All Alone in the Dark

(Note: I’ve been sitting on this blog post because it ended up being more of a whinefest that I like. I’ve been trying to avoid pointless complaining here as there is plenty of that in the rest of the manosphere. Instead, I’ve been hoping to take a positive attitude, help young Christians marry, and overall avoid the doom and gloom which many in the MGTOW movement wrap themselves in. But I realized that denying what I was thinking doesn’t help anyone, as it is important for both newcomers to this part of the web as well as oldtimers to understand that others feel as they do. That, plus I spent a fair amount of time on this and didn’t want to waste it.)

Another Father’s Day has come and gone. At the end of the service, the priest had all of the fathers and grandfathers and great-grandfathers (of which there were a few) stand up to receive a blessing. A large percentage of the men in the church stood up. While they received their blessing, an awful lot went through my mind in a short period of time:

I noticed that many of them were older. Partially this was skewed by the grandfathers and great-grandfathers, but in truth there were very few young fathers in attendance. And the Mass is one which was aimed for younger members of the church.

I took note of the fact that there appeared to be more young, unmarried men in the church than there were young, unmarried women. A lot more. While it is often remarked upon that women make up the majority of the membership in most churches, that doesn’t seem to be the case for mine. While the split might be different for older members of the church, there seemed to be more young men. I have to wonder: was this simply the product of random chance; the result of more sons being born to adult members of the Church? It is possible, but unlikely. And if that birth distribution isn’t the case, then where were the young women?

Lastly, and most importantly, as I looked around the room at all of the fathers standing up, I realized that I would likely never join them. I am finally starting to come to grip with the fact that I probably will never marry and have children. When I was younger I always thought that I would have time. After all, men are not as impacted by age as women when it comes to fertility or attractiveness. Even in my Blue Pill days I knew this. And so I thought that time was on my side, that I would eventually find the right woman for me. I know better now.

Now that I have taken the Red Pill I understand just how few marriageable women are out there. In a post over at Unmasking Feminism, this question was asked:

[W]hat do you think the overall percentage is of SCRIPTURALLY-eligible young brides-to-be in the church nowadays?

The answer:

CV, I was thinking about that…. I would say 2% and these women are probably in very rural areas.

Now, I thought the filters for the question were a bit too restrictive, but even with those reduced somewhat, the answer cannot be far from the 2% given. Another commentator summed up the situation in all of its grim glory:

Given the current state of affairs, the chances of a serious Christian young man finding a suitable wife is slim. His options are to be celibate, to hold out unless and until he finds a unicorn, or take the best thing on offer and roll the dice. In the latter case it is a fairly straight-forward risk assessment: celibacy can be extremely difficult, and about 3/5 of Christian marriages work out well enough to avoid divorce court – on the other hand the odds of disaster are still absurdly high, the penalties for choosing poorly are monumental, and not all marriages that survive are good marriages. It sucks, but there it is.

Option three is off the table for me. Unless an Angel of the LORD comes down from on high and informs me that God commands otherwise, I will never marry an unchaste woman. Never. Whatever else happens to me, that is one particular path I won’t walk, as the teaching of St. Paul resonates with me.

Option two is the long shot. There are still a few virtuous women out there. Nightskyradio found one of them. Plenty of men in the manosphere argue that it is folly to pursue this option, but I intend to do so as long as I can, even though I may never find a worthy, marriageable woman. Unfortunately, even if I do find such a woman, there is another barrier that may come between us. There is still the problem of age. When the subject of men having trouble finding a wife came up at Sunshinemary’s blog a week ago, she left this comment:

One quick note; a silent reader emailed me the other day lamenting the fact that he was probably too old to find a young virginal bride. He wanted to look in the 16-20 range because that’s where the virgins are (he’s a devout Christian and also chaste), but felt that he was just too old to do that and would come across as creepy. His age? 25! I was like, you are NOT old. Find yourself a nice 18-year-old. Too many men are measuring their SMV/MMV age by female standards. Stop that!

Sunshinemary means well, but unfortunately she confuses the Sexual Marketplace with the Marriage Marketplace. Age isn’t a problem for men in the SMP like it is for women, because men arrive at their peak later than women. If you are a participant in the SMP, age differences don’t mean a whole lot, only attractiveness. But in the MMP, matters are quite different. Because of the significance of marriage, pressure from family and friends has a considerable impact on behavior. A man in his late twenties/early thirties is not old. But how many parents would be comfortable with their daughter marrying a man ten to fifteen years older than their daughter? The answer: very few these days. Even Sunshinemary indicated that she would have problems with it.

