(Note: I’ve been sitting on this blog post because it ended up being more of a whinefest that I like. I’ve been trying to avoid pointless complaining here as there is plenty of that in the rest of the manosphere. Instead, I’ve been hoping to take a positive attitude, help young Christians marry, and overall avoid the doom and gloom which many in the MGTOW movement wrap themselves in. But I realized that denying what I was thinking doesn’t help anyone, as it is important for both newcomers to this part of the web as well as oldtimers to understand that others feel as they do. That, plus I spent a fair amount of time on this and didn’t want to waste it.)
Another Father’s Day has come and gone. At the end of the service, the priest had all of the fathers and grandfathers and great-grandfathers (of which there were a few) stand up to receive a blessing. A large percentage of the men in the church stood up. While they received their blessing, an awful lot went through my mind in a short period of time:
I noticed that many of them were older. Partially this was skewed by the grandfathers and great-grandfathers, but in truth there were very few young fathers in attendance. And the Mass is one which was aimed for younger members of the church.
I took note of the fact that there appeared to be more young, unmarried men in the church than there were young, unmarried women. A lot more. While it is often remarked upon that women make up the majority of the membership in most churches, that doesn’t seem to be the case for mine. While the split might be different for older members of the church, there seemed to be more young men. I have to wonder: was this simply the product of random chance; the result of more sons being born to adult members of the Church? It is possible, but unlikely. And if that birth distribution isn’t the case, then where were the young women?
Lastly, and most importantly, as I looked around the room at all of the fathers standing up, I realized that I would likely never join them. I am finally starting to come to grip with the fact that I probably will never marry and have children. When I was younger I always thought that I would have time. After all, men are not as impacted by age as women when it comes to fertility or attractiveness. Even in my Blue Pill days I knew this. And so I thought that time was on my side, that I would eventually find the right woman for me. I know better now.
[W]hat do you think the overall percentage is of SCRIPTURALLY-eligible young brides-to-be in the church nowadays?
CV, I was thinking about that…. I would say 2% and these women are probably in very rural areas.
Now, I thought the filters for the question were a bit too restrictive, but even with those reduced somewhat, the answer cannot be far from the 2% given. Another commentator summed up the situation in all of its grim glory:
Given the current state of affairs, the chances of a serious Christian young man finding a suitable wife is slim. His options are to be celibate, to hold out unless and until he finds a unicorn, or take the best thing on offer and roll the dice. In the latter case it is a fairly straight-forward risk assessment: celibacy can be extremely difficult, and about 3/5 of Christian marriages work out well enough to avoid divorce court – on the other hand the odds of disaster are still absurdly high, the penalties for choosing poorly are monumental, and not all marriages that survive are good marriages. It sucks, but there it is.
Option three is off the table for me. Unless an Angel of the LORD comes down from on high and informs me that God commands otherwise, I will never marry an unchaste woman. Never. Whatever else happens to me, that is one particular path I won’t walk, as the teaching of St. Paul resonates with me.
Option two is the long shot. There are still a few virtuous women out there. Nightskyradio found one of them. Plenty of men in the manosphere argue that it is folly to pursue this option, but I intend to do so as long as I can, even though I may never find a worthy, marriageable woman. Unfortunately, even if I do find such a woman, there is another barrier that may come between us. There is still the problem of age. When the subject of men having trouble finding a wife came up at Sunshinemary’s blog a week ago, she left this comment:
One quick note; a silent reader emailed me the other day lamenting the fact that he was probably too old to find a young virginal bride. He wanted to look in the 16-20 range because that’s where the virgins are (he’s a devout Christian and also chaste), but felt that he was just too old to do that and would come across as creepy. His age? 25! I was like, you are NOT old. Find yourself a nice 18-year-old. Too many men are measuring their SMV/MMV age by female standards. Stop that!
Sunshinemary means well, but unfortunately she confuses the Sexual Marketplace with the Marriage Marketplace. Age isn’t a problem for men in the SMP like it is for women, because men arrive at their peak later than women. If you are a participant in the SMP, age differences don’t mean a whole lot, only attractiveness. But in the MMP, matters are quite different. Because of the significance of marriage, pressure from family and friends has a considerable impact on behavior. A man in his late twenties/early thirties is not old. But how many parents would be comfortable with their daughter marrying a man ten to fifteen years older than their daughter? The answer: very few these days. Even Sunshinemary indicated that she would have problems with it.
This is an issue because the kind of woman I would want to marry would be the type of woman who actually listens to the wisdom of her family. And her family would be railing against the relationship. Being a Catholic, running off and eloping is not an option. Instead, I will have to somehow convince not only the young lady I am courting, but her family as well, that she would do well to marry an older man. Easier said than done. Even before getting to that point I will have to weather the accusations of being a creep or a pervert for focusing my attention on women much younger than myself. Finding a woman closer to my age who is still chaste and worth marrying is even more difficult. Loki grabbed one of the few who are out there. Perhaps I will run across another, but the odds of my getting struck by lightning are likely better than that.
That leaves option one. Where I must walk the hard road ahead by myself. I have lived that life to this point, and at times it hasn’t been easy. The desire for companionship is as much part of the difficulty of living a chaste life as restraining my sexuality. And yet I have succeeded so far. I know it can be done, if needs be. But it is not a path I choose to take, unless I am forced to choose between a life of celibacy or a life of sin.
When I occasionally mention my frustrations with life to those close to me, I often hear that I have my whole life ahead of me. That is no measure of comfort; because I will be living that life alone and unloved. Some commentators in the manosphere argue that a man doesn’t need a woman, that he shouldn’t bother with them, that they aren’t worth the effort. Perhaps they are fortunate enough to not experience the ache. Maybe they are just lucky, or gifted perhaps. Or maybe they are so filled with bitterness and anger that they can no longer feel it. But that isn’t me. I feel alone, I am alone. And it is not Good that man should be alone. But I need to accept that being alone might be my fate. I am not sure which I fear more: telling my parents that they will never have grand-children, or discovering that the ache isn’t numbed by the passage of time.
I have been trying to decide how to close this post. Of how to express all of my hopes and dreams, my fears and longings. Alas, I haven’t found fitting words. Since I find myself incapable of the task, I will trust it to The Who to convey my state of mind right now: