The Need and The Void

This post is intended in part as a response to Rollo Tomassi’s post You Need Sex over at The Rational Male. However, it goes beyond the bounds of Rollo’s post and covers the physical and psychological needs of men when it comes to women. Rollo’s post itself was directed at me, based on this part of it:

What prompted today’s post was my reading a recent blog entry of a notable christo-manosphere commenter. I’m not going to name him since I think most of the readers who frequent Rational Male  from Dalrock or Sunshinemary’s blogs already know who I’m referencing. What’s important is his life’s plight. The nuts and bolts of his post was his lament in finding a suitable, monogamous mate to marry, have sex with and (presumedly) have a life and children with.

It’s not too tall an order for even the most abject Beta of men. To be sure, nowadays it increasingly requires a good amount of self-delusion and / or faith for a guy to consider monogamy, and red pill disillusionment can help or aggravate, but statistically more people are engaging in monogamy than not at some stage of their lives. However, this blogger feels doomed and relegated to what I can only assume is a self-inflicted life of celibacy due to his religious convictions and his inability to connect with the properly prescribed virgin bride who fits his ideal.

While he doesn’t name me outright, it was my blog post All Alone in the Dark that Rollo was referencing. He confirmed this later in the comments section.

Physical Need

After dropping hints about the blog (and blogger’s) identity, Rollo explored the need that men have for sex.

The unhealthy disconnect here is that human beings do in fact need sex. We can attach other ephemeral aspects to the sex act (or masturbation if that’s the only recourse), like love, emotion, commitment, etc., but on a base level your body needs sexual release in one form or another. Yes, you can willfully override the need, just like you can overcome hunger while you’re fasting or on a hunger strike, but the need is still the operative in that act of will. Once hunger, breathing and thirst are satisfied, sex is the single most influential drive the human species (really, most any species) is motivated by. Society is driven by sex, cultures evolve around it and personal achievements, as well as horrible atrocities are the result of our inborn prompt to satisfy our sexual urges.

Sigmund Freud once said, “all energy is sexual”, meaning that subliminally we will redirect our motivation for ungratified sexual impulse to other endeavors. Thus it’s men, being the sex with the highest amount of libido inducing testosterone, who must look for far more outlets to transfer this motivation to than women. So is it any real surprise that it’s historically been Men who’ve primarily been the empire builders, the conquerors, the creators, and destroyers who’ve (for better or worse) moved humanity the most significantly?

There is more to it than that, of course. There are a number of scientific studies which have explored the importance of sex, including especially its role with health. Courtesy of an article at Men’s Journal, here is an example:

As it turns out, the benefits of sex are a factor in all three categories of male mortality – heart disease, cancer, and environmental causes (stress, accident, suicide) – and plenty of scientists are pushing the idea that the more sex you have the longer you’ll live. The Johnny Appleseed of the theory is Michael Roizen, a 62-year-old doctor who chairs the Wellness Institute at the Cleveland Clinic.

“For men, the more the better,” he says. “The typical man who has 350 orgasms a year, versus the national average of around a quarter of that, lives about four years longer.” And more than those extra four years, Roizen says, the men will feel eight years younger than their contemporaries. Is there an optimal number of orgasms for the average man? Roizen suggests, with a straight face, that 700 a year could add up to eight years to your life. This is an ambitious prescription: The average American adult male has sex just 81 times a year.

Roizen’s formula may be new, but the benefits of sex and orgasms have been tracked for years, and there’s some compelling hard evidence to back Roizen’s claims. A Swedish study done in the ’80s found that 70-year-olds who made it to 75 were the ones still having sex, and a Duke University study that followed 252 people over 25 years concluded that “frequency of intercourse was a significant predictor of longevity.”

Other health benefits exist as well, including:

Having sex could lower your stress and your blood pressure.

That finding comes from a Scottish study of 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. The researchers put them in stressful situations — such as speaking in public and doing math out loud — and checked their blood pressure.

People who had had intercourse responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

Another study found that diastolic blood pressure (the bottom number of your blood pressure) tends to be lower in people who live together and have sex often.