This is an issue because the kind of woman I would want to marry would be the type of woman who actually listens to the wisdom of her family. And her family would be railing against the relationship. Being a Catholic, running off and eloping is not an option. Instead, I will have to somehow convince not only the young lady I am courting, but her family as well, that she would do well to marry an older man. Easier said than done. Even before getting to that point I will have to weather the accusations of being a creep or a pervert for focusing my attention on women much younger than myself. Finding a woman closer to my age who is still chaste and worth marrying is even more difficult. Loki grabbed one of the few who are out there. Perhaps I will run across another, but the odds of my getting struck by lightning are likely better than that.

That leaves option one. Where I must walk the hard road ahead by myself. I have lived that life to this point, and at times it hasn’t been easy. The desire for companionship is as much part of the difficulty of living a chaste life as restraining my sexuality. And yet I have succeeded so far. I know it can be done, if needs be. But it is not a path I choose to take, unless I am forced to choose between a life of celibacy or a life of sin.

When I occasionally mention my frustrations with life to those close to me, I often hear that I have my whole life ahead of me. That is no measure of comfort; because I will be living that life alone and unloved. Some commentators in the manosphere argue that a man doesn’t need a woman, that he shouldn’t bother with them, that they aren’t worth the effort. Perhaps they are fortunate enough to not experience the ache. Maybe they are just lucky, or gifted perhaps. Or maybe they are so filled with bitterness and anger that they can no longer feel it. But that isn’t me. I feel alone, I am alone. And it is not Good that man should be alone. But I need to accept that being alone might be my fate. I am not sure which I fear more: telling my parents that they will never have grand-children, or discovering that the ache isn’t numbed by the passage of time.

I have been trying to decide how to close this post. Of how to express all of my hopes and dreams, my fears and longings. Alas, I haven’t found fitting words. Since I find myself incapable of the task, I will trust it to The Who to convey my state of mind right now:

Advertisements

74 Comments

Filed under Christianity, Marriage, Red Pill

74 responses to “All Alone in the Dark

  1. Thank you everyone for not further derailing the post. While I am all for heated debate, it needs to be either on point or at least contributing to the discussion in some way.

  2. Thank you for the support. And I agree that early widowhood and leaving young children without a father are possible concerns of an age gap. Although that shouldn’t be a great worry unless the man works in a very dangerous job or marries very late (50+ or so).

  3. You are welcome. I guess I have misunderstood. Maybe from your post I have assumed you are older than you are. Many men marry at around age 40 and start to have children then and I think it is fine, not so much for a woman as it is too great a risk pregnancy and also too much of a strain on her body at that age. Not to mention a woman becoming less fertile as she ages. But for men, I don’t see a problem, I know of a 50year old who just fathered his first child.

  4. I am in my late 20s. Wide differences in age at the time of marriage are not common in America anymore. In fact, the culture often is hostile to it.

  5. Wow you are young! Don’t worry, I know you are going to find a wonderful wife! That’s strange to me..hostile about it, why does it concern other people? If the husband and wife are happy together that is what matters.

  6. A good question, worthy of a good answer. Maybe I will try and dig deeper in the future. But if I had to guess it is because of “feminism.” Which as you know has nothing to do femininity.

  7. Pingback: A Light in the Darkness | Donal Graeme

  8. Somehow I missed this comment when you first posted it. While I don’t disagree with your first two sentences, I do have a problem with this:

    If they realize that no one will marry unchaste women, they’ll close their legs pretty quick.

    I’m not really convinced this is the case. As I’ve argued before, I think that if you give women a choice between sex with hot men and no marriage on the one hand, and sex with only one man (who may or may not be hot) in marriage on the other hand, that many, many women will choose the first option. Whether it is their true nature, or the inexperience of youth, or whatever cause, many will take that path. Enough that you will end up with a large number of women outside the marriage pool. And far more men inside the pool who now have no marriage partner available.

    It is shocking to realize that even the most devout Christian women disagree with me. I saw a comment at TC the other day in which men who who want to marry virgins were referred to as “Hymen Cult-inaters”. As if the Bible didn’t repeatedly state that women are to be virgins until marriage.

    Not terribly surprising, actually. I have found that the ladies over at TC are often neither Traditional or Christian.

  9. “I’m not really convinced this is the case. As I’ve argued before, I think that if you give women a choice between sex with hot men and no marriage on the one hand, and sex with only one man (who may or may not be hot) in marriage on the other hand, that many, many women will choose the first option. Whether it is their true nature, or the inexperience of youth, or whatever cause, many will take that path. Enough that you will end up with a large number of women outside the marriage pool. And far more men inside the pool who now have no marriage partner available.”

    Wow, I find this really difficult to believe. I’ve always thought that women would definitely choose marriage with one partner over multiple partners. Hot or not. This comment caught my eye, because I genuinely don’t believe it to be true, at least not women I have encountered anyway.

  10. Look for a girl with an intact family. Parents still married where the mother treats the father respectfully. You want to meet her parents and her minister fairly early, before your emotions become too compromised.

    I respectfully ask, don’t you think this is a little discriminate? There are many good women who come from broken homes. I was raised mostly by my father and he did a wonderful job of raising my sisters and I. I believe I will be a good wife as I learnt a woman’s values from a young age.

  11. Wow, I find this really difficult to believe. I’ve always thought that women would definitely choose marriage with one partner over multiple partners. Hot or not.

    That I what I used to believe as well. Then I opened my eyes, and looked around me, and saw how women actually acted. Now, not all women will choose that path. Many will choose marriage. The question is, how many? A majority? A minority? I think that it really comes down to how well a woman is raised, with her father playing the most pivotal role. After that it is culture.

    This comment caught my eye, because I genuinely don’t believe it to be true, at least not women I have encountered anyway.

    I believe you, as far as the women you have encountered. This is far more of an issue in places like Western Europe and the Anglosphere (English speaking countries, likes the USA, Canada, etc.). Perhaps I am being too cynical. But I have encountered many women for whom marriage was a low priority, and for some not a priority at all.

  12. It is discriminatory, but there is unfortunately good reason to be discriminatory. Statistics do support the fact that someone from an intact family is less likely to divorce.

    I was raised mostly by my father and he did a wonderful job of raising my sisters and I. I believe I will be a good wife as I learnt a woman’s values from a young age.

    The fact that you were raised by your father works in your favor. There is mounting evidence that, past the age of 6 or so, the role of father is more influential than mother in ensuring a child’s healthy development. Having read most of your posts on your blog, he appears to have raised you well. The world would be a better place if more women were raised with a woman’s values from a young age.

  13. “I believe you, as far as the women you have encountered. This is far more of an issue in places like Western Europe and the Anglosphere (English speaking countries, likes the USA, Canada, etc.). Perhaps I am being too cynical. But I have encountered many women for whom marriage was a low priority, and for some not a priority at all.”

    Donal, I take back my previous comment. I don’t think you are being cynical. I have been..enlightened, if that is the correct word to use, in the past few days. I have lived in the United Kingdom, I went to school there also, so I know how many women have become in the West. But it’s also touched other countries now, I just went to the store to buy milk, it is late here, and I swear I couldn’t believe my eyes, how the women were dressed. I think you will see less skin at a beach. I know I sound mean, but I was genuinely shocked. At first I thought they were tourists, but then I heard their accents, and I was so shocked. Times are changing and it is affecting us on a global level now.

    Also I would like to say, women in other countries often find other vices. I had a few close female friends from Church, who I liked very much but after careful consideration and prayer for guidance, I decided I could no longer spend time with them outside Church. We liked to drink coffee together and here many of the women like to “read” the coffee grounds after drinking. I felt increasingly uncomfortable among women doing this, and one day when the other woman actually took her husband’s coffee cup after he had left in the morning for work, she revealed his coffee cup among us women and they got to deciphering the coffee grounds looking for evidence of his suspected infidelity. I confronted the woman and told her this is wrong, she challenged me otherwise, and so I told her to ask our Priest. We haven’t spoken since. And this is not a rare occurrence, it is a majority. I know it is off-topic but I just wanted to let you know it is only women in the West. I feel bad for criticizing, nobody is perfect. I guess we just need to pray for women to educate themselves with the Word so they will try to overcome these temptations.

