be so full we would all sleep standing up.
subtext of these messages is that life is fair. That hard work always pays off. That those who deserve to win always do.
it is a common subtheme to contemporary culture, where distraction and amusement stops people from dealing with real issues. People are encouraged live their lives as corporate shills and drones, mindlessly being entertained and taught to believe that buying stuff is good.
I suggest another common current theme is instant fame and fortune. Hence the importance of celebritiea, and instant success memes. The millenials and gen x saw boomer parents being sacked and corporate loyalty has since declined. Given the way corporates treat their `resources` i have some empathy for job hoppers.
God doesn’t owe me anything.
Perhaps similar to your experience, i thought that all the lousy, dismissive attitudes from girls when i was in my twenties was a training ground for a better experiences down the track. I know now better that it was soliptist, female hypergamy that resulted in some of them being multiple divorcees, and others lifelong childless spinsters. A few more became single mommies. Multiple bullets dodged.
I agree with your sentiment though. Its awful to see women given a pass to sin, blow up marriages, and hasten the wests’ decline. I had expectations, that i need to keep modifying as i deal with the reality of evil being real and present. Were that not so, then hard work would have more certain outcomes.
Suppose I had continued doing that? I’d be 44 and single.
Straw man. She had a string of beta men interested including one she broke an engagement with. Not blaming, just noting. This is a common tactic i see, mostly with younger women that become alpha widows. Those five minutes (trading on their early peaking smv) ruined them for mere mortals.
Any woman who is average or better can get sex, a boyfriend or a marriage proposal. Deti says this repeatedly and i agee. She just has to lower her standards. Hypergamy encourages women to avoid doing this. That ssm got her alpha is statistical noise. Most women can sex up an alpha or pua, but few indeed get a ring.
am finally starting to accept that my life may not go according to plan. That I might have to sacrifice what I want in order to follow the Lord.
Obedience brings sacrifice, yes. Choices have consequences. Like cs lewis wrote about in the screwtape letters, we fight an enemy that constantly reshapes the culture, changes how it works and changes what people think is desirable.
Every age has its different challenges. And i would encourage you. Chastity is a special discipline, but did get easier with age. You must have purpose, that gives direction and meaning. Your purpose is different to mine, and is for you to seek out.
Edit: italics corrected.
She just has to lower her standards.
Not morally, but in line with her mmv. Assortative mating works a lot better than nofault divorce.
ruined them for mere mortals.
All men are mere mortals.
“All men are mere mortals.”
Until the hamster gets involved.
[Ed: Gold. Oh, and this applies to men too.]
Until the hamster gets involved.
Touche. I refer to my husband as my superhero from time to time. But I know he’s just a man nonetheless.