A 20-year-long British study shows that men who had sex two or more times a week were half as likely to have a fatal heart attack than men who had sex less than once a month.

And although some older folks may worry that sex could cause a stroke, the study found no link between how often men had sex and how likely they were to have a stroke.

… [and]…

Oxytocin also boosts your body’s painkillers, called endorphins. Headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms may improve after sex.

In one study, 48 people inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked. The oxytocin cut their pain threshold by more than half.

Based on all of this, it seems fairly clear that regular sex is important, even necessary for good health. All of which means that those men who do not get regular sex, whether they are chaste Christian men practicing abstinence, or secular men who are forced into the life of an Incel, or married men whose wives are denying them their conjugal rights, are suffering serious health consequences as a result.

Some try to escape the physical need for sex in various ways. While a few might try asceticism, many turn towards pornography as an outlet for their sex drive. Many of those who advocate the MGTOW lifetstyle also talk up “sex-bots” and artificial wombs as a means of escaping any “need” for women. However, all of this focuses solely on the physical need for contact with women, and how that might be overcome.

Psychological Need

The male need for women isn’t purely sexual, or physical. In truth men have a deep-rooted psychological need for female attention that cannot be suppressed, ignored, or alleviated through some artificial means. “Sex-bots” might be a tool to ease any physical need, but they can never truly replace a woman. At least, not replace the ability of a woman to meet a man’s psychological and emotional needs. As I have explained elsewhere:

Men need women to provide comfort and reassurance, to be a warm blanket that allows men to forget, for a short while, the horrors of the world. A man runs to a woman to escape the toils of the world.

Simply put, woman are our escape from reality. Others have stated the same before, but in my opinion the importance of this escape is not appreciated enough in the manosphere. A man without a woman feels like there is a void in his life. The longer he is lonely, the greater the void becomes. For someone who goes without female companionship for long enough, that void eventually consumes him, leaving a shell of a man behind. By the way, when I say companionship, I don’t merely mean One Night Stands or flings. I mean a serious relationship with a woman. Something lasting during which a man can give attention to a woman, and receive it back.

Unlike some out there, I have no dislike for, or distrust of, Men Going Their Own Way. I understand why a lot of men are following that path in life. But I think that many of them fail to understand just how difficult it truly is. They might be able to find substitutes for the physical presence of a woman, but I don’t for a moment think that most of them can ever escape the psychological need for a woman.  I wish MGTOW luck in their endeavors, because I think that they are going to need it.

While the marriage rate has been dropping in recent years, many men still marry. These men marry despite many of them knowing the pitfalls of modern marriage (marriage 2.0). For many many of them, I suspect their decision to marry is not based on a desire for children, or for sex, but because they seek attention and validation from a woman. And despite the best efforts of the MGTOW movement, this isn’t going to change anytime soon. Any hope that a mass exodus  of men from the marriage market will occur, and thus drive women to alter their attitudes and behavior, will simply not be realized. If your goal is to change how women behave, and thus the rules and boundaries of society, you will need to find another way. Because men want  women like nothing else, and need from them something like nothing else.

Sunshinemary expressed it rather nicely:

…What men want is for women to show them some kindness and concern.

That is the crux of the matter, when you get down to it. Men want, need,  know that a woman cares for them and is concerned about them. We need to be able to go home after a hard day’s toil and know there is a woman waiting for us who will smile at the sound of our voice, whose eyes brighten at the sight of us, who will invite us into her warm embrace and whisper sweet nothings into our ear as we lie entwined together in bed at night… all so we can forget, if but for a little while, the hardships of this world.

Consequences

And this brings us to my actual response. Rollo is right that I need sex. Men do, no way around it. But that need is greater than just sex with women, it is a need for positive interactions with femininity which sate some requirement deep inside us. Which means that I will call man’s necessity for positive interactions with the feminine The Need. The Need is real, and nearly all men have it. But what happens when The Need goes unfulfilled?

Rollo explains it like this:

If I said I felt pity for men like the blogger I mentioned earlier, who through their own conviction or bad circumstance, have never had sex in their lives, I don’t think I’d be accurate in expressing myself. I feel a profound sadness for them; a sadness similar to when you meet someone who’s lost a limb or has had to live with a physical or mental disability.