  14. It is not** only women in the west

  15. Pingback: Father Knows Best: Now I know my ABCs Edition | Patriactionary

  16. Kate

    In my foray into local dating this past winter, I met about three men in their forties who had been married early in their twenties only because they had fathered children. None of these marriages lasted. I think the proper time for a man to be married is mid-thirties. I understand and empathize with your feelings, but I do have to agree that you are still young and there is still time. Wanting anything too much can make it slip from our grasp, so I would suggest to you to really delve into your other life passions. Focusing on whatever it is you do best is what, in my opinion, draws others to you. I personally think it is best to sneak children in before a man turns forty (my ex-husband was almost that age when we had our daughter), but I may be tossing out that rule for a potential second child, myself. So, you have yourself a window before that ideal marriage time and before that ideal children time. Having returned from cooking school, I learned about the concept of “mise en place” (everything in its place). While you maybe can’t find the right woman this second, you can still be getting everything organized so that when she shows up, you are ready to rock 🙂

  17. Pingback: 100th Post Blogapalooza | Donal Graeme

  18. Pingback: Belated Advice | Donal Graeme

  19. redpillsetmefree

    First time reading this post. It’s really powerful. I have to ponder more what I feel about the sentiments expressed therein.

  20. I’m slightly confused as to how donalgraeme would know whether a woman was a virgin or not (being Catholic, we know that “chastity” is a description of one’s current spiritual state, not virgin status; I think that to keep the truth clear, you should use virgin when you mean virgin, and chaste when you mean a woman who is obedient to Christ in matters of sexuality.). When do these conversations occur?

    We all have a right to *desire* the ideal that we envision for ourselves. And it sounds like donalgraeme has owned his choice to hold out for his ideal, deciding that singleness would be better than not having his ideal. As a personal choice, that is legitimate (though I would add that the relationship between happiness and the ideal or non-ideal is not always what we think it will be).

    At the same time, I question Sunshine Mary’s insistence about men not marrying non-virgins because her insistence comes from a place of attempting to control herd behavior rather than offering insight or wisdom into what is best for a particular man and his life–or even the lives of men in general. The reality is that this world is fallen and going to hell. We are not going to save it from that fate through slut-shaming. We will, however,, individually and corporately be saved from sin and death through Christ’s redemption. I would put much more stock in the grace of God poured out through Christ than in doctrines of men.

  21. @ Arid

    Regarding your first paragraph, such conversations would occur fairly quickly in the courtship process. Depending on how much I know about the woman, I would probably not question her directly at first. Instead, I would bring up what I am looking for in a wife in a kind of round-about way. That way the woman I am courting would know what I am looking for, and if she doesn’t meet the criteria would be able to bow out gracefully. Further along in the process I will ask direct questions, as well as dig into her background. While she could always lie, and a background check might not necessarily reveal everything, an inspection before consummation would serve as a last minute safeguard.

    As for the whole chaste/virgin thing, you are correct that they mean different things. In may later posts I use chaste in a more accurate fashion. I was just looking for another word besides virgin, because that word tends to be much abused these days in how its interpreted. Another descriptor might be “N=0”, although that can throw those unfamiliar off guard.

    I guess you can say I own my choice, yes. Although I wouldn’t say its so much an ideal as it is a requirement. An ideal would be a woman who I happen to rank a “10”. I am more realistic than that. As for your back-handed criticism of my choice, I hope you understand that I don’t care what you think. I am demanding of my future wife nothing that she cannot demand of me.

    With regards to your last paragraph, you seem to have confused spiritual and temporal matters. Slut-shaming is an effective tactic for reducing female fornication, and setting aside any moral components of a sin avoided, it has positive effects here on Earth. It isn’t meant to save us from eternal death, merely to reduce the worldly consequences of our fallen nature. Now, I don’t think her tactic would be particularly effective, and that is why I don’t support it.

  22. @ arid

    I’m sorry if my response came off a little strong there. My latest post has been frustrating me, and I apologize for taking it out on you.

  23. Well, I wasn’t attempting to criticize your choice or you. It’s perfectly fair. I use “ideal” to describe things we deem important but which are not strictly necessary for a happy outcome. It’s a requirement if we make it one, but absolutely necessary to achieve the big-picture aims of marriage? Perhaps not. I was indirect in my comment because I have no intention of persuading you to change your standard. I do think that the way we talk about these kinds of things makes a difference, though.

    Christ’s redemption is for the present as much as the future. “The Kingdom of God is among you.” This is where life-changing testimonies and victory over sin come from. This is how relationships are healed and transformed–because Christ is present now, today to do these things in people. Jesus seemed to encounter women who society saw fit to shame and yet took a different tack. Not to excuse sin, but because the power of His grace in their lives was (and is) more powerful than social shaming. And that is my point–as Christians, we have a message and means more powerful than ideology and social control for producing righteousness and repentance, which is Christ Himself. And He really works.

  24. Pingback: Guard Your Strength | Donal Graeme

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s