Looking for The One- Episode 0: Different Approaches

Christian men and women share a similar problem in this day and age: finding a suitable mate. But the problem afflicts them in different ways, and so they must each approach it from a different angle. Much of this centers around the differences in what men and women look for in a mate. Men look for youth and beauty when it comes to attraction, and a feminine personality when it comes to character traits. Women look for the various LAMPS attributes for attraction, and Beta or comfort traits when it comes to character.  But that is only part of the story. Before you can apply any strategies on how to find a spouse, you need to know what you are looking for…

 

What Christian Men should look for in a potential wife:

1) Devout Christian. Whether you are Protestant, Orthodox or Catholic, you want as your wife a woman who takes her faith seriously, and doesn’t view the Church as a social club. Her faith can’t be the product of some desire to satisfy or please her parents.  It needs to be real, genuine, sincere.  If she doesn’t share your exact faith, is she willing to convert? She must be willing to submit to your authority, and if she disagrees with you on something as fundamental as your faith, expect problems down the road. Just as important her faith must not be “Churchian” in nature, ie. “feminized.” If she is a Churchian, then you must be able to convince her of the falsity of the doctrine she clings to, otherwise she is a risk you cannot afford to take.

2) Feminine. Men respond positively to feminine women, and Christian men are no different than secular men when it comes to this. If a woman acts feminine, she will bring out the best in you. Not to mention that a feminine woman is more likely to act as a woman rather than a man.

3) Takes care of herself. There is only so much that a woman can do about her beauty, but keeping herself fit plays a huge role. You want as your wife a woman who respects her body. Someone who eats healthy and exercises regularly is an increasingly rare commodity these days. It shows discipline, always a good sign, and will help her live longer and happier.

4) Resilient. Life is tough, can she handle the challenge? You want a woman who is able to handle the duties of wife and mother. Will she fold when things get tough (and they always will at some point)? It will not be easy living as a Christian in the future, aside from all of the other difficulties in life, and you want a woman who can carry on despite the trials.

5) Submissive. Is she willing to follow your lead? Will she accept your orders, even if she disagrees? You want a woman who is comfortable fitting in the First Officer role, and won’t constantly rebel against you. As the Bible makes abundantly clear, nothing is worse than a rebellious wife.

6) Industrious. Proverbs 31 speaks of a wife who is a blessing to her household, because she contributes so much to it. You want as your wife a woman who isn’t lazy, but instead a hard worker. Look for someone who is creative, and is willing, eager even to find ways to save money and earn it for your household.

 

What Christian Women should look for in a potential husband:

1) Devout Christian. Whether you are Protestant, Orthodox or Catholic, you want as your husband a man who takes his faith seriously, and doesn’t view the Church as a social club. His faith can’t be the product of some desire to satisfy or please his parents.  It needs to be real, genuine, sincere.  If he doesn’t share your exact faith, are you willing to convert? You must be willing to submit to his authority, and if you disagree with him on something as fundamental as your faith, expect problems down the road. Just as important his faith must not be “Churchian” in nature, ie. “feminized.” If he is a Churchian, then you must ask yourself if you should try and convince him of the falsity of the doctrine he clings to. If he needs just a nudge or two in the right direction, then you should be ok. But if he is blind to the truth, or requires real pushing, then he is unfit for the role of husband.

2) Masculine. You need a man who is strongly masculine, as his masculinity will influence whether you are attracted to him. This is especially important, because women are much more limited in how many men they find attractive.  You need your husband to satisfy your desire for masculinity in your life, otherwise you will feel insecure and unhappy.

3) Takes care of himself. A man who takes care of himself is a man with self-discipline. This attribute is essential; without it a man will fall astray. Also, his health is essential for the well-being of the family. If he takes care of himself by exercising and eating right, his ability to protect and provide for your and your children will be greater and last longer. Furthermore, he will be more attractive in your eyes, which will help maintain your affections for him; leaving both of you happier in the process.

4) Resilient. Life is hard. Can he endure hardships and troubles? Will he fold or break when life is cruel? You want as your husband someone who can stand up to the burdens of life, someone who won’t run away or crawl into the bottle. This toughness isn’t physical, but mental and spiritual. Is his faith strong enough to survive what lies ahead? What about his will? He must be strong for you and your family; a family is only as tough as its leader.