This analogy makes perfect sense to me. While I don’t always notice it, there will always be parts of the day where I sense that something is missing from my life. Something important… something vital. I imagine it is similar to what Rollo described, the emptiness, numbness and sense of loss that accompanies a missing limb. The Shadow Knight over at Sunshinemary’s blog described it like this:

The lack of the feminine is felt as an ache where she would be resting. When I lie on my side, there is sometimes a pain where she would be if she was cuddling up to you. Sometimes it will be where she would be if you were holding her to your chest. It depends on where it is felt, but one thing is always the same: the phantom touch of a woman that does not exist and pain and a sense of loss. It goes deep, her absence is felt on a visceral level.

I referenced this sensation in my previous post as the Ache, but that isn’t exactly right. While the lack of physical contact with a woman (sex) might cause physical symptoms like an ache, the real harm is mental. Instead, I think I will refer to it as The Void, because the lack of femininity in a man’s life leaves him with a terrible emptiness which nothing else can fill. While a man might use porn or “sex-bots” or a Holodeck to satisfy the physical demands of The Need, that is the limit to their capabilities.  The true harm of The Void can only be met by a real, live, flesh and blood woman, although I suspect much time and money will be spent to prove me wrong.

So this is what I must contend with in my life: The Need and The Void.

What Rollo hinted at, and I must admit is true, is that I am experiencing The Void because of my convictions. If I wanted to satisfy The Need, at least the physical part, I am sure that it would be little trouble for me now that I have taken the Red Pill. I am getting positive responses and IOIs from women in the 7-8 range, and maybe even 9’s (I admit to being rather deficient when it comes to judging a woman on the 1-10 scale). Establishing a series of Long-Term Relationships shouldn’t be out of my league either. So that would likely also satisfy the emotional component of The Need.

Yet as a practicing Christian committed to living a life devoted to God’s commands, I cannot walk that path. Or rather, I will not walk that path. I have chosen otherwise. And therein lies the rub. The proper outlet for me to satisfy The Need, to alleviate The Void, is marriage. And so until I find a woman worthy and willing to be my wife, and until the day I wed that woman, I must endure The Need and The Void. Which means that following my faith costs me dearly [in this life]: for besides the mental anguish, I am essentially hastening my death little by little by walking a path where a major way to extend my life is not available. But I am a disciple of Christ; if this is the cross that I must bear , well then, so be it.

As I contemplate those times when that cross will seem too heavy to bear, I will seek comfort in the same words that my Savior did on Calvary nearly two thousand years ago:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.

Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried, and were saved;
in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.

40 Comments

Filed under Christianity, Marriage, Red Pill, Sex

40 responses to “The Need and The Void

  1. I have nothing to add except that I want you to know that, while I can’t fully endorse your convictions, I hold you in the highest regard.

  2. I appreciate that Rollo. We all must chose the path we walk in life; I have chosen mine, and you have chosen yours. It is not necessary for us to agree with each others choices in order to respect one another.

  3. A man without a woman feels like there is a void in his life.

    I reckon unhappily married men feel the same way.

    I wonder if your perspective will change as you get older. I don’t find that I’m nearly as despondent about the state of the MMP in my thirties as I was in my twenties. Maybe I’ve become institutionalized.

  4. Adsignatos D.

    The lack of the feminine is felt as an ache where she would be resting. When I lie on my side, there is sometimes a pain where she would be if she was cuddling up to you.

    Like missing a rib while in deep sleep…only to wake up and not find anything new in the garden.

  5. Deep Strength

    Simply put, woman are our escape from reality. Others have stated the same before, but in my opinion the importance of this escape is not appreciated enough in the manosphere. A man without a woman feels like there is a void in his life. The longer he is lonely, the greater the void becomes. For someone who goes without female companionship for long enough, that void eventually consumes him, leaving a shell of a man behind. By the way, when I say companionship, I don’t merely mean One Night Stands or flings. I mean a serious relationship with a woman. Something lasting during which a man can give attention to a woman, and receive it back.