5) Authoritative. Is he willing to lead? Capable of leading? Your husband will be the leader of your family; you need a man who is comfortable with the role and ultimately unafraid of it. In order to love a man you must respect him, and a woman cannot respect a man who cannot or will not lead.

6) Industrious. He must be a hard worker to provide for you and your children. Whether it is with his mind or his back, can he support your family, now and in the future? If he is still young and establishing himself, does he show signs of being a capable provider down the road? You need as a husband a man who understands he is working for more than himself, and won’t slack off at the first opportunity.

The Age Factor

There is another matter which needs to be addressed, age.

A Christian man should be looking for a woman younger than himself, with the age gap widening as he gets older. Men are discouraged in popular culture against dating/courting/marrying women significantly younger than themselves, ignore this. While there may be some who disagree, I think that as a safety precaution a man shouldn’t marry a woman 30 or older unless there is a very good reason why she hadn’t married sooner. One acceptable reason would be if she had spent years recovering from a terrible injury. Otherwise, if a woman isn’t married by then someone is likely wrong with her. Either she has toxic hypergamy, or has a very low to non-existent sex-drive, or some other hidden fault. While there may be some God-fearing marriageable women in this group, unless you as a man are significantly older, say 40+, you shouldn’t be looking at this cohort. Under 25 is probably preferable, for several reasons. First, she will still retain much of her fertility, ensuring that you can have the number of children you desire without resorting to medical aid. Second, she will most likely have retained much of her youthful beauty, which will help with the creation of wife goggles. Third, a younger woman is less likely to be jaded and corrupted by outside influences, even if she has remained chaste.

A Christian woman should be looking for a man older than herself, with the maximum age set not by some bright line rule but more by health and compatibility. Popular culture might advocate against an age gap, but as a Christian woman you shouldn’t have any concern for popular culture. Instead, you are looking for a man who can fulfill the role of husband. Don’t be afraid of men 5 to 10 years older than yourself. First one, they are more likely to have established themselves and gained a steady income as compared to a younger man, especially given the current economy. This will help with meeting the financial needs of your family. Second, they are apt to be more mature and more confident than their younger counter-parts. That means they will be both more attractive and responsible, and better equipped to deal with the world. Third, because of their experience you will find it easier to look up to and admire them for their accomplishments, which will not only aid you in being a submissive wife, but give you the respectful attitude which is essential to truly loving a man.

 

There is more of course, but I can’t think of it at the moment. If anyone else has any thoughts and ideas on what to look for in a potential Christian spouse, please feel free to chime in. I hope to make this series a community project, and invite anyone who is interest to contribute.

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17 Comments

Filed under Marriage, Red Pill

17 responses to “Looking for The One- Episode 0: Different Approaches

  1. Deep Strength

    The woman must not have many friends who are churchian or otherwise inclined to divorce or single mothers. They will be a bad influence on her.

    Also, you generally want to avoid women who are from a single parent household or divorced household. Odds are higher that she will be less well adjusted than if she had both parents.

    Dalrock has some good stuff here:

    http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/interviewing-a-prospective-wife-part-ii/

    And some non-Christian things to consider are also here:

    http://boldanddetermined.com/2012/01/21/pick-the-right-wife/
    http://www.thumotic.com/2013/01/08/how-to-find-a-wife/

  2. Thanks for reminding me about the Dalrock posts. I think the next posts in the series will be a compilation of links to pieces discussing marriage.

    As for bad influences, that applies to men as well, but not as stringently. Women are more likely to be influenced by the herd than men.

  3. “Don’t be afraid of men 5 to 10 years older than yourself.”

    This is the natural order and will lead to a more successful marriage. Men and women mature at different speeds (see here for further explanation http://tgrwhite8974.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/like-a-fine-wine/) and having a 10 year age gap (even upto 15) ensures men and women are both hitting their peaks and declines together.

    I’m am not Christian but this list is good regardless of your religious leanings. For atheists such as myself I would swap the first out for “Make sure she shares the same values as you.”

  4. Are you also planning a “how to get yourself ready” post in this series? My thinking is that it’s great to have the above standards, but a person on the lookout should also be priming him- or herself, too. Be worthy of what you’re seeking, that kind of thing?