    Genesis 2:18 — The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

    I’m pretty much putting out feelers with all of my Christians friends, so we’ll see what comes of it. Open as many doors as possible, and see what God reveals.

    I definitely understand you on The Need, but I don’t have the same intensity longing as The Void though. I’m used to being alone and am highly introverted, so I can pretty much live by myself and not feel horribly about it.

  6. The Void is not omnipresent for me, it only flares up from time to time. But when it does, it can be rather bleak. I am also something of an introvert, which no doubt helps with this.

  7. earl

    Well like Jesus said about other things in life.

    Seek the Kingdom of Heaven first and everything else will be given to you. It’s not like God doesn’t know…He was the one who said men shouldn’t be alone.

  8. earl

    @ Frank…that scene reminded me of this blog post about the Wall for men.

    http://www.embracethehunt.com/2013/07/02/the-wall/

    Eventually you realize you need the wall to keep yourself from becoming crazy.

  9. I had a period time where I only had iteration with other males during the week, and that was it. The lack of even a feminine voice to talk to made my walk rather difficult, so much so that when I went to a favorite restaurant, I’d ask for a place with a female waitress just to have a female voice to interact with.

    There’ve been other times when I’m pretty well on my own all by myself, and it doesn’t seem nearly so bad. I wonder if female interaction is partly needed to balance out the effects of male interaction in our lives? (Imagine, for instance, what it’d be like if a man only had women to interact with, and male interactions were the scarce ones?)

  10. Earl, thanks for linking me. This was an interesting read and I would never have come across it had you not.

    I stand somewhere near Rollo it would seem; the dedication demands respect.

  11. Wow. I have serious respect for you. Most Christian men don’t take chastity as seriously as they should (and I really wish they did, honestly).
    While I may not understand The Void and The Need, I do understand this:
    “Yet as a practicing Christian committed to living a life devoted to God’s commands, I cannot walk that path. Or rather, I will not walk that path. I have chosen otherwise.” It is hard. I know. Even as a young lady, all around me, I am constantly pressured and chastised for my decisions based on how I choose to live my life unto God, but “Seek the Kingdom of Heaven first and everything else will be given to you. ” (Earl took the words right out of my keyboard before I could even type it, haha).
    I will pray that God will bless you with a good wife.

  12. lovelyleblanc7, Take comfort that you’re not enduring this struggle alone.

    Earl, that was a good link there.

  13. A Northern Observer

    lovelyleblanc7 – for those who would make fun of your choice, ask them if they’d like if you ridiculed them for the choices they make in their lives? Don’t give them the power to make you feel bad about choosing the better way for yourself.

  14. “Which means that following my faith costs me dearly”

    Are you sure of that?

    Matthew 19: 29-30

  15. Thanks for point that out to me earl. It should have said “Costs me dearly in this life

    Not sure how I missed that, because I quoted Matthew just a few lines later..

    Going to fix that, by the way.

  16. Seems to me following the faith is much like making a huge investment in the beginning with lots of aches and pains as you are changing while you watch other people have the fun. Then the greatest rewards come down the line…and the others that tried to shortcut the process end up in pain.

    If that isn’t red pill…nothing is.

  17. It should have said “Costs me dearly in this life”

    That verse even hinted that it rewards you handsomely in this life too…plus you get eternal life.

  18. Exactly. Delayed gratification. We endure in this world, so that we might gain in the next.

    With regards to an Earthly reward… hmmnnn, I am pretty sure that it was referencing the life and world to come. At least, based on the context of everything else Jesus said. But I could be wrong,

    Matthew 13:44-50 could be interpreted that way I suppose.

  19. I take earthly rewards from Jesus to mean people. You never know where a wife will come from…you could be doing the Christian thing helping a grandmother with something and she clues you in on a single granddaughter.

    I found my job because I spent time chatting with another guy on the internet who happened to be where I’m from. I talked with a friendly mother at my church and she introduced me to her daughter…try all angles to see where the treasure is found.

  20. Earl, your story is the perfect example of Matthew 7:7-8.

    (in case it isn’t obvious, the Gospel of Matthew is my favorite)

  21. Well you could also go Luke 18:1-8. Even though it was about a widow it kept me going praying…and let’s just say I’ve bugged God quite a bit.

    Also a good reason why a man should never give up.

  22. @Frank: Thank You. I understand that there are few us, few and far between. :/

    @A Northerner Observer: I could, but I’d rather not stoop down to their level. Whenever, I feel to conform to culture or question my beliefs, I just open up the Bible. 🙂

  23. jack

    In case you’re interested, I can give you a peek at what this looks like at mid-40.

    You get over it, you really do. But what happens is that you are haunted by a million past experiences of isolation. The direct, existential pain is muted – and to a very large degree, so there is some mercy in aging.

    What happens is that the wound heals over, so it is no longer an open and painful. But the inside does not heal. Every year it hurts just a little bit less, though.

    At mid-40, I have begun to count the years toward the end rather than the years from my birth.

    It all boils down to original sin. The problem is that woman, as God designed her is not really available anywhere. Sure, there are some exceptional women who come close, and lucky is the man who finds her.

    But the rest of us must choose between a selfish woman or no woman. I choose none.

  24. A Northern Observer

    Jack – as a 50+, the other side of the coin I see is the pain and suffering of my friends who went the “traditional” route, and I’m thankful for the tranquil peace and quiet I’ve been gifted, the ability to do what I want when I want w/out the risk of drama, etc.

    Another positive of being single is the ability to take on issues of righteousness and justice that marrieds and others who have the responsibility for others cannot take on. In that manner, I can be used of God to protect and provide for others who cannot protect and provide for themselves in this way.

    Would I prefer a happy relationship with a loving woman? Certainly. Would I risk my peace and quiet just to have a female around? At this point it would take a fair bit of convincing to get me to that point now.

  25. thehap

    Good stuff, as usual, Donal.

  26. theshadowedknight

    I am a gate sentry and my job is to control access. My day is spent admitting the wives driving minivans full of kids waving at me. The pain of watching your dreams pass within feet for hours a day is like nothing else. It is very easy to talk about because it is so prevalent, so constant. Although, it does something to the soul.

    I am aware that I may never find that for which I search. So I will search, and in the meantime, I will wait. Good luck, Donal, and God be with you.

    By the way, Adsignatos, that is probably the best description I have seen. That is precisely where it hurts the most.

    The Shadowed Knight

  27. This is a great post.. though it does make me sad. I have thought about this a lot before. When considering my own struggles I have thought to myself.. Imagine how the men feel. I believe it’s even more difficult for men. And for this I applaud those like yourself, who stand by their beliefs and convictions. It’s no secret that the majority of the time men have a higher libido than women. So I’m assuming their struggles in this respect are much more. My heart really does go out to you and all the other men who are without wives but are remaining firm in their convictions, and my prayers are with you.
    With that said, God knows what you are going through, and everything good is in His time, not ours. Even through the struggles and being without a spouse, God is still working on us, teaching us lessons, patience, understanding, helping us grow to better people, and most importantly helping our Faith in Him grow.
    Off topic, but, If I had married earlier, maybe I would not have been able to be the wife I feel I could be if I were to marry today. God has taught me much in the past few years that I feel has enabled me to be better prepared to be a good wife. But I also know that God has His plan for us, maybe I will never marry. And if I don’t I have decided I will work somewhere with less than privileged children, because what I feel it is my ultimate calling is to be a mother. And if I will not marry and have children of my own.. there are so many children in the world who are in need of care and mothering anyway. Of course I would prefer to marry, to be a wife and mother, but I just want to make the most of the situations I face.