  5. Well, that is part of the reason why I posted both male and female standards, to serve as a comparison so men and women can measure themselves against them. A stand-alone post or two about preparing yourself for courtship and marriage is a good idea. However, from my experience the problem is not so much preparing yourself for marriage as finding someone who would make a good wife or husband. For men especially we have already received a good amount of advice concerning how to prepare for marriage, and while much of it was bad in the sense of teaching us how to attract a mate, it was good advice in terms of readying ourselves for the role of husband.

    If you have some thoughts or ideas, please feel free to suggest them. I would love to include guest posts or even longer comments into posts in this series.

  6. Deep Strength

    3MM and many other sites have a lot of good stuff here in terms of self improvement.

    As we know, most of the PUA specific sites are all about generating attraction and relational fluidity which is the “game” portion of getting a woman attracted to you. I personally don’t think this series needs to cover that when it’s already been done quite thoroughly.

    http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/instructional/

    Generally speaking, I would think the series should focus on the approach of dating or courtship or whatever else there is in a logical systematic manner. It seems you’re thinking the same thing.

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  8. “…from my experience the problem is not so much preparing yourself for marriage as finding someone who would make a good wife or husband.”

    This is a great observation and generally what I have experienced, also. Of course, there are both some spiritual and practical preparations one should make prior to marrying, but the cultural tide these days seems to swing toward absolute perfection and not settling for less. There will never be an absolutely perfect time to marry, other than right now. If anyone, male or female, expresses a desire for marriage but states they want it “someday,” “one of these days,” “at some point,” etc., that communicates to me that they’re not really serious about it and have no vision to achieve it. Ask yourself, “How badly do I want it, and what risks am I willing to take?” Don’t let opportunities pass you by; make a consistent effort to reach a worthwhile goal. As the old saying goes, “someday never comes.”

  9. I think five years is a good difference. The only thing that makes me hesitant about a bigger gap is that the woman is likely to then have a very long widowhood, as the average woman lives five years longer than the average man. If there is a fifteen-year age gap and they both live to the average age, she’ll be widowed at 61 but will live to 81. Her golden years will be spent alone; if a couple is going to have such a big age gap, perhaps they should consider having a large family so that the wife will hopefully have lots of grandchildren to occupy her time and adult children to care for her when she is aged.

  10. The problem with only a 5 year gap maximum is that it will freeze a lot of men out of the marriage market, primarily those over 30. The number of marriageable women above 30 is terribly small when compared to marriageable men. A 35 year old men is basically out of luck when the the age difference cap is 5 years.

    You seem to find the widowhood potential to be the most troublesome point of concern, but you forget several things Mary. First, that the life-span difference between men and women is for the average man and woman, and I don’t think that devout Christians would fall under that categorization. Much of the difference is attributable to life-style differences, although testosterone is known to have a negative effect on longevity. Second, new drugs should dramatically prolong the life span in the next few decades, making the gap less significant in terms of total lifespan.

  11. I know devout Christians have longer lifespans than atheists, but I’m not sure that this affects the lifespan gap between men and women. I haven’t been able to find anything that either confirms or refutes that idea. I guess the long widowhood isn’t necessarily troublesome so much as it is something to be aware of and planned for. I’d rather see men who want to marry do so even if it means a larger age gap.

  12. I can’t find the link off the top of my head, but I want to say that all things being equal, women tend to live 3 years longer than men (which as I mentioned before is theorized to be due to testosterone’s effect on the body and immune system especially).

  13. Mint

    So what do you suggest to 18-year-old men? Hibernate until they turn 23?

  14. If you are 18 Mint, I wouldn’t worry about it. The age difference issue comes into play more as you get older. But if you are 18, then you should be looking at women your age or a little younger. The disadvantage you will have is your SMV will be lower now than it will likely be in 10 years. But you won’t face the same resistance to a significant age gap that society employs now.

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  16. CHero

    Soooo…what if there’s a 11 year age gap?

  17. @ CHero

    I assume you mean the man is 11 years older? That can still work, and often does. Certainly it works better than the reverse scenario. It depends on the situation of both parties- there is no universal formula to determine if it will work. The one thing I would say that stands out is that the older the gap, the healthier the man should be.

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