    Of course this does nothing to take away from the fact that yes, you do indeed have a void that must be filled, and needs that must be met, and I truly believe that God will hear our prayers, and He will bless you with a wonderful wife, in the right time. You are still young, I know men who are marrying in their late 30’s, 40’s. But what makes it different with you is that you are remaining chaste, these other men are out doing you know what. But they have chosen their path and you have chosen yours, the right one, and God is going to bless you for that.
    Matthew 7: 13 Enter ye through the narrow gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leads to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leads to life, and few there be that find it

  28. M3

    “The longer he is lonely, the greater the void becomes. For someone who goes without female companionship for long enough, that void eventually consumes him, leaving a shell of a man behind. By the way, when I say companionship, I don’t merely mean One Night Stands or flings. I mean a serious relationship with a woman. ”

    Everytime i ever brought up my time without (without referencing the actual amount of years), women invariably tell me that if i wanted sex, i should get a prostitute.. as if they couldn’t tell i actually wanted ‘a girlfriend’.. the whole 9 yards.. a female with whom i could have an intimate relationship with that included sex in the process. Per Rollo, if you’re not f*cking, you’re friends.

    They couldn’t see that the longer i went without being in an actual relationship with a woman was the source of my depression and regression from humanity at that time.

    Thankfully, a lot has changed since then and i’m a whole new me.

  29. Thank you for commenting M3. It is funny that you mention prostitutes… I have heard stories that many of them say their best customers are married men. Apparently they sought the company of the prostitute in question as much for female company as for sex, because they weren’t getting any loving affirmation from their wives at home.

    This post really stands for the argument that while sex is important to men, and we have a strong Need for it, the emotional component of companionship with a woman is just as necessary for us.

  30. M3

    “This post really stands for the argument that while sex is important to men, and we have a strong Need for it, the emotional component of companionship with a woman is just as necessary for us.”

    Feminism and hookup culture have done much to separate the physical from the emotional and vice versa. Which in turn has helped spur on the get sex from alpha, get relational needs met by beta orbitors/LJBF traps.

    I also read the story by a madame who wrote a piece about the married men she entertained. Most of them went there precisely because of what you intimated in your post. These men would never have strayed ‘solely’ because the sex was lacking, but because they didn’t have that female partner they could ‘retreat’ to. They couldn’t confide in them because the women did not care to be that safe harbor for the men to escape from the world. They came home from a world of competing, only to end up competing again with their partners.

    The madame fulfilled the void those women left simply by behaving in a caring, feminine manner. She listened.

  31. M3

    Actually, i think i can relate very well to what you’re going through, as an introvert myself, and tho not looking for marriage (having been through those fires once before unsuccesfully and nigh ever to repeat) i realize that the void was affecting me as recently as the beginning of this year…

    http://whoism3.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/limbo/

  32. Yeah, I read that. The truth is that if I hadn’t found the Red Pill when I did, I probably would have ended up like you M3.

    Living a lonely life is hard, that I can vouch for. But I can’t imagine how much worse it is to life a lonely life while also heart-broken after the woman you loved left you.

  33. M3

    “But I can’t imagine how much worse it is to life a lonely life while also heart-broken after the woman you loved left you. ”

    The first 6 months were insane hurt. But for what it’s worth… had she never done what she did, she’d never have freed me to find the sphere and take the pill to understand the true nature of women and to digest the redpill to become who i am today. In retrospect, i almost feel like i should be thanking her.

    Who knows what kind of life i’d be having today without that critical moment. Would i still be a helpless beta trapped in an ever increasingly loveless marriage, unable to arouse desire or attraction from my wife with further supplications and following the script of life? Accepting (or daily trying to convince myself) that my life as it were was what i actually wanted, rather than something i felt compelled to partake in, obligated to do.

    I did love her. But i loved her with blinded eyes. I loved her for the wrong reasons. I loved her and i didn’t know why i loved her. I felt for her in a way that i never should have, because i loved her without her doing anything to earn that love, for she failed to respect me or be feminine for me. Granted i didn’t hold the masculine frame, so ultimately you could put the blame on me for failing to lead, but society told me she could do anything i could do, only better. It’s hard to fault the engineer for the buildings collapse when the school taught him 2+2=18.

    Without her releasing me, i’d never have been able to write these internalized comments on your blog, and i would not be here on your blog, but instead working at some company i hated, for a paycheck, to support a wife who didn’t love me or respect me.. and would remain so till the day i died.

    No.. my exwife gave me my life back. I should be grateful to her.